ADHD husband's 'shutdowns'

[HebburnPokemon]

I don't know whether I'm being unreasonable by raising this as a concern - my husband thinks I am.

Around a few times each month, my (unmedicated) ADHD-diagnosed husband will suddenly 'shutdown', meaning he goes quiet, rejects affection, can't explain what's wrong (other than 'feeling anxious'), is non-communicative, rejects sex, etc. At best, he'll reluctantly give me a kiss if I ask for one. He ignores my attempt to cuddle him or any kind of physical contact. There will be minimal communication. This will last a few days.

This makes me feel confused, lonely and anxious myself. I've tried raising my concerns in a serious tone and a light-hearted tone. He says I'm being selfish.

AIBU? How can I manage this situation?

Theres normally a trigger even if not explicit, normally overwhelmed by something. Most my adhd Dr mates say meds help

I'm neurodiverse. As a Dr I often shut down after a run of oncalls (we do 3x 13h days in a row with 3h commutes) and as an anaesthetist often dealing with people at the worst points of their life. I get easily "people-d" out is what triggers it. It takes so much sub conscious effort to appear neurotypical that when I get home I just crash. I often spend 2-3h sat on the floor vaguely scrolling bbc news or mumsnet taking nothing in then go to bed. My partner just laughs and says I'm in zombie mode. Self resolves after 2-3 days of short (10h) elective surgery shifts and better sleep

I have to agree with the post you're replying to. This is how it is for me and my partner also, we tend to get overwhelmed and stressed but this can manifest in a way where we don't realise it's happening until it's too late. The best thing I've found to reverse this is to get home from work and go to bed for the evening just doing nothing.. I tend to be okay more or less the next day.

My husband has times like this. We have worked through it over time.

I have accepted that there are times he needs space and quiet and to be alone, and when he feels like that he can't make small talk or cuddle or anything. I've learned to leave him be and worked hard on understanding that it's not me (also raised in a sulky household and his behaviour initially caused me loads of anxiety).

He has learned to express that it's not me clearly, accept that I might want to try and help him feel better, tell me clearly what he needs, and make an effort to not be grumpy or short with me.

I think it's just about having open, honest conversations without blame, at a time when you are both in a good place to talk and not too emotional.

For me, as long as I know my husband cares about how I feel and makes an effort and apologises if he needs to, then I can let it go that there are times like this. Everyone is different and can accept different things in a relationship, though, it depends on how you feel.

@LameBorzoi @BuffaloCauliflower I accept that he may not be able to do anything about it. But OP came here for support and understanding and she deserves that. I am saying I understand how she feels, I don't think she's needy, and being rejected and shut down on a regular basis would bring me down too. She has a life and mental health to take care of too. Some women could put up with his shutdowns, fine. I couldn't and OP is entitled to look at her life and her relationship and make decisions for her own wellbeing.

Leave him alone during his "shutdowns" or leave altogether.
You shouldn't have to pander to this.
Full stop.

@GingerPirate you clearly have no idea about neurodiversity. Understanding a partners disability is not ’pandering’.

I get the same thing it means I’ve over exerted myself I become hyper sensitive to noise and touch and I need to be in a dark room alone with a sound machine and have some down time

Theres a big difference between this and rejection, though.

This is like not wanting sex because you are exhausted. As opposed to n rejection, which is more like not wanting sex because you aren't attracted to someone.

Pestering some for affection when they have emotional exhaustion / shut down is like pestering someone for sex.

"In sickness and in health" I think the vows go?

If he's suffering ADHD burnout then he's not withdrawing to try to upset you, he's just not able to be his normal self for those days. It's an awful feeling and some understanding wouldn't go amiss. Medication and learning coping strategies will likely help in future.

In the meantime perhaps you can work on your own anxieties about this, and try to understand that it's not about you or done against you.

Have you read much about your husband's neurological disorder? Perhaps if you learn more about how ADHD affects adults, you will feel more able to not take it personally and find ways to improve things together.

You're taking this too personally. He has a disability. That disability results in temporary shutdowns. "Love" cannot overcome a disability, but love also doesn't disappear just because he is in shutdown. So stop trying to make him prove his love when he mentally can't in those moments. It doesn't mean he doesn't love you. It doesn't mean he is rejecting you. Those episodes have nothing to do with you or his feelings or commitment to you. But by continuing to make them about you, there is a risk that his mental health will get worse because he knows that when things get bad for him he will have to deal with you spiralling too.

If you can't handle his condition, it might be best to end this relationship because it's only going to wear you both down.

You can understand a partners behaviour perfectly, yet still not be willing to live with the impact of it.

A period of withdrawal that lasts for several days, several times a month in addition with being told she's selfish for trying to address the issue is not sustainable for most healthy relationships.

It is not his fault, it is very much his responsibility to work with you on this to make the relationship more acceptable for both of you, not flounce angrily out of the room when asked to discuss. I'd get yourself some individual counselling OP, I think you need a clearer view on what you want out of a relationship, and whether it's likely to happen in this one, rather than a focus on how you can dance around his behaviour.

You’re both just humans going through something there isn’t a rule book for. Be kinder to yourself.

I’m sure you can work this out. There are good videos on Youtube about ND couples and how they learned to deal with each other's quirks and needs.

I would make sure | had a plan for how to entertain myself during these times. When he’s “back” be pleased to see him. Tell him what you got up to.

Ask for a new start where you agree not to be dicks to each other.

It sounds like burnout/sensory overload. Like how women describe feeling 'touched out' from their children, that's how it gets for me (dx ADHD). Too many thoughts, overstimulated, can't deal with being touched or having conversations. I just want to switch off and be silent and very still. I had an ex who was very much a physical touchy person and I struggled with this anyway, but throw burnout into the mix and it gave me the rage.

I can understand why you feel upset and rejected but this is who he is, he can't help it. It doesn't sound personal. Only you know whether it's something you can accept or not.

I see he’s waiting on getting meds - any idea of the timeline there?

A few times a month is a lot. It means that for quite a lot of your time you’re subjected to this treatment by him

Yes, it's a rollercoaster.

ADHD doesn’t cause people to be completely unempathetic

I've read that it actually can. ADHD is linked to troubles with empathy? To be fair to him, he has recognised he has problems with empathy and is reading self-help books on the topic.

Also have a look into alexythemia. It may help articulate why he can't explain

I think exercise might be very useful here. He used to enjoy the gym.

If I could report this for disability discrimination and mn would care, I would. Horrible

Some further thoughts from me, OP. I did have a partner with then-undiagnosed ADHD and he'd also do the shutdown thing and barely speak to me for periods of time. In his case it would mostly involve headphones on and writing music. It was difficult but in time I learned to cope with it and do my own thing and be emotionally self-sufficient. So much so however that I left him because what's the point if you can't have proper emotional intimacy?

I'm acutely aware, as I said earlier, of not being the easiest person to be with myself so I try to have enough self-awareness to mitigage that with my husband.
The reality is that no-one should be a martyr to another being and the only people owned unconditional love are babies and small children.

If I could report this for disability discrimination and mn would care, I would. Horrible

I agre with that post and I have ASD. Other humans are not support animals for the neurodiverse.

Very helpful points.

I'll tell him about ADHD coaching - I'm not sure he's aware it exists - I wasn't.

I'm currently awaiting counselling for this very issue (feeling needy/over-reliant). I've had the triage appointment already.

Have you seen the anxious and avoidant attachment dance?

I have yes - it sums up what's happening here. However, when he's not in shutdown, he can be just as tactile as me, so I'm not sure if my situation is attachment-related.

Nobody said they were. But accommodating isn’t pandering. Two people in a relationship have to accommodate one another, no? And a shutdown isn’t a choice.

Partners are usually support animals to partners though!

No, adhd people don't have trouble with empathy. It's a spectrum, some will have low, some - myself included- have extreme empathy. There's different types of empathy, have a look at theory of mind on Google, it may help your understanding

This, but you'll get flamed for this opinion.