To think she could have chosen a different day to tell me she is pregnant?

[Butterbeansontoast]

I have a friend/work colleague who I used to be quite close to. We would meet regularly outside work and support us through some difficult times. These days I would class her more as good work colleagues but we occasionally still meet up and chat outside work.

My DH and I have been going through IVF and are just recovering from our 5th failed transfer that resulted in a chemical pregnancy. She knows about our fertility struggles. It was my birthday yesterday and DH had organised a little trip away which is a rare treat due to the financial burden of IVF. She knew how excited I was about it and how I felt I needed the break to get away from it all.

She choose the day of the trip to text me excitedly that she is pregnant. I opened the message thinking it was a happy birthday message. I am of course really happy for her but found it so difficult to put my head into my day and enjoy it carefree as my thoughts kept wandering to her announcement. She then texted later in the day with ‘oh happy birthday btw, pregnancy brain already kicking in’.

I am more than prepared to be told AIBU (and I know I am) as she can of course announce whenever she feels like it but part of me wishes she would have waited just one day especially as she knew how important it was for me.

That’s really self absorbed. I’d leave her to it for a while (a very long while!)

My "friend" told me she was 24w pregnant as a response to a post announcing the birth/death of my darling baby boy (born at 22w).

I don't think I'll ever understand her choice to do that. We don't speak now.

Yanbu, OP. At best she's thoughtless and selfish. And worst she's cruel. Distance yourself and protect your head and heart.

Oh how cruel of her; that’s horrific behaviour. I can understand that you are not speaking. I am so sorry for your loss, @OhOurBilly.

I didn’t expect so many messages. Thank you everyone. I had a lovely day with DH, just back. We had really too chats, fun, good food and drink, and we are keen get going with our next FET as soon as possible.

I’ll be busy in the office tomorrow catching up with my cases but will certainly keep my distance a little and see how she reacts.

That is so thoughtless, she's not a friend. I'm so sorry.

It’s definitely insensitive definitely.

Definitely this.

Sorry but I don’t think she’s a true friend at all and I believe she did it on purpose to rub it in. Some people are awful.

Glad you had a good day. I am crossing everything for you.

She is a bitch!!!

YANBU. She was thoughtless. They've probably chosen today to tell people so you found out at the same time as other people. I can only remember how much I was bursting to tell people after my 12 week scan so I will give her the benefit of the doubt and say she was thoughtless. Her subsequent message isn't great.

With kindness, your ivf struggles really only impact the two of you as her pregnancy will only impact them.

She can not see outside it as I am sure at times you will be the same, it's crap and people should be more thoughtful but they aren't.

It's hard because her pregnancy won't affect your fertility but that can't help the way you feel. Thoughtless but honestly it's not a big friendship issue if I were you

@hendoop I agree with you, hence why I made the post in the first place as I didn’t know whether I was ‘right’ to feel as I did. Her situation certainly doesn’t affect mine and vice versa. I need to become better at putting my head into my own life and make this the priority. It’s difficult though and feelings of envy or jealousy are quick to surface in those situations, and so is the feeling of wanting everyone to have empathy. Thank you for your input.

Nah, telling your friend who's had multiple failed IVF cycles that you're pregnant on the day she's going away to recover from another failed cycle is breathtakingly heartless. If it affects the friendship that's not on OP.

I was just trying to communicate (probably badly) that the joy and excitement your friend feels has impacted her and made her as irrational in a happy thoughtless way.

Just the same as if someone is going through a really rough time conceiving and may be very sensitive and upset at their friends news.

It's just when some people get pregnant and have a baby they get so irrational about the importance of this they loose awareness of others? Does that make sense? I would not judge it as her true feelings or rational self if you see what I mean

It's just when some people get pregnant and have a baby they get so irrational about the importance of this they loose awareness of others? Does that make sense? I would not judge it as her true feelings or rational self if you see what I mean

Pregnant women do not forget how to consider others as well. It’s self-centred to completely ‘forget’ your friend has struggled with fertility and pregnancy loss and rub your excitement in her face.

I’ve been pregnant 3 times, once after a tough year TTC and feeling awful about others sharing their pregnancy news. I was aware every time that the news was only important/exciting/all encompassing to me and DH and I was able to still be a good friend.

she knew your struggles and she knew it your trip for your birthday to forget everything for a night. Nope I’d say she planned it . Sorry but she isn’t a friend. Any other friend would have not taken your day from you.

Sorry you are having difficulties but I think you are being a bit U. I doubt your friend remembered you were going away or thought that her news would ruin your trip. She was just telling you because you are her friend. If she delayed telling you, you probably would be upset by that too.

YANBU OP, that is no friend.

I would never forgive a friend if they did that to me. Luckily my friends have been so sensitive to my failed IVF. When one was pregnant she messaged and said along the lines 'I have some news to tell you, you can probably guess what it is and I know it might upset you because of everything you are going through. I can give you a call or put it in a message if you prefer. I love you so much and I'm always here for you'.

I appreciated her sensitivity so much that it's reminded me to treasure our friendship forever. It truly meant the world to me that she was so sensitive to what I was going through.

We spoke about it the day before and she would have seen I wasn’t in the office on the day, which would have made her remember in all likelihood.

It gets worse. This makes what she did sound calculated to upset you. I'm so angry on your behalf.

When we were going through it would have been so pissed off. I absolutely get it.

I think if she’s said “omg I am so sorry” or something a long those lines as soon as she realised the day I would be more forgiving - but the fact that she was so flippant about it when she realised. Eye roll worthy. I would have given her the “leave on read” treatment for a bit but I’m petty like that

sending lots of love OP xxx (and have a great birthday weekend)

Yes, very tactless. Reminds me of someone I knew who bragged that their grandchild could say "hippopotamus" - the person was bragging to someone whose child was deaf and would never be able to speak.

I’ve been in your shoes so I completely get it. I don’t think people can really comprehend the raw grief that comes along with fertility issues. You are not being unreasonable in the slightest. Unless she’s been in your shoes I doubt she realised the punch to the gut a pregnancy announcement can be. They still sting for me 6 years later and I’m a mama through adoption to a wonderful DD. Sending you a hug and I hope you had a lovely birthday despite this. It’s okay to be happy for her and sad for yourself. Even if you’re not happy for her and are green with envy that’s okay too. xx