To think she could have chosen a different day to tell me she is pregnant?

[Butterbeansontoast]

I have a friend/work colleague who I used to be quite close to. We would meet regularly outside work and support us through some difficult times. These days I would class her more as good work colleagues but we occasionally still meet up and chat outside work.

My DH and I have been going through IVF and are just recovering from our 5th failed transfer that resulted in a chemical pregnancy. She knows about our fertility struggles. It was my birthday yesterday and DH had organised a little trip away which is a rare treat due to the financial burden of IVF. She knew how excited I was about it and how I felt I needed the break to get away from it all.

She choose the day of the trip to text me excitedly that she is pregnant. I opened the message thinking it was a happy birthday message. I am of course really happy for her but found it so difficult to put my head into my day and enjoy it carefree as my thoughts kept wandering to her announcement. She then texted later in the day with ‘oh happy birthday btw, pregnancy brain already kicking in’.

I am more than prepared to be told AIBU (and I know I am) as she can of course announce whenever she feels like it but part of me wishes she would have waited just one day especially as she knew how important it was for me.

YANBU. Not classy.

Thoughtless at best.

I'm sorry things have been so hard for you.

That’s super insensitive of her. I was very careful about how I told my friends with fertility struggles and never offered any extra pregnancy chat unless specifically asked.

She was incredibly thoughtless and insensitive, hopefully not malicious. Some people are so emotionally unintelligent it beggars belief. I think you need to brace yourself a little here OP, this is a sign of things to come.
I hope you are having a lovely trip away 💐

OP. if you read 'People of the Lie' by M Scott Peck it will explain the type of person you are dealing with here. It's exactly the kind of thing these people do, because it spoils things for people and messes with their heads, whilst still containing deniability of the intention to hurt.

Few people understand how psychopaths work, so they are explaining this away as thougtlessness/ 'doing their best'. It's actually calculated and cruel. If someone did this to me, I'd be cutting them off.

No-one 'forgets' that a friend/colleague has struggles with infertility, so it was insensitive anyway. but to choose your birthday getaway as a time to announce it? Yeah, far more going on here than just being thoughtless.

Yes she was insensitive and a bit selfish and thoughtless. Bit too full of herself I'd say. Don't bother with her too much for the foreseeable future.

I'm so sorry for your recent loss infertility fucking sucks. I think it's the second message that would wind me up even more than the first. It comes across as gloating. Be prepared for her to draw attention to the pregnancy non stop from now on . Pregnancy brain my arse.

I don't completely know if the 'friend' was being deliberately cruel, spiteful, or even thoughtless, but it can be awfully disconcerting to realise that someone in your life has a big blank empty space in their being where you thought consideration for your feelings was. Maybe made worse by preggo brain, but whatever. Bye-bye or slow fade is what I do.

She's no friend of yours. What a cow.

I agree,it sounds like more than just thoughtlessness and quite callous.

Do you think she behaves like this as you pulled back although this isn't to excuse her.

I would avoid her from now on and hope you didn't respond to the pathetic second message.

No, that wasn't fair. I'm sorry for your struggles

What a bitch.

Have a lovely birthday weekend OP, your DH sounds lovely.

That was incredibly thoughtless and insensitive of her (especially with the later birthday message) and I'd have probably told her that.
So sorry for your struggles

Thanks everyone. She definitely knew it was my birthday and that I’d be away as we chatted about it in the office the day before. Nothing in depth just friendly office chat.

Right, I’m going to be off out now and enjoy my day.

I think it was very thoughtless and inconsiderate of her. Maybe she was excited or maybe she felt uncomfortable or worried to tell you and thought she'd drop it on a happy day. After year of fertility issues and treatments ( it took me 7 years to have my first) I'm not surprised by the thoughtless, callous and downright wanker things say and do.

She’s an arse in my opinion. Even before my miscarriages with my first pregnancy I texted people before the news got out and said they didn’t have to respond so they could process privately. I never would have done it on a friends birthday.

That was totally thoughtless of her. She could have waited until after your birthday. I'm really sorry you're going through this op. Perhaps spend less time interacting with her. Be nice but make yourself too busy to see her. Distraction is a great tool.

Dreadfully thoughtless and the second text makes it much worse.

I hope she apologises.

I'd be careful from now on, how much you invest in this friendship.

Usually these are a bit dubious, but I completely agree here YANBU.

YANBU op, it was very thoughtless of her. Not sure what she was thinking with the second message too!

I really hope you get success in your IVF journey soon 💗

It's the "pregnancy brain, oops hehe" bit that would really stick in my craw. It's just so effing smug.

I'm really sorry, OP. YANBU.

It was very insensitive especially on your birthday.

Happy Birthday, OP. Sorry about the failed IVF

Your "friend" was an insensitive oaf. And because i am direct about things, at some point i'd be telling her that. You may have a different approach.

I’m sorry, that was extremely unkind. It could have waited a day or two. I don’t think it was just thoughtless, I think it was quite spiteful. I’d be reconsidering my friendship, to be honest.

Despite this, I hope you’ve been spoilt on your birthday and enjoyed your break away.

I’m actually more inclined to agree with this post since your most recent update. What a horrible woman she is!