ADHD husband's 'shutdowns'

[HebburnPokemon]

I don't know whether I'm being unreasonable by raising this as a concern - my husband thinks I am.

Around a few times each month, my (unmedicated) ADHD-diagnosed husband will suddenly 'shutdown', meaning he goes quiet, rejects affection, can't explain what's wrong (other than 'feeling anxious'), is non-communicative, rejects sex, etc. At best, he'll reluctantly give me a kiss if I ask for one. He ignores my attempt to cuddle him or any kind of physical contact. There will be minimal communication. This will last a few days.

This makes me feel confused, lonely and anxious myself. I've tried raising my concerns in a serious tone and a light-hearted tone. He says I'm being selfish.

AIBU? How can I manage this situation?

No one is suggesting that she puts up with the situation indefinitely. He is waiting on medication, which is one of the things that does really help.

Perhaps waiting for a knee replacement is a better analogy than a broken leg.

I'm not sure that you do understand what ND shutdown is, if you think he should simply Make An Effort, given that shutdown / burnout is the inability to do exactly that.

In this case, he is communicating. He is communicating that he is overwhelmed and needs some space.

You say that it's not an attack on me/ ND people in general, but the majority of the distress associated with my NDness has been caused by people making the same wrong assumptions that you are making right now.

It may recur, but this is often the worst period. He has given up the crutch ( alcohol ) and the diagnosis is new. In the future, he'd be far better placed to prevent burnout.

@LameBorzoi ‘s posts are excellent

I completely agree with you- no- one should feel pressured into sex, but I don’t think that’s what the OP is suggesting? Im certainly not.

she mentioned it as one aspect of the problem. Being rejected in a romantic relationship- and I’m talking about a partner not wanting to hold hands or even speak is incredibly difficult and hurtful. and ultimately it’s likely to lead to the breakdown of the relationship- whether he means it or not.

When I say he needs to met her halfway, he needs to acknowledge and validate her feelings of rejection- not say she’s selfish.

he isn’t like this all the time, so maybe he needs to do more to make OP feel loved at other times. Or come up with strategies to minimise the overload.

id also say the fact his mother is a sulker is interesting. These episodes may be nothing to do with ADHD and are just his way of being controlling in the relationship. Let’s face it, he’s got the OP coming onto mumsnet to see how she can move heaven and earth to accommodate his behaviour.

Stop trying to force affection on/from him. People are allowed to not be up for touching at certain times.

If there are other ways in which the shutdown is problematic for family life eg he's not parenting properly then address that.

Just coming on to say my DH has shutdowns, I used to call them sulks but have learnt that he's not really in control of them. Thanks for those people who have posted useful coping strategies, will be interested to learn of any others. I think I used to take it personally but have since learnt it's not really about me, just about being overwhelmed. I do find it hard with young children though, as it's just harder to give him the space he needs.

Access to Work through DWP/JCP?

He doesn't meet the needs of his kids either, so that falls on her too.

He meets all their physical needs (food, clean clothes, taxi). I meet none of the needs of his children (besides injecting cash and trying to keep their dad calm).

I need to make that clear.

But apparently he can’t help it so we should embrace it or leave

Do you spend most of your time in shutdown?

I think you need to work on not taking it too personally. Invisible disabilities can be just as debilitating as visible ones. If he had a physical disability which prevented him from showing you affection and he was in physical pain would you still feel as hurt by it?

If it was this regular, most likely.

It depends on what's going on around me. Too much stimulus and lack of space then maybe. If I'm overwhelmed and pestered I tend to need longer and longer alone to recover.

I recently went through a house move which I found abnormally stressful even by house move standards and I've felt like this for a month or so now on and off. Partner gets it, this is a large adjustment for me with difficulty processing as there's so much going in, lots of visits from family, lots of neighbours popping in to say hello and being bumped into when outside. Lots of chat about my dog. Lots of questions about what I do. Lots of tradesmen and phone calls, getting things finished and delivered etc. I am not a people person (though I hide it fairly well usually) and I've found this unbearable to be frank, I have even wondered if I'd made a mistake moving to a nice area! I've been pretty quite at home this entire time as I'm all out of words. I'll take a few months to recover, it's how it is for me.

I think you need to work on not taking it too personally.

I disagree. If this isn't something the OP can live with then it might be better for her sake calling it quits. No-one should stay in a situation that makes them unhappy or martyr themselves for someone else.

Absolutely as both situations would call for @HebburnPokemon to have to say 'oh okay I am not an equal in this relationship, I have to accept my feelings don't matter at all, and I can't say anything to acknowledge this or I am a bad person'.

I have severe ADHD and have been on medication for the better part of thirty years. In that time I've also seen a variety of NHS psychiatrists (some good, some bad), and been to various kinds of support groups and therapy.

I've never heard of this and don't recognize those symptoms. Are you sure he has ADHD? The duration of the episodes seems odd to me. Shutdowns or freezes are, in my experience, very brief reactions lasting seconds or minutes, not days. In my case it's mostly driven by being presented with too many options. Buying an air purifier last week was not a happy task!

ADHD in general is marked by speed and lability. Sulking for days sounds like something else.

I agree. I've never come across ADHD shutdowns and think he sounds autistic, but someone corrected me above. I don't think there's enough understanding of ADHD yet and the supposed crossover with autism. It doesn't necessarily matter in terms of trying to improve the relationship, but it could be useful to be aware that advice for autistic people might provide solutions!

OP, it sounds very stressful for you.
You are putting up with a very negative environment several times a month and you are also paying for HIS children?
What EXACTLY are you getting out of this relationship?
Thank goodness you do not have children with him.
You need to look after yourself, walking on eggshells is not good or fair to you.

On 'whether this is typical': For me it's processing speed. I have been assessed and although a lot of visual processing, according to the tests, is very fast and very developed, corresponding memory processing speed from those tests shows the total opposite - the end of the scale. Anotherparkingthread's description rings true: in overwhelm, I liken it to looking at the little spinning wheel of a webpage trying to load when the broadband is dodgy - it's working hard, but it's not moving on in any useful way, and it applies to all areas of interaction, even those that you think usually never let you down. Everyone is different, but the 'speed and lability' aspect of it is the most noticeable element to the outside world, of the balance of visual, spatial, verbal ability and the working or long-term memory. Much more will be evident on the inside, to the person who doesn't want you to see all of it, but many don't have the words to describe it (and on a few better occasions, some of this - hyperfocus, being one example - doesn't always feel like a detrimental quality).

What I mean is my salary is higher than his and we put everything into a joint account.

but yes, the eggshells is killing my mental health. Maybe if I wasn’t autistic myself, I’d be able to cope?

Do you think Relate could help?

I do think booking a session with Relate ( alone ) could help you figure out where you go from here. They do offer help to individuals as well as couples

Couples counselling will only work if your husband is willing and able to participate. He may not be able to do that if these shut downs are due to mental load/ internal noise.

But definitely worth talking to them!

Redirect some of your salary from the joint account and find a recommended therapist and book some individual sessions. You're right to prioritise your own mental health, and I don't think that anyone could be reasonably expected to cope with the behaviour you're experiencing, ND or not. This isn't your fault. It's the situation, and it is absolutely fine to not be ok with it.

I suspect that the reason that you are reacting so negatively to his shutdowns is because you are inferring things from them that aren’t meant/ catastrophising the situation in your head e.g instead of thinking ‘my partner is overwhelmed and needs some space, I’ll leave him alone for a bit and then feel better’, you are making his feeling and behaviour about you. Questioning/inferring that he is angry with you or doesn’t love you. Questioning or inferring that he is choosing to opt out of family life and then seeking reassurance based on this reading of the situation (which of course makes the situation worse because you are putting additional demand on your husband - to regulate YOUR feelings and thoughts - at a time when he needs less demand because he is struggling to regulate his own)!

If I’m right, then this is a symptom of your insecurity, enmeshment and lack of emotional boundaries and something you need to work on, not just if you want this relationship to survive but if you want ANY successful relationships in your life.

For what it’s worth, pestering and seeking reassurance/asking someone to regulate YOUR feelings via touching etc while they are in a state of overwhelm and shutdown is only going to prolong the shutdown. I know personally that if I need 10 minutes to switch off, then every time I am interrupted or pestered it not only resets that 10 minute clock but then adds maybe another 5-10 minutes to the time I need because then I need to regulate myself from the irritation of being interrupted before I can get back to zoning out. What WOULD have taken me 10 minutes to regulate myself, if I had gotten what I needed, actually then takes 3-4 hours from constant interruptions. It’s such a cyclical situation!

Being touched when you don’t wish to be is also one of the most horribly violating experiences. Forcing physical affection never ends well, it can create such a visceral reaction that you struggle to let that person touch you in future, even when not in overwhelm.