ADHD husband's 'shutdowns'

[HebburnPokemon]

I don't know whether I'm being unreasonable by raising this as a concern - my husband thinks I am.

Around a few times each month, my (unmedicated) ADHD-diagnosed husband will suddenly 'shutdown', meaning he goes quiet, rejects affection, can't explain what's wrong (other than 'feeling anxious'), is non-communicative, rejects sex, etc. At best, he'll reluctantly give me a kiss if I ask for one. He ignores my attempt to cuddle him or any kind of physical contact. There will be minimal communication. This will last a few days.

This makes me feel confused, lonely and anxious myself. I've tried raising my concerns in a serious tone and a light-hearted tone. He says I'm being selfish.

AIBU? How can I manage this situation?

Good for you. Its not a competition. I have AuAdhd to 'counter' your declaration as if it trumps my opinion and think it's discriminatory and ignorant to call someone supporting someone's disability 'pandering'

He's quite defensive. He genuinely doesn't think there's anything wrong with his behaviour/actions. This got me thinking that I might be the unreasonable one, hence this thread.

I think its a little of both.

I have adhd, as do my son and my adult older brother (and asd) and we all suffer this to a point.. i have to say my brother behaves very much like your DH.

He does need to learn to recognise the signs of impending shut down, there will be little warning signs of it happening. For me i get tired/irritable and very noise sensitive, and i've learned to do stuff like.. wear earplugs (loops) nicer clothing that doesn't irritate me, turn the tv down, and indulge in a mindless little hobby.

He can't stop them completely, but he can lessen them.

From your side, yes, to a point you do need to learn to get over it, and work on your triggers that make you feel sick/upset/rejected while he's taking a mental time/out due to shut down.

You can't fix him, you can work on how you respond.

I think you need to put "love language" to the side. There is no prescriptive way to be in a relationship and if you were a man on this thread, people would be telling you to stop pestering him. On the other hand, being spoken to aggressively when you try to raise things is not a nice way for you to have to live either.

Does he have any counselling or therapy to help him learn how to cope in shut downs? It sounds like he is potentially embarrassed and is using agression as a way to avoid talking about it. Would it be possible for you to both have a conversation with a mediator to discuss a mutually agreeable way forward? If you can leave off the physicality and he leaves off the aggression for the duration of the shutdown, would that be enough for you?

You realise she's neuro divergent too? He's not a victim here. It's not all about his needs.

Hes a grown damn adult who gets pissy with her because he needs his space a few time a month for a few days but apparently holds down a job outside the home with no problems. But sure blame her for needing her needs met and needing to educate herself all about his needs.

You mentioned you're also ND, and you wondered about how empathy is affected by ND - Is this something that might be affecting your ability to empathise with your husband's struggles?

It comes across a bit like your don't really see his disorder as something that really affects him, moreso that it is something that affects you.

If he's like me, ft work plus kids just means that he has nothing left. He just can't process any more.

This makes sense. His shutdowns went a lot more frequent when he went 50/50 with his ex. My dream is to earn enough so he doesn't need to work FT. It's doable.

It doesn't mean that you are incompatible- you have a bit of catastrophic thinking going on there

I recognise that.

I think even in a typical relationship your issues are magnifying the problem. Imagine you are a man saying your love language is physical touch and your wife tells you she’s stressed and anxious and needs space. Instead of respecting that, you get stressed and anxious too and probably put pressure on for intimacy to be resumed asap. Which will almost certainly make them withdraw further and perpetuate the problem.

He literally can't help it. It's all part and parcel of the neurodiversity. When I'm in that state I physically cannot pull myself out of it and have to wait for my brain to allow it.

He described it as sulking. He said she did it in response to an argument with his dad.

She may have ADHD or not. I think his dad is more likely, but we're going off on a tangent.

If he has 50/50 custody of his kids, how does his shutdowns affect his care of his children?

Is this his plan then? You take on the extra work so he can reduce his hours, you have to leave him alone when he wants?
Am shocked but not really by some of the responses to you, basically telling you his needs are priority, whatever he wants is to happen, and the usual sanctimonious 'educate yourself'!

What I find helped in my situation was to read up everything I could on shutdowns. Just reading about people's experiences online helped a lot of fall into place for me, and helped me realise that the shutdowns are not a comment on me or on our relationship at all. Sometimes I have to tell myself that over and over again, because in situations where I am feeling upset and emotional and he responds by shutting down, it feels personal and it feels hurtful. I also have to remind myself sometimes about what a great partner he is in general and how he shows love in his own way (through baked goods, he makes excellent cake!).

It is hard, OP. I get it. Yes, in an ideal world we would all be super-understanding and patient all the time, but we are also people with our own feelings and needs and sometimes it just feels like it is all too much to cope with. I think it is good that you have reached out on here to discuss this issue, rather than trying to deal with it alone. If you have friends or family that you can share this with, maybe that would be a good idea too? I have some close friends who I can share things with when I am finding the shutdowns upsetting.

I think you need to put "love language" to the side. There is no prescriptive way to be in a relationship and if you were a man on this thread, people would be telling you to stop pestering him.

This. If a man was constantly demanding kisses, cuddles and sex whilst his wife was extreme state of anxiety or overwhelm it would be very grim. I’m amazed that he’s being called the selfish one on this thread.

If you hadn’t mentioned that he has ADHD people would be here saying that this is stonewalling and therefore abusive.

The cause is different - but the behaviour (and how it makes you feel) is the same. Someone being completely uncommunicative several times a month is a lot to deal with and must make for an awful atmosphere.

No advice really, but you have my deep sympathy

Absolutely this, and to have posters telling her she's in the wrong and is to blame and she NEEDS TO BE BETTER?!!

I've not seen one post saying that

What if it were migraines causing him to need to withdraw and be left alone, instead of ADHD?

Would you call that stonewalling too?

I don’t understand what happens with the kids in these shutdowns? Is it all up to you?
please do something nice for yourself for your birthday. Walk and coffee, mooch around a gallery, browse the shops, go to the library, borrow a book and read it, a movie, a nice dinner out on your own- pick something that makes you happy.

Fuck me Neurodiversity has become a catch all excuse for people to be deeply self indulgent and selfish.
And come right at me with “abelist” do. I have disabled people in my family, I’m diagnosed ND myself (20 years ago), but all this shutdown stuff, this is not a reason to treat the people you live with like crap.
Adults get overwhelmed; they lay off screens, get an early night, listen to some music. They don’t construct elaborate narratives to allow themselves to be dicks to everyone on a regular basis.

I wonder if the OP might find a way to communicate in a way that doesn't result in defense from him.

When saying how you feel, say how you FEEL, don't simply hide a blame/judement/evaluation/assumption/belief, by saying "I feel...". People respond to the content not the framing.

"I feel scared you don't love me, I feel anxious about our marriage, I feel resentful when I think you are withdrawing from me" is all ok.

What I suspect the OP says - as so very many people do - would be
"I feel you don't love me"
"I feel you're not committed to our marriage"
"I feel you don't want to be with me"

In this case, what he rightly hears is "you don't love me, you're not committed to me, and you are about to leave me" - which he will of course defend himself from

Why is it ok to demand kisses and cuddles from someone who is feeling ill and not able to give them?

That is what op is doing.

If I were downed with a migraine for a couple of days several times a month and my husband had to do everything for us and the kids I’d be soo so so appreciative. Not angry at him.

Both are true - I'm autistic and I'm struggling to have empathy for this situation.

It's frustrating because I'm normally a very empathetic person - I pick up vibes before other people; feel moved to tears when someone is upset, care deeply.

Why is it ok to demand kisses and cuddles from someone who is feeling ill and not able to give them?
Its not. It’s also not ok to stonewall
and opt out regularly and expect everyone to tippy toe around you.