To think she could have chosen a different day to tell me she is pregnant?

[Butterbeansontoast]

I have a friend/work colleague who I used to be quite close to. We would meet regularly outside work and support us through some difficult times. These days I would class her more as good work colleagues but we occasionally still meet up and chat outside work.

My DH and I have been going through IVF and are just recovering from our 5th failed transfer that resulted in a chemical pregnancy. She knows about our fertility struggles. It was my birthday yesterday and DH had organised a little trip away which is a rare treat due to the financial burden of IVF. She knew how excited I was about it and how I felt I needed the break to get away from it all.

She choose the day of the trip to text me excitedly that she is pregnant. I opened the message thinking it was a happy birthday message. I am of course really happy for her but found it so difficult to put my head into my day and enjoy it carefree as my thoughts kept wandering to her announcement. She then texted later in the day with ‘oh happy birthday btw, pregnancy brain already kicking in’.

I am more than prepared to be told AIBU (and I know I am) as she can of course announce whenever she feels like it but part of me wishes she would have waited just one day especially as she knew how important it was for me.

@Butterbeansontoast

It sounds like you both talk in depth about your journeys to having a baby? Has she struggled at all either? If you found out you were pregnant, would you tell her immediately, as the person you have confided in for the whole journey?

Only you know her well enough to judge if this is her instantly sharing news that you would both be elated by hearing from the other, or deliberately trying to upset you.

Yeah I'm totally with you here. She sounds like a twat. Has she just done the test? Or has she waited until 12 weeks and chosen this exact moment to announce it?

I appreciate you're struggling but...I'm guessing she's told other people and wanted you to find out from her rather than second hand, so thought best to tell you by text while you have your DH with you? Being honest, there was never going to be a good time for you to hear this news, and it might have been worse to hear it at work and then have to get on with your working day. It sounds like she's given you loads of support, and now she's sharing the best thing that ever happened to her and you're rewriting history in your head to make here 'self-centred' because despite what you say obviously really you're not happy for her and you wish she wasn't pregnant. It's OK to feel that but I think YABU and unfair to your friend.

I did took 15 year but I did. It was the one month we didn't try. I wish you all the best of luck. Please try and forget this Lady's message. She properly kicking herself having forgotten it was your birthday. Xxx

It was after her 12 week scan.

Fair enough. I’m not rewriting history though and suddenly inventing her as self-centred. It was one of the reasons I pulled back a little. I completely agree that it would have always hurt a little whenever she would have announced it.

That is so inconsiderate of her. Is she always so thoughtless? I’d take my time to offer a simple congratulations text and then back off from her tbh.

Firstly, Happy Birthday..I hope you are having a lovely celebration.

Secondly, you are not unreasonable at all ..the "pregnancy brain" text just rubs salt into a wound and is spectacularly thoughtless.

I hope that you get your own time to announce your happy news soon, but in the meantime, enjoy the time with your DH and try and celebrate your birthday without giving her another thought.

OP, you are absolutely not being unreasonable. The second message makes it worse imho, and I would definitely be distancing myself, as I think she’s already showing her lack of sensitivity and empathy, and I’m not sure she’s going to get better as her pregnancy progresses. Definitely time to look after yourself. I hope that you and your DH can enjoy the rest of your birthday trip and that your next round works for you ☀️

YANBU, that’s extremely thoughtless.

I would distance myself further tbh, she sounds like the type that finds it impossible to have a conversation without reminding everyone they’re pregnant.

YANBU. I would say that's calculated to be honest. She knows your situation and any reasonable person would be considerate and think about a kind way to break the news. An OTT excited message is not the correct way to tell someone who has just failed in their fifth IVF attempt that they're pregnant, and on their birthday FFS.

Sorry to hear of your struggles I hope things work out for you. She is not your friend.

So she waited until 12w and chose your birthday on your weekend away to tell you? That’s thoughtless at best. Shows she has zero concern for you and what you’re going through. If she’d sent a really gentle message, she could be forgiven for not remembering it’s your birthday. If you are friends, she really shouldn’t forget that you’ve had 5 rounds of IVF!

OP, I’m sorry you’re going through this. I hope it all works out for you and you’re having a lovely birthday weekend (apart from this!).

Sounds like a mistake, awfully badly but as PP says, an insensitive way to tell you regardless.

Maybe back off a bit. I've had a rough time lately and the insensitive things people come out with are truly gobsmacking.

I just don't think we learn how to manage other people's hard times well on the whole until later in life.

Please don't let this ruin your weekend xx

God that's really really shit and i feel for you OP

I endured a surprise announcement by BIL and SIL at a family meal out for SIL's b.day. The scan photo handed round the restaurant table. DH and i were a week after a late loss after trying for 2 years. They knew this. They're nice people, but even though that was 12/13 years ago i can still remember the pain. Then a month after that other SIL got preg. 😫

Struggling with TTC can make us very very sensitive and emotional and unless you've been through it in some way it's impossible to know how it can effect you.

More OP

You poor thing. Very thoughtless of her. Why couldn't she just tell you in person?

I can understand how you feel a bit, years ago my SIL announced a pregnancy via message to us a few weeks after I'd had a miscarriage. Why she just didn't pick up the phone to call her brother and tell him I don't know. Messages can come in at totally unsuitable times where someone wouldn't necessarily disturb with a conversation. It isn't right we weren't designed for this. Stupid digital world

She is thoughtless. But there's never a good time. We struggled with fertility baby news was hard. A friend and a relation also struggled. When I finally got pregnant friend and relative cut me dead even though I'd handled it sensitively. Friend forgave me when she got pregnant. I don't think relative did for many years.

Well, she's as subtle as a brick, isn't she?

When I was pregnant with my second, we had the perfect time to announce, as the whole family was together for my sons birthday. We didn't live close - everyone had travelled. Perfect! Only we didn't announce, because my friend was there, and I knew she had been trying to get pregnant for 10 months with no success. It's not hard to consider others!!!!

What a thoughtless and selfish thing to do. It almost makes it worse if it was unintentional The old saying, with friends like this, you don't need enemies could not be more true! If she was truly your friend, she could have found a much more sensitive way to tell you her news without upsetting you on your birthday.

I once had a ‘friend’ like this. We were having coffee and I told her that I had just had a miscarriage (no children as yet at this point), she was quite nice and supportive and then the very next thing she told me was that she was pregnant with her second…
To this day i genuinely don’t know how i kept it together.

I was genuinely happy for her, and I would’ve happily heard this at almost any other time, but it just seemed so wrong to choose the exact time I told her about my miscarriage.
We’re still friends, but I’ve never forgotten and I no longer view her as a close friend.

Yanbu, this exact thing happened to someone I know last year and it was so upsetting to witness. Even if it's not intentionally malicious, it's incredibly insensitive and careless. I definitely don't maintain relationships with people who are careless with other people's feelings.
The IVF journey is incredibly distressing, I have my fingers crossed for you.

I struggle to understand how she could not have taken a moment’s pause to think how and when to best deliver the news. What a shame. Did she 100% know the day of the trip to the point that it would definitely be in her recent memory? For example if someone told me something 2 weeks ago, I don’t think I’d remember that detail.

I'm sorry, @Butterbeansontoast , that's awful of her. No matter how excited she might have been about her news, she could have told you in a different way at a different time, which would have been less painful.

She’s no friend OP, very inconsiderate, she should have waited to tell you, don’t let it spoil your lovely trip away. Wishing you all the best for the future.

Im so sorry about your IVF journey. 💐 that must be so hard for you both.

You'd already started to distance yourself from this person so you already knew something wasn't right for you in the friendship so her behaviour hasn't been a massive surprise but christ, that is so cruel and thoughtless. She could have waited at last another week before telling you even if that did run the risk of you finding out from someone else!

I really hope you can come back on here in the coming months to tell us your own good news OP 🙏