To think she could have chosen a different day to tell me she is pregnant?

[Butterbeansontoast]

I have a friend/work colleague who I used to be quite close to. We would meet regularly outside work and support us through some difficult times. These days I would class her more as good work colleagues but we occasionally still meet up and chat outside work.

My DH and I have been going through IVF and are just recovering from our 5th failed transfer that resulted in a chemical pregnancy. She knows about our fertility struggles. It was my birthday yesterday and DH had organised a little trip away which is a rare treat due to the financial burden of IVF. She knew how excited I was about it and how I felt I needed the break to get away from it all.

She choose the day of the trip to text me excitedly that she is pregnant. I opened the message thinking it was a happy birthday message. I am of course really happy for her but found it so difficult to put my head into my day and enjoy it carefree as my thoughts kept wandering to her announcement. She then texted later in the day with ‘oh happy birthday btw, pregnancy brain already kicking in’.

I am more than prepared to be told AIBU (and I know I am) as she can of course announce whenever she feels like it but part of me wishes she would have waited just one day especially as she knew how important it was for me.

Yes a bit thoughtless of her. But she is obviously SO excited and wanted to share her news. Depends how close you really are? Do you think there was anything more to it than thoughtlessness? Hearing about her pregnancy progress is going to be difficult. Maybe ease away a bit?

No wonder you felt the way you did.

She was very insensitive and self-centred.

I think most people would be hurt by her actions x

That's absolutely rubbish - she should not have done that. I have been her, on more than one occasion, and gave a lot of thought as to when and where I broke my pregnancy news to friends who were going through fertility issues to cause them the least possible distress. On their birthday would certainly not have been on my list!

I cannot understand how cruel some people can be. Thinking of you.

i think that’s pretty thoughtless of her - yes she’s excited and wants to share (and i’m sure you’re happy for her) but i’d certainly have been more considerate of a friend’s feelings than that - regardless of my excitement/happiness. the second message makes it worse imo. 💐 good luck with your fertility journey.

I think that’s spectacularly thoughtless tbh. I think most people are mindful about how to share their happy news when they know someone else is struggling.

Sounds like she wasnt thinking and forgotten it was your birthday. A kind yabu. Happy birthday and hope the next round works. I've been sadly where you are and know how you feel. I'd prefer a text saying someone was pregnant to face to face so I get myself together.

Op is not BU.

Even texting excitedly to a woman who's struggling is out of order. Especially when it's her birthday!

Thanks everyone. It is nice to hear that my feeling are not wholly unreasonable. I don’t think there was any calculated malice behind it (although she can be very self-centred) but her second message in my eyes felt like rubbing it in even more. It was me who pulled away from the friendship in the first place and I will see how it goes from here.

Really shitty of her and you're not wrong to think it was inconsiderate. Distance yourself from her gradually.

Yes that was thoughtless. She’s probably kicking herself (or at least I hope she is).
I’d see how she is as the pregnancy moves on and if she carries on in that vein then a quick ‘I’m really happy for you but this is difficult for me so please could we talk about something else’ wiould probably help.
Happy Birthday and I hope you get success in your next round.

Thank you @Londonrach1. I hope you had your positive outcome now.

The follow up message was even worse, doesn't seem she reflected on her behaviour at all. Sadly.

Op I would distance myself.

YANBU, she was really thoughtless. I hope you manage to enjoy your birthday trip. 💐

Thank you. Yes, enjoying my trip. DH is pulling out all the stops to treat us ☺️

YANBU. Thoughtless and clearly wrapped up in her excitement. She should have considered your feelings more.

You aren’t being unreasonable- that was very insensitive of her. I have suffered problems trying to conceive in the past so know how painful it is especially when you hear other people’s pregnancy news. You’re pleased for them but it’s like another blow to the heart.

Fucking hell. She may as well have slapped you whilst she was at it. Or at least stamped on your foot.
You would not be acting unreasonable if you decided to distance yourself from someone so thoughtless.

Ouch. I've been where you are and it hurts. When my best friend got pregnant and I was struggling she sent a really thoughtful email saying she knew this news would be hard but she wanted to break it to me in a way that gave me time to gather my thoughts. I had a very bad afternoon and then was able to put my grief to one side and be genuinely happy for her.

It showed she was thinking of me and how her news would impact me. There is none of that here.

She's been thoughtless but not malicious, as you say. But I agree her second text shows she wasn't thinking of how her news would hit you.

I'd not tell her how you feel but just distance yourself from now on.

My fifth round worked - I hope your sixth does! Sometimes you've just got to keep trying. Sending hugs xxx

So so insensitive. Im sorry for your struggles, best of luck!!!

Yeah, she was thoughtless and insensitive.
Hope you're ok OP, and that you did manage to have a nice birthday (sorry, haven't read the full thread).
x

Yes, she’s absolutely stupidly tone deaf.

That was really shitty of her but at least it's given you the reality of what she is like so you can decide what to do from here on. I think in your shoes it would be difficult to maintain a friendship with a pregnant friend who was extremely considerate, but someone like this it's just not possible. She didn't show any care towards you and for your own sake I would withdraw.

Yeah it's thoughtless. But I think she wanted to share the news with you. But as a fellow ivf warrior I can understand how you feel

Yanbu. She is being incredibly thoughtless. A close friend of mine had 6 rounds of IVF in the end. However I got pregnant just a couple of years into her journey. We were at the point close work colleagues/friends. I really worried about the best way to tell her as I knew the impact it would have (and the guilt she would feel about having a sad reaction). I didn't know whether to text her to give her space to have her reaction in private, or if that felt too light and in person was better. In the end we went out for dinner and I told her towards the end as gently as I could. I ended up in tears as I told her, trying my best to bloody not cry because it wasn't my pain or about me!! I'm still not sure (8 years later!) if face to face was right as it put her a bit on the spot. But we're still really close so it was obviously OK enough.

However in my friends experience most people don't know how to handle it, feel awkward and unsure (as I did!) and err on just acting normal. Perhaps your friend felt it'd be patronising to treat you any differently to how she treats any other friend? Because I worried about that too. I'm backtracking on my initial reaction of her being thoughtless and trying to think of a more charitable way to see it.

Either way I think it's easy for people to underestimate the absolute mind fuck of being pleased for your friend and at the same time desperately sad, disappointed and angry at the unfairness. It's a horrid place to be OP, I'm sorry.

YANBU, it could have been a genuine mistake because she had forgotten it was your birthday (possible, my memory is awful for these things) but then the second message should have been along the lines of “oh my gosh I’m so sorry, I totally forgot it was your birthday, I hope you’re having a lovely trip”.

Hope you can box this one away for now and enjoy your trip.