ADHD husband's 'shutdowns'

[HebburnPokemon]

I don't know whether I'm being unreasonable by raising this as a concern - my husband thinks I am.

Around a few times each month, my (unmedicated) ADHD-diagnosed husband will suddenly 'shutdown', meaning he goes quiet, rejects affection, can't explain what's wrong (other than 'feeling anxious'), is non-communicative, rejects sex, etc. At best, he'll reluctantly give me a kiss if I ask for one. He ignores my attempt to cuddle him or any kind of physical contact. There will be minimal communication. This will last a few days.

This makes me feel confused, lonely and anxious myself. I've tried raising my concerns in a serious tone and a light-hearted tone. He says I'm being selfish.

AIBU? How can I manage this situation?

He’s dysregulated and is trying to tell you to give him some space, so maybe give home some space??

Other side of the coin here...it reads to me that he's needs a bit of personal space and you're not respecting that.

A few times a month is a lot. It means that for quite a lot of your time you’re subjected to this treatment by him - the fact that it’s caused by his adhd doesn’t make it easier to be on the receiving end.
What stands out here is the way he gets aggressive when you’re upset about it. ADHD doesn’t cause that. A good partner would recognise the effect they are having on their spouse, and try to minimise it. Your husband seems to be doing nothing to help himself and mitigate the effect he has on you.
There is ND in my family and all of the affected people understand how they can affect others at times. Nobody gets annoyed at their partners or family members for being upset by meltdowns or shutdowns. ADHD doesn’t cause people to be completely unempathetic and self absorbed.
It’s good that he’s seeking medication and I hope it helps. He should also be working on identifying his specific triggers, and exploring what he could do to avoid them or minimise his reactions to them.

For me, pacing sensory input is critical. I’m not able to work full time. I need a lot of down time and time to regulate. Exercise is important. I plan down time following social interaction. I use loop ear plugs and sunglasses to modulate sensory input and I can now feel when I’m becoming overwhelmed so I take a short time out at that point rather than pushing through so that I melt down or shut down. Which I know is a luxury to some degree but without it i don’t function well. It will be different for others though as not every ND person is the same.

He would probably benefit from ADHD coaching if he can access it, if he is in work, Access to Work might be a way to access this.

I also wonder whether therapy for you might help you and him, so that you’re not experiencing his shutdown as rejection. That’s not to blame you, but it sounds like the dynamic is triggering both of you.

Have you seen the anxious and avoidant attachment dance? It might be helpful for you even though your DH’s withdrawal isn’t an attachment issue.

My dh has autism and he has shutdowns. His are different though as they don't last as long but he goes to sleep when he has one. They are normally caused by his parents upsetting him. He also has times if there are lots of people around he will disappear until they have mostly gone. Dc2 is autistic and he does the same. Dc5 is the opposite, he wants to hug everyone who stands still long enough.

I have ADHD, I get like that sometimes- I never really knew it was a ‘thing’. Not generally very often though, maybe a few days every few months? I get sort of ‘stuck’ in my head, negative thoughts go round and round and everything out of my head annoys/upsets me. It’s really horrible. I don’t know if that’s the same for your husband. I can ‘put on a show’ for work but at home I don’t even want to. Maybe that makes me a bad person too. I would really struggle with DP feeling like I was being selfish as you are, when I’m ’in that place’ I wouldn’t be able to care about that unfortunately. I just need a bit of extra time, space and love.

If these shutdowns are ADHD-related, then he is not doing it deliberately and I would be a bad wife to hold it against him, that's my thinking.

That's useful advice. "Reset" is a critical word in neurodiversity. I find when the brain 'crashes', a hard reset is needed. I might suggest he goes to the gym.

You need to respect the fact that he's not in the mood for sex and cuddles, just as you would expect him to do the same for you if you felt that way. what you can work on as a couple is the communication and, as others have mentioned, both of your awareness of triggers and how to ameliorate them, where reasonable or possible.

Edit, just seen that he frequents a gym, so yes, that is a good way of self regulating.

I think that the reframing it is a good idea. This happens to me, and it doesn't mean that I'm rejecting people, although it can look like it. It happens when I just have too much to process - it's like when your computer freezes and there is a little circle spinning or a little hourglass. Q

OP you sound a bit full on and needy, which might be part of the problem

Situations like this do certainly make me feel needy, and have prompted me to seek counselling.

not have you constantly wanting his presence

Not sure whether this is hyperbole, but we both work FT, so I never have (nor want) his constant presence. When we do however spend time together, I'm affectionate like anyone with a physical love language would be. Ironically, when we first met, I asked him to do the love languages quiz and his result was physical also.

if it's more about him suddenly switching from one way of being with you to the other, without warning, leaving you discombobulated

Yes, this is exactly what happens. Do you know if Relate specialise in ADHD? I know they have started to do Autism sessions.

It really isn't just your husband who needs help or to manage his neurodiversity. In fact I'm not actually sure he does because it sounds as though he tries to give himself what he needs and you aren't letting him

Might the situation simply be a case of: no one is 'wrong'; we simply have different (clashing) needs and might be incompatible? I got a lump in my throat typing that.

I do hope that this decision is truly between him and his doctor and any therapists he see, and not because you are pushing him towards them

I personally don't have any strong opinion on the meds issue. He sought a diagnosis to get meds, so it's 100% his decision.

Sorry if i've missed it but is he willing to discuss this when he's not having one of his 'times' or does he never want to discuss it?

There seems to be too very stark opinions on this thread. Yours (which speaks to my pain) and *WilfredDidNotStealYourSausages's *which speaks to my husband's pain. It's hard to untangle. His behaviour hurts me. My behaviour irritates him.

Can you ignore/reject your spouse on a regular basis and call that 'space'? Is this what a healthy relationship looks like? If so, perhaps I need to reset my expectations. Relate might help.

Can you work on yourself and your perception of what’s happen so you feel less attacked by it. He’s not doing it ‘to’ you, this is his brain shutting down he can’t control it. As a comparison by DH has T1 diabetes and when his blood sugar is low it affects his mood and behaviour, it’s out of his control and it’s on me not to be offended by it - it’s not at all like his normal persona. ADHD shutdowns/burnout are the same thing, out of the persons control to a big extent. Can you reframe it in your mind and make a plan for how you can manage YOUR emotions when he’s in these states?

I also missed what you said about his mum - ADHD is extremely heritable, there’s a good chance his mum is also ND and her ‘sulking’ was also shutdown. Obviously I don’t know his mum and can’t prove this, but something to think about.

You do believe he has ADHD right? He’s not ignoring or rejecting you, his disability is disabling him. It’s not about you.

Personally, I couldn't live like that. I don't think you're needy. I'd expect him to get on meds and speak to his doctor ASAP. If he hasn't already, it shows he doesn't give a shit and just expects you to put up with it.

OK, let's accept for a moment he has a condition and cannot help it and nothing can be changed. Where does that leave YOU? YOU are a person too. A person that matters, your feelings, your life, your experience, your mental health matter too. You only have one life, you need to decide if you can live it like this.

Whether you're incompatible or whether he truly cannot help it, it doesn't really matter ultimately. What matters is the reality of your life day to day. Relationships are there to make our lives better. If it's just making you feel rejected and walking on egg shells, what is the point? It's now damaging your own mental health.

He isn't rejecting you, though.

If he's like me, ft work plus kids just means that he has nothing left. He just can't process any more.

It doesn't mean that you ate incompatible- you have a bit of catastrophic thinking going on there.

This.

I have ADHD and literally cannot stop myself shutting down during stressful times.

Ouch, abelist much? The distress here is because of the way OP is interpreting his behaviour. God forbid the poor man have some down time.

@Overtired345 meds don’t work for everyone and won’t necessarily prevent these shut downs. It’s also pretty hard to get ADHD meds in this country, nothing to do with not caring

I think this answer really demonstrates your lack of understanding OP. Your MIL wasn't 'sulking' she was most likely having her own overwhelm/shut down just like your OH does. I expect she was ND too, but just never knew, as neurodiversity runs in families.

To still think of it as 'sulking' after all you know about your OH really suggests a lack of any understanding though. You say you're ND too so maybe you struggle to put yourself in other people's shoes and understand things from their point of view? That might be another reason why you're finding this all so difficult to navigate perhaps?

Perhaps some couples counselling could help you both? I'd also recommend really reading up on ADHD to help you understand what is going on for your DH.