To think she could have chosen a different day to tell me she is pregnant?

[Butterbeansontoast]

I have a friend/work colleague who I used to be quite close to. We would meet regularly outside work and support us through some difficult times. These days I would class her more as good work colleagues but we occasionally still meet up and chat outside work.

My DH and I have been going through IVF and are just recovering from our 5th failed transfer that resulted in a chemical pregnancy. She knows about our fertility struggles. It was my birthday yesterday and DH had organised a little trip away which is a rare treat due to the financial burden of IVF. She knew how excited I was about it and how I felt I needed the break to get away from it all.

She choose the day of the trip to text me excitedly that she is pregnant. I opened the message thinking it was a happy birthday message. I am of course really happy for her but found it so difficult to put my head into my day and enjoy it carefree as my thoughts kept wandering to her announcement. She then texted later in the day with ‘oh happy birthday btw, pregnancy brain already kicking in’.

I am more than prepared to be told AIBU (and I know I am) as she can of course announce whenever she feels like it but part of me wishes she would have waited just one day especially as she knew how important it was for me.

This is really shitty of her

Maybe they’d had their scan and were announcing to people and she didn’t want you to find out from someone else? It might not be that ‘she’s chosen that day to text you excitedly that she’s pregnant’ but more that she doesn’t want you to find out from someone else.

She sounds self centred and I would distance myself from her. My sil wanted to announce on her birthday which is her prerogative of course but my birthday was the day before and she knew we had been trying for 3yrs and had surgery to try and fix the issue. Luckily she’s super obvious so I guessed or I would have really struggled to show my joy for them at the party. Sending OP sticky baby dust I hope you expand your family soon in whichever way works best for you xx

Then why couldn't she have said so?

She shouldn’t have done that. I’d step back another bit. She is not the type of friend you need right now.

She forgot it was your birthday. She texted you later on that she had forgotten.

I don't remember any of my colleagues birthdays.

I think she was excited and eager to share.

Holy. Fucking. Shit.

I'm so sorry for the loss of your beautiful boy. Much love to you.

Sorry i agree with this, if you think all the posters calling her evil, a bitch, malicious, self centered are right, why on earth do you have anything to do with her at all?

That’s awful and so thoughtless. I have a close colleague who I know is going through similar struggles and I’m absolutely dreading telling her I’m pregnant as I would hate to do anything to inadvertently cause her pain. Telling her on her birthday, knowing she’d had a recent loss is unimaginable!

How would you have preferred her to tell you?

She may have thought she was doing the kindest thing by telling you by text rather than face to face and by telling you at the same time as everyone else rather than you finding out from someone else.

Talk to her about it when you next see her otherwise resentment may build (on both sides potentially!)

I wouldn't want someone to point it out to me that they were treating me the same as everyone else, because that just rubs it in that I wasn't the same as everyone else, I'd prefer to just be treated the same.

Yanbu. On the day before, or day of, I can’t remember, I had a friend wish me luck with starting our IVF and to say she was pregnant. People can be so thoughtless. I wonder if it’s the privilege of never having experienced infertility.

Everyone is different, I would absolutely hate an email like this. It would make me feel different and singled out. I'd rather just be told the same as everyone else (in a text, not face to face though).

Ivf veteran here.
No she was a tw@t
sometimes I just think seriously ... fuck the fertiles

I found out I was pregnant 6 weeks before my sisters wedding and made my husband promise that we’d say nothing till my sister was back from her honeymoon. It was my mum’s first grandchild and it would have completely overshadowed the wedding. I think your friend was a tad insensitive especially on your birthday but not everyone thinks before they speak (text)

She's really self absorbed, I wouldn't have done that

I think this is appalling. Thoughtlessness is a horrible quality.

You needed a break, she knew that and her announcement was so selfish - when you’re going through fertility issues an announcement affects you so much, and she should know that.

I think you are being wonderfully understanding.

She could have waited 2 days.

I’m sorry 😞 my first round of IVF failed in June and I’m broken, I can’t imagine doing 5. I hope things turn around for you soon.

I’ve had three good friends fall pregnant in the time I’ve been trying and all three told me in different ways, some more sensitive than others, and all of them hurt equally. I wish she had waited until it wasn’t your birthday, but there’s no way of telling you that removes the pain.

Let yourself be jealous/angry/upset if you need to because those are valid ways to feel. I didn’t go to a baby shower for my first friend because I just couldn’t having just been informed I’d need IVF. She was 100% understanding. A real friend will get how you feel.

I stopped making excuses for people who knew how much pain and hurt I went through during my miscarriages but still were insensitive and said things to me knowing how much I was going through.

She knew you were going away for a break to take your mind off IVF failure and your birthday. She wasn’t excited and just found out she was pregnant and needed someone to talk to, this was her 12 weeks scan. She could of waited until the day after to phone you and share her news better.

It is fine to feel happy for her but sad for you. It’s fine to take a step back too, because it sounds like she won’t be very sensitive to your feelings when it comes to her pregnancy.

I’m really sorry. My sister went through this and I wouldn’t dream of doing something like that.

Can I just add that they tried for 10 years, had 3 transfers that all resulted in chemical pregnancies. They gave up on IVF and started looking into adoption and fell pregnant naturally with their now 4 month old daughter. It really was a miracle, my sister is 42 🌷 I don’t know if hearing stories like that helps or doesn’t help but I’m putting the positive feelings out there for you ✨ hope you had a lovely birthday x

No, this would have hurt me terribly. It took me and my OH 11 years to conceive our DD naturally at 44, and my best friend had been single all this time and was desperate for her own family, and I knew me telling her would really hurt, I kept putting it off until I could actually be with her and let her know and try to make her a part of it all.
But sadly after me telling her she pulled away completely, just cut me out of her life, and that hurt so much, but I knew the pain she was going through and had to sadly accept it.
What your friend did was terribly ill timed and I am sorry.

She was totally unkind and I don’t believe she forgot your birthday. I would have had to have a real think about telling a friend on ivf that I was pregnant. The pregnancy brain comment would tube the end of the friendship for me.

Ah noooo you did it face to face! Noooo