ADHD husband's 'shutdowns'

[HebburnPokemon]

I don't know whether I'm being unreasonable by raising this as a concern - my husband thinks I am.

Around a few times each month, my (unmedicated) ADHD-diagnosed husband will suddenly 'shutdown', meaning he goes quiet, rejects affection, can't explain what's wrong (other than 'feeling anxious'), is non-communicative, rejects sex, etc. At best, he'll reluctantly give me a kiss if I ask for one. He ignores my attempt to cuddle him or any kind of physical contact. There will be minimal communication. This will last a few days.

This makes me feel confused, lonely and anxious myself. I've tried raising my concerns in a serious tone and a light-hearted tone. He says I'm being selfish.

AIBU? How can I manage this situation?

Op is not leaving him alone though. She's causing him more grief. And no one said he doesn't look after his kids or anything. He just can't perform her "love language" while he's feeling ill.

It's the frequency that concerns me most. A lot of our time is spent in this dynamic. If this was an occasional situation, I'd react differently.

You don't love them like you do your husband though so it doesn't have the same strong desire to 'fix it' and reconnect with him if you're anything like me :)

Not sure how you took that from my post!

I had actually missed where the op said that she’s ND but I had wondered whether she might be.

I’m not sure where you think I said that the dh was a victim, or that the OP’s needs don’t matter? What I said was that it might help the op to understand shutdown so that it doesn’t trigger her rejection sensitivity so much.

You might want to learn a bit more about it before commenting. The dh likely uses up all his processing ability at work. He doesn’t ’get pissy’, he has a neurological response, like a seizure. At these times he isn’t able to meet her needs, but she says he does the rest of the time.

He gets equally snappy with them as he does to me.

It's my ideal. For me to earn enough that he doesn't need to work FT and so had a lot less shutdowns. Everyone would be happier.

What if he constantly badgered you for kisses and cuddles then gave you a guilt trip for rejecting him because you needed to be left alone to sleep it off? Might you get cross then?

Not getting at you there op, just countering this analogy.

Would either of you be eligible for pip? I’ll wait to be flamed for that.

Do look into the access to work scheme and see if there are adjustments that can be made to help your dh at work, to maybe reduce the frequency of shutdown even without reducing hours.

Not read all the posts but my DH is autism and likely adhd. Different features in different environments. It used to really upset me when my DH went cold and we would end up having big arguments. I'd take it really personally!! I'm a fixer, so if he'd gone quiet I want to ' make him better' which I can't do! Taken me 10yrs to work this one out!
I've had to change mind set and alow him space HOWEVER he has also had to do some work on himself and reflec how his adhd / autism affects him and what helps. The thing that worked for us was discussing his family and the traits off adhd in his siblings and parents and what they do we could then discuss reactions without it being too personal and then gradually he started to release thar he does those things too.

He describes it as being asked to run a marathon with a broken leg. He also describe it as a migraine because that is more socially acceptable.

OP you sound a bit full on and needy, which might be part of the problem from pp.

Why did the relationship which produced the children break down, OP? are you on terms with the exDP/DW which would allow you to find out how the ‘shutdowns ‘ are affecting the DC?

I know people say that ND runs in families, probably it does, but I also wonder whether sometimes it is learnt behaviour that runs in families too. My mother was a sulker , and she hated her father mainly because his sulking ( withdrawal) made their home life quite unpleasant. I have therefore tried really hard not to be a sulker, to the point where I used to have a little notice inside my make up bag about not letting the sun go down on anger. Who knows whether I was predisposed to it ‘physically’? I do know it is a temptation which I could work against.

Physical inheritance or learned behaviour, your DH does need to try not to foster similar potentialities in his offspring. Oh, and you are not ‘selfish’ to mind being exiled from your partner during these events, either.

That's not comparable to having a disability

I think the Op has made a rod for her own back by going on about love language and kisses and cuddles.

The issue is someone being completely uncommunicative for days at a time, several times a month with the whole family. Yes there is a cause - but that doesn’t make it easier to deal with someone who will only give one word answers and in the OPs own words be “snappy”with the children.

That is fucking difficult to live with.

the OP is also bending over backwards to accommodate it (for example suggesting he drops down to PT so work doesn’t overwhelm him) and still being called selfish, despite being ND herself.

Did you just tell me to educate myself on neuro diversity?

He doesn't meet the needs of his kids either, so that falls on her too. You still not going to say he needs to get his shit sorted out like the thousands of ND women have to so they can parent their children?
It wasn't just your one post.

I suggested you might want to educate yourself on what a shutdown is.

Ah, but I get it, you’re one of the ‘feminist’ ranters for whom everything is about the patriarchy.

I’m an ND woman. I still shut down! The op says her dh is meeting his dc’s needs!

He’s trying to get his shit sorted. By doing what he needs to do, to come out of shutdown. What else is he supposed to do? He can’t control his neurology! If you’re suggesting he needs to push through, he probably does! Which is why he gets to the point of shutdown 🤷‍♀️

This isn't about you demanding kisses and cuddles and being needy OP, ignore anyone suggesting that is so.

His behaviour is affecting those closest to him, his wife and his children and he has an obligation to accept and deal with it, not blame on your supposed selfishness.

This is part of the problem, as OP has acknowledged herself several times. She has also said that she is seeking help for it but hasn’t been able to access it yet.

😂 sorry, I meant ‘space for a few days each month’. I should really proofread my posts.

Omg. How many times. It’s a NEUROLOGICAL RESPONSE, not behaviour!

Omg? Stop shouting. Behaviour can be as a result of a neurological response. They're not mutually exclusive.

... and it doesn't actually matter, when it comes down to it. If you are miserable in your marriage because your spouse is displaying behaviours, whatever the root cause, and refuses to acknowledge the toll it is having on you, on your relationship and that of his with his children, then you are at liberty to decide what you need to do to deal with it, if they will not. You're not under any onus to just accept the status quo because it has got a diagnosis.

I think you need to let him have his shut downs. Can you do something else for yourself while he is like that? I would encourage him to try medication but I know not everyone wants to.

I have adhd so did my ex. He did this but he was a cunt. Nothing to do with adhd.
Sorry no help.

This response is one I’ve heard so many times. ADHD symptoms get worse with age, a bit like we have exacerbated symptoms at perimenopause time, men do too! Male menopause has its own page on NHS.
I am married to ADHD-er, untreated, unresolved issues as a result. I suck it up and do stuff for myself. And try to communicate when non-shutdown periods. Nobody would ever understand unless been there. But I also remind self, they can’t help it.