To think she could have chosen a different day to tell me she is pregnant?

[Butterbeansontoast]

I have a friend/work colleague who I used to be quite close to. We would meet regularly outside work and support us through some difficult times. These days I would class her more as good work colleagues but we occasionally still meet up and chat outside work.

My DH and I have been going through IVF and are just recovering from our 5th failed transfer that resulted in a chemical pregnancy. She knows about our fertility struggles. It was my birthday yesterday and DH had organised a little trip away which is a rare treat due to the financial burden of IVF. She knew how excited I was about it and how I felt I needed the break to get away from it all.

She choose the day of the trip to text me excitedly that she is pregnant. I opened the message thinking it was a happy birthday message. I am of course really happy for her but found it so difficult to put my head into my day and enjoy it carefree as my thoughts kept wandering to her announcement. She then texted later in the day with ‘oh happy birthday btw, pregnancy brain already kicking in’.

I am more than prepared to be told AIBU (and I know I am) as she can of course announce whenever she feels like it but part of me wishes she would have waited just one day especially as she knew how important it was for me.

Unbelievably callous OP. I’ e been where you are and it hurts so much when people are insensitive like this. Hope you are enjoying your trip. 💐

Also hope you have good news soon.

I’m pretty robust about things like this and seeing as this woman knows what you’re going through, she’s a selfish twat. Truly.

She announced to you that she is sexually active lol

I don’t understand what the big deal is about announcing pregnancies. Babies are born literally every day

As in you don’t understand why people bother announcing, or you don’t understand why someone who is desperate to be a mother and who has endured five failed rounds of IVF and who is on a rare treat away for her birthday might be upset by her friend inserting her pregnancy announcement into her head…?

Yes, but that's not how you say it. You send an email saying "I know after your struggles with IVF that the news I've got to give you might be difficult for you, so I wanted to send an email so you could digest it privately." Then saying you're pregnant, and that you hope that friend will get pregnant soon, and asking how much baby news friend can handle.

I had an email like that and it made me feel so loved. I had a very bad afternoon of crying and feeling angry, and then I got over it, sent her an email saying how happy I was for her and then I was happy for her. But her email acknowledged how hard the news might be for me, which was crucial.

Just announcing it - and ON HER BIRTHDAY??? - needlessly cruel. She could have sent it the day before or after.

YANBU, that was thoughtless on her part and the ‘pregnancy brain’ comment was really rubbing salt into the wound.

I’m so sorry about your losses ♥️

Sorry OP but I can’t see any excuse for her behaviour. She’s no friend.
I’d hope she reflects on what she’s said over the next few days and apologises. If not I’d be distancing myself.
So sorry you’re having a tough time 💐

On your birthday? When you were away on a special trip because the most recent round of IVF had not worked??

I think the posters on here saying that she is merely being thoughtless are being very generous.

The first one

I ended a friendship over something similar once. Was in the midst of a dreadful miscarriage at 12 weeks after IVF.

Reached out to two close friends and one replied with zero empathy at all, along the lines of 'nice to hear from you, couldn't wait to let you know, I'm 18 weeks pregnant...'

Selfish and thoughtless. You don't need people like that in your life.

I think I would have had to leave the table. Unimaginably painful

If you know someone has fertility problems, you do not send them excited texts announcing your pregnancy. It really is not that difficult.

Tell me you've never struggled with fertility, without telling me etc.

@ByLoudSeal seen your latest - ignore me

I genuinely think that people who don't suffer from any issues getting pregnant just don't understand the full depth of feeling that it invokes. In their mind - you talk about pregnancy so you be delighted that they are pregnant. In your mind, they may as well have cheerily told you they've murdered your mother.
The jealously, the grief, the anger that promises of "when you have kids" has been broken, and then wrapping that up in a ball of hormones and expenditure and obsession- it's enough for the strongest of people to curl into a ball and just cry. You aren't being unreasonable, but she's also just in a different plane of thought. I'd ask if she'd refrain from complaining about pregnancy though as it's hard for you to deal with.
Good luck. A chemical pregnancy is still a big deal.
For what it's worth, an endometrial scratch worked well for me before ivf, as did both of us losing a stone (not that I was overweight), which resulted in a non ivf pregnancy after trying for 10 years.

I don't know @Sparklybanana , I conceived easily each time but was still not a dick to the friends and relatives who were struggling.

I suspect this is more of a selfish bitch thing than a fertile person thing.

I think that's very thoughtless of her actually
No doubt she was excited but she should've been mindful of your struggles especially as you were friends outside work.
I'm sorry it's been so tough for you and I hope you manage to enjoy your birthday trip

my childrens step mum, for goodness knows what reason, decided the day they buried her husband, their dad was the day to tell the family she was in another relationship?

i don't think its out of malice (ill keep my thoughts about her to myself), sometimes people are so wrapped up in their own worlds that they forget that other people have a lot going on.

i'm so sorry.. and i'm sure she has not really realised what she has done. i hope you can still enjoy your break away x

No YANBU, at best she is thoughtless, at worst completely callous and narcissistic.

I would honestly resist the temptation to forgive her instantly and create a bit of space. If she asks what’s wrong, tell her (nicely). If she’s a decent person she would want to know. If not, and she reacts badly, you now know where you stand.

Good luck with the IVF and really hope it works out for you.

OP, something really similar happened to me. We had friends that I thought were good ones,
who did the same on my birthday (I was already struggling due to some family stuff, which they also knew)

it totally ruined my relationship with them.

Take care of yourself and your heart however you need to

YANBU. The first message was stupidly thoughtless but to then follow up that up with the ‘baby brain’ one which was still all about her is spectacularly insensitive. If she’s using that as an excuse this early, I’d just be wary that her entire pregnancy might involve her being one of the ‘first person in the whole world to have a baby’ types. It may get pretty difficult to listen to it all.

YANBU - really awful of her to do that. Hope you are ok

I can’t believe anyone could see it as anything g other than self centred and cruel.

Of course pregnancies are going to be difficult for those struggling, but on your birthday, during your trip away is just totally unnecessary.

I’d distance myself - she’s no friend.