To think she could have chosen a different day to tell me she is pregnant?

[Butterbeansontoast]

I have a friend/work colleague who I used to be quite close to. We would meet regularly outside work and support us through some difficult times. These days I would class her more as good work colleagues but we occasionally still meet up and chat outside work.

My DH and I have been going through IVF and are just recovering from our 5th failed transfer that resulted in a chemical pregnancy. She knows about our fertility struggles. It was my birthday yesterday and DH had organised a little trip away which is a rare treat due to the financial burden of IVF. She knew how excited I was about it and how I felt I needed the break to get away from it all.

She choose the day of the trip to text me excitedly that she is pregnant. I opened the message thinking it was a happy birthday message. I am of course really happy for her but found it so difficult to put my head into my day and enjoy it carefree as my thoughts kept wandering to her announcement. She then texted later in the day with ‘oh happy birthday btw, pregnancy brain already kicking in’.

I am more than prepared to be told AIBU (and I know I am) as she can of course announce whenever she feels like it but part of me wishes she would have waited just one day especially as she knew how important it was for me.

I wonder if she posted the same message to a bunch of people in WhatsApp or whatever you were using. One of those where you just click the names of everyone you want to send the message to, so there was less thought into that. She then realised later than she had sent that on your bday and out of trying to excuse herself for not saying happy birthday, she came up with the pregnancy brain thing, which actually made it worse. Probably realised too late.

Yeah that was never going to be a good idea 😂

It was definitely personalised to me.

Well, I think she might just be one of those people who will make ‘being pregnant’ their personality. Lots of comments about it in the office, about how she had to change her lunch as she’s pregnant, how she finds it uncomfortable to sit as she’s pregnant, how she doesn’t want to commit to a project lead as she’s pregnant etc. Lots of eye rolling from everyone as she can’t currently say a sentence without dropping in her pregnancy. I said something about an activity I did on my trip and she said that she couldn’t have done that as she’s pregnant. I just laughed at this point and thought ‘well thats exactly why DH had choosen it for us - we could do it as we are childless at the moment and really enjoyed ourselves’.

She might just be really excited, and that’s obviously fine, but I hope she calms down a bit for all our sakes as it will just get really annoying, fertility issues yes or no. Even the colleagues with children think it’s a bit much.

My god she sounds insufferable. Honestly.

I’d ghost get for that ngl

I’ve been both of you; struggled through IVF at the same time as BFF (both of us having successes and failures and then natural conceptions). She is incredibly thoughtless and self centred. Her ‘baby brain’ comment is a thoroughly mean thing to say. Distance yourself, she’s no friend.

*her

OP you are definitely NOT being unreasonable!! What a tone deaf and shitty shitty friend. I would be giving her a wide berth.

(Also, I once read something about infertility/ pregnancy loss that I wish I had saved, but it was written by a psychotherapist and challenges this trope that you have to be “happy” for other people when they share their news. Why?
Let them be happy for themselves, and let you yourself acknowledge your own feelings: the grief, the sadness, the sense of unfairness. This doesn’t make you a bad person, it makes you a normal human. Your feelings matter and are valid).

Happy birthday to you 🌟

She wouldn’t have been able to win here, being as this is such a sensitive subject between you.

If she had her 12 week scan and told everyone whilst you was away on your weekend and not you, surly that would have been hurtful too. She was in a no win situation. It’s never a good time to tell someone you’re pregnant when you know their struggle with it is real.

The world can be cruel sometimes. I’m sorry you are having problems with this.

Going slightly against the grain here, but I feel bad for her too. If you reverse it and put yourself in her shoes, she’s super excited - it’s a big life event. And her big life events don’t stop because you’re having a hard time.

I say this as someone who is usually getting the bad luck as well, but I think at worst it’s probably slight thoughtlessness - but I also genuinely don’t think it’s that bad. It sort of reminds me of all the times something has hit close to home for me personally, but then I realise that’s just it - it’s for me personally. And I’m glad other people are living their lives and have good things happen to them.

Most people think less about us far less than we, as individuals, think they think about us.

Well she can't blame it on pregnancy brain. She's just bloody thoughtless naturally. Hope she didn't ruin your birthday. She's no friend!

It's a hard one, I lost 4 babies and throughout that time had lots of people announcing pregnancy, people close to me, as much as it hurt I learnt for my own peace of mind to let that go as it's not their fault my babies couldn't stay and if I ever for my rainbow I'd shout it from the rooftops

Who are you talking about here? If it's another colleague I'd have fought the urge to say "oh you're pregnant are you? I had no idea!" 🤣

You are definitely not BU. You're absolutely within your right to feel upset. As she knows your fertility struggles she should have been gentle in breaking the news and thought about how/when she done it. I hope you managed to put this aside and enjoy your birthday and trip.

Going slightly against the grain here, but I feel bad for her too. If you reverse it and put yourself in her shoes, she’s super excited - it’s a big life event. And her big life events don’t stop because you’re having a hard time.

Doesn’t this go both ways though? Shouldn’t she be able to put herself in OP’s shoes? Or is being pregnant a free pass to not have to consider other people’s feelings at all?

Thoughtless oversight of your friend OP. As others have said, she got caught up in excitement of it all. I totally understand that you are upset. Wishing you well

It's the 2nd message that really made this worse, the 1st was thoughtless, but she is clearly excited to tell people. We've all done some thing we instantly think "oh shit I shouldn't have done that" but even after time to think about it it still didn't dawn on her 😬 I hope you got to enjoy your birthday dispite this and I wish you all the luck with IVF

Oh ouch, that’s hurtful. YANBU. When I was struggling to get pregnant, my friends obviously knew about it and one text me on DH and I’s wedding anniversary while we were away on special weekend trip with a scan photo 🙃 she’s otherwise absolutely lovely and I guess just very excited so I did let it go, but fuck me, it hurt so much.
I really am sorry for your troubles. It’s so hard.

I agree. Pregnancy brain is not an excuse to be completely thick

I was very very thoughtless and insensitive like this for years through my first 2 easy / care free pregnancies. I wouldn't have thought about other peoples struggles / or I wouldn't have "got it". It was only when I went through a pregnancy loss that I realised how stupid and thoughtless I had been, I think it's hard for people to comprehend how much of a sensitive area pregnancy / fertility is when they are in a privileged position. I'm sorry on her behalf.

Hi @Butterbeansontoast

I see both sides. My 2020 baby was an IVF baby and I hated other people being pregnant. I would become so jealous and hated feel like I did. My cousin and I got pregnant at the same time bit sadly she had a miscarriage before the first scan.

When I had my first scan I couldn't wait to tell the world and sent a really jolly message to everyone including her. I just didn't think! Now I've got a bit older I've realised how insensitive of me it was.

I feel your pain though. It's so hard work failure after failure when you so desperately want a baby.

Wishing you loads of baby luck x

I put so much thought into how to tell a colleague I was pregnant. As her manager I was one of few people who knew she had recently miscarried and I wanted to make sure she knew, from me, before anyone else did. YANBU to think you deserved more consideration.

Cnt. That's thoughtless shit and I'm so sorry she did this to you. I hope you can still enjoy your weekend. I've been in a similar place with a miscarriage rather than ivf and it just hurts. It's a strange feeling though, you can be happy for her and sad for yourself at the same time. Sending hugs 💐

YANBU to be upset. By comparison, when going through the horrors of infertility I was meeting some friends for dinner and one pal offered me a lift, she was passing nearby anyhow. After a lovely evening on the way back to the car she told me her news. I figured out then she had already told the others and didn't want them to talk about it in front of me. I admit I was annoyed that they had been discussing my infertility behind my back but I then realised it was such a thoughtful thing to do. She sacrificed a night of talking about her life to help me save face and have a fun night. It was her second baby so not as life changing obviously, but still...

Good luck to you OP. Its a tough road.