ADHD husband's 'shutdowns'

[HebburnPokemon]

I don't know whether I'm being unreasonable by raising this as a concern - my husband thinks I am.

Around a few times each month, my (unmedicated) ADHD-diagnosed husband will suddenly 'shutdown', meaning he goes quiet, rejects affection, can't explain what's wrong (other than 'feeling anxious'), is non-communicative, rejects sex, etc. At best, he'll reluctantly give me a kiss if I ask for one. He ignores my attempt to cuddle him or any kind of physical contact. There will be minimal communication. This will last a few days.

This makes me feel confused, lonely and anxious myself. I've tried raising my concerns in a serious tone and a light-hearted tone. He says I'm being selfish.

AIBU? How can I manage this situation?

Your needs are important and any relationship involves give and take. Does your dh try to accommodate your needs too?

He’s likely to be unable to during shutdown, but the rest of the time?

I think only your dh can answer as to how he wants to be supported. For me, giving space would be good and any interaction would just prolong it.

Can the frequency change, or is this pattern stuck?

You refer to a pattern of behaviour, op. It’s important to understand that shutdown or meltdown isn’t behaviour, it’s more like a seizure. It’s neurological and happens when the brain can’t process any further.

However, your dh can learn to regulate himself in the early stages and help himself. It sounds like he’s so overwhelmed that he can’t do this atm. It might need adjustments and changes to his lifestyle.

Frequency and intensity can change. I rarely melt down now and my shutdowns are infrequent, as I pace myself now that i understand my own brain

Does he work - does he have to shut out work for a few days a few times a month?

We both work full-time. He works in the tech industry so his job doesn't require a huge amount of human communication.

The frequency can absolutely change.

It's a question of not getting overwhelmed - so pacing yourself so you never have zero left in the tank.

first of all, this is an awful situation for you OP.
If your DH is waiting for meds, i would think the only thing you can do right now is try to ride this one out.

In the longer term, this is not a "problem" for you to "solve" alone. It is something that is going to be in both of your lives, and that of your family, forever. So what you need to adopt - all of you - are coping mechanisms and dialogue about what is going on.

So you need daily physical contact, but your DH doesn't. You need to find a way for both of you to get what you need and both of you might need to compromise. One more than the other sometimes,

You need to work on pattern/trigger recognition and ways to handle/avoid those. etc etc.

But there is zero benefit to either of you to try to address this while your DH can't talk to you about it (in a "shutdown"). Maybe therapy would help?

"spacevforvsvreecdatsveach" ?

He DOES pull his weight re: kids and household, no concerns there.

OP everyone has given good suggestions but the truth is your DH is not some zoo animal for you to observe and make notes. He is your husband. You cannot do this without his engagement

If he refuses to acknowledge there's even a problem you're stuck.

What’s his understanding of the situation when it happens?

Just that he's anxious but doesn't know why.

Thank you very much. The ABC approach sounds very useful and I'll put it into practice starting today.

@HebburnPokemon

I need help to stop taking a selfish stance on this. I'm overwhelmed by how it's making me feel rather than being a good wife. What would being a good wife look like in this situation?

I would say the EXACT OPPOSITE. This is worrying me. It's coming over loud and clear that you feel that considering your own needs and happiness is 'selfish', and also that you have the idea that being 'a good wife' by becoming a doormat who just soaks it all up is your bounden duty. You need help beyond what you are asking about, and I wonder if your last paragraph hints that you are aware of that somewhere, and it's bubbling up?

Wow this must be so hard for you. I have ADHD. I have mini moments of feeling like this. Like half an hour. I make myself snap out of it because I always know its a me problem and not the people around me. I'm not suggesting your DH can snap out, we all have different issues at different levels. When this happens to me I go and do something fun, or therapeutic. One way or another I just get out the house for a bit and it resets me.

Yes, that's a correct interpretation of my intent.

I have ADHD (diagnosed) and this happens to me. It's usually the result of overwhelm and over stimulation. DH calls it "blue screening" I have so many tabs open that I crash. I usually need a day or two to reset, close down what can be closed down and then I'm good.

Before I was diagnosed I didn't know what was going on and it was hideous on DH, but we have worked hard together to recognise when it's about to happen and take action before the crash.

It has a (potentially disproportionate?) impact on me because of my own personal baggage (childhood trauma, & my own neurodiversity).

I don't suggest you change your love language but it is overkill when someone wants to cuddle you 24/7 for a neurodiverse person anyway. I couldn't cope with that.

Try not to take offence with your partner he obviously loves you dearly, you just need to have patience when he's like this.
There's no pattern to it either it's just when our brains scream "ENOUGH!" And we can't cope/mask anymore.

Yes, that's how it feels. But rather than walking on eggshells, I just close in on myself and stop attempting contact. It's difficult for me as I'm a very demonstrative person. I also work from home and often the only adult I see F2F is my husband. So that doesn't help.

Speaking as an older person with an ADHD diagnosis, tell your husband that you hate to see him distressed and he needs to work with you rather than hurling baseless insults.

Diagnosis is not a free pass to behave just as he pleases. In order to function in this world, it is necessary to put things in place to support yourself. Yes this takes effort but it makes life a lot more manageable for all.

Don’t try to tackle this whilst he’s in shutdown, but together try to unpick what happens in the time immediately before feeling this way. You’ve had some great advice. In my experience medication will help, so it may be worth hanging out for that if the wait is not too long.

Yes he does meet my needs when he's not in shutdown, but the frequency of the shutdowns means there's long periods of 'rejection' like this. I'm trying to figure out whether I need to woman up and deal with it or whether my upset is justified. We both have personal boundaries - how do we negotiate them? Thinking aloud here.

might need adjustments and changes to his lifestyle

Such as?

OP you sound a bit full on and needy, which might be part of the problem, albeit not the fundamental cause.

Surely the man is allowed to spend some time by and with himself and not have you constantly wanting his presence, attention, kisses, cuddles and sex all the time? I couldn't function if my partner was like this, nor him me.

Although if it's more about him suddenly switching from one way of being with you to the other, without warning, leaving you discombobulated, I suggest you get some ADHD-aware relationship counselling together understand and manage each other's needs better.

I also work from home and often the only adult I see F2F is my husband. So that doesn't help.

I think you have identified here that some of the issue is you being dependent on your husband to provide all of your human physical, emotional and intellectual contact most of the time. This isn't healthy or sustainable for either of you, ADHD in one partner or not. But it's worse because you are at the more demanding end of the scale in terms of being demonstrative and needing both an outlet for that and for it to be reciprocal. It really isn't just your husband who needs help or to manage his neurodiversity. In fact I'm not actually sure he does because it sounds as though he tries to give himself what he needs and you aren't letting him, hence he is getting more annoyed, frustrated and overwhelmed.

He's currently awaiting ADHD meds which I'm hoping will help.

I do hope that this decision is truly between him and his doctor and any therapists he see, and not because you are pushing him towards them. Because although they do help people there are also downsides and risk factors to them immediately and in the longer term, and expectations also need to be managed.

If you are hoping that meds will fix him to be the version of him that you think he ought to be, you are going to be on a sticky wicket.

OP I have an ASD diagnosis but I'm also an adult so I ensure that I do the best possible by my husband, and woulnd't treat him like that. The world doesn't revolve around me just because of my diagnosis.

And if I never hear that fucking term neurospicy again it will be too soon.