Page 8 | To think she could have chosen a different day to tell me she is pregnant?

Butterbeansontoast · 2024-07-17T05:59:20+00:00

I have a friend/work colleague who I used to be quite close to. We would meet regularly outside work and support us through some difficult times. These days I would class her more as good work colleagues but we occasionally still meet up and chat outside work. My DH and I have been going through IVF and are just recovering from our 5th failed transfer that resulted in a chemical pregnancy. She knows about our fertility struggles. It was my birthday yesterday and DH had organised a little trip away which is a rare treat due to the financial burden of IVF. She knew how excited I was about it and how I felt I needed the break to get away from it all. She choose the day of the trip to text me excitedly that she is pregnant. I opened the message thinking it was a happy birthday message. I am of course really happy for her but found it so difficult to put my head into my day and enjoy it carefree as my thoughts kept wandering to her announcement. She then texted later in the day with ‘oh happy birthday btw, pregnancy brain already kicking in’. I am more than prepared to be told AIBU (and I know I am) as she can of course announce whenever she feels like it but part of me wishes she would have waited just one day especially as she knew how important it was for me.

Every1sanXpert · 20/07/2024 14:54

oh gosh I can see why u felt hurt. Yes it was thoughtless to tell you when she knew it was ur birthday and knew of ur ivf struggles. She could have Waited a day or two. When I had my baby I was so careful about announcing it to my friend who had lost her baby a couple of weeks before. I made sure I told her before announcing it online so she could process it. Good luck in ur ivf journey

AmIEnough · 20/07/2024 16:08

She’s been very thoughtless! I really feel for you and your husband. Sending you big hugs

Original poster

Butterbeansontoast · 20/07/2024 16:08

Thanks everyone. I can definitely see both sides and fully understand that it would have stung a little no matter when she would have to told. Give my though she was well aware of how important that day was for me, I would have wished she had waited. This said, it just happened to be her 12 week scan day which of course was really important to her.

OP posts:

Every1sanXpert · 20/07/2024 16:21

Butterbeansontoast · 20/07/2024 16:08

Thanks everyone. I can definitely see both sides and fully understand that it would have stung a little no matter when she would have to told. Give my though she was well aware of how important that day was for me, I would have wished she had waited. This said, it just happened to be her 12 week scan day which of course was really important to her.

You are being very gracious! More so than I would be yes it was her scan and an exciting day for her but waiting a day or two to tell u wudnt have minimised HER excitement but it ruined your weekend and she should have known that

Tandora · 20/07/2024 18:55

Every1sanXpert · 20/07/2024 16:21

You are being very gracious! More so than I would be yes it was her scan and an exciting day for her but waiting a day or two to tell u wudnt have minimised HER excitement but it ruined your weekend and she should have known that

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Exactly.

EnglishBluebell · 20/07/2024 19:03

I can see both sides I'm afraid. I'm sorry for what you've been through OP, I really am. But it wouldn't occur to most people that you going on a trip out somewhere with your boyfriend would be such an inappropriate day to share their news. In fact I'd probably have thought that as you would likely be happy & relaxed, that it would be one of the better days to tell you. Perhaps not in the middle of the day whilst you're actually out, I wouldn't interrupt anyone's day out with my stuff unless an emergency. But later that day perhaps?

The fact is she does need to tell you at some stage, obviously, and there's no 'perfect' moment to tell a friend who's dealing with infertility that you're pregnant.

Tandora · 20/07/2024 19:23

EnglishBluebell · 20/07/2024 19:03

I can see both sides I'm afraid. I'm sorry for what you've been through OP, I really am. But it wouldn't occur to most people that you going on a trip out somewhere with your boyfriend would be such an inappropriate day to share their news. In fact I'd probably have thought that as you would likely be happy & relaxed, that it would be one of the better days to tell you. Perhaps not in the middle of the day whilst you're actually out, I wouldn't interrupt anyone's day out with my stuff unless an emergency. But later that day perhaps?

The fact is she does need to tell you at some stage, obviously, and there's no 'perfect' moment to tell a friend who's dealing with infertility that you're pregnant.

It wouldn’t occur to you to tell a friend who’s struggling with infertility , who just had a 5th round of failed IVF and a chemical pregnancy, that you’re pregnant on her birthday?!! Thats pretty abnormally obtuse I’m afraid… most people these days understand the profound sensitivity around these things, especially if they have friends who are dealing with infertility and losses..
Yes, she had to tell her in some way at some point : excitedly announcing the very day of her 12 week scan on her friends bday (then blaming “pregnancy brain” for forgetting to even wish her a happy birthday) was not it!!

Eastie77Returns · 20/07/2024 19:39

Some people just don’t think and/or simply lack empathy. I’m in a friendship group with 3 other women, one of whom has struggled with infertility for years. We went out one evening and she tearfully told us that after several failed rounds of IVF she had decided to stop trying as it was all too much for her and DH. They were completely broken.

A few days later one of our friends in the group posted a picture of a baby scan and excitedly announced her pregnancy in our online chat. When I spoke to her about it being a bit insensitive she was baffled. She said she thought it would make our struggling friend happy to know that a baby was on the way that she could “could be an auntie to”.

KimberleyClark · 20/07/2024 23:20

A few days later one of our friends in the group posted a picture of a baby scan and excitedly announced her pregnancy in our online chat. When I spoke to her about it being a bit insensitive she was baffled. She said she thought it would make our struggling friend happy to know that a baby was on the way that she could “could be an auntie to”.

Honestly, how self absorbed do you have to be to think like this.

Itsjustmeheretoday · 20/07/2024 23:22

Some people are really inconsiderate and don't even realise it unfortunately 😒

Lampshadeblue · 21/07/2024 01:10

Nope not being unreasonable, she sounds really selfish and too wrapped up in herself to spare a thought for your feelings. I would back away from her.

CatMum79 · 21/07/2024 11:03

Oh I'm so sorry to hear that OP. I've been through similar, and sadly lost a few friends along the way...
Some friendships have been stronger (those who have been mindful of how their news would impact me, so have chosen the best time they could to tell me!) Whilst it's broken other friendships (one in particular who is so self absorbed in her amazing journey that she announced how amazing her body was to have grown her daughter to me, 10 mins after I'd told her I'd had another failed round....)

Sending you the hugest of hugs, glad your husband has pulled out the stops. Well done him!
Xxx

Eleganz · 21/07/2024 11:31

I'm clearly going against the grain here, but when you are in the middle of something difficult and big in your life it is hard to accept that this is simply not as big and important to other people. I'm going to say that I believe you would still have been upset if she had announced it a couple of days later or any other time. The exact moment she chose feels somewhat irrelevant given what you are going through. You are certainly not unreasonable to find this difficult and painful given your situation. You would be unreasonable to attribute this to malice and attach too much significance to the timing given your friend is unlikely to be a mind reader and therefore know exactly what your thoughts are about your trip, etc.

KimberleyClark · 21/07/2024 12:13

I'm clearly going against the grain here, but when you are in the middle of something difficult and big in your life it is hard to accept that this is simply not as big and important to other people.

The same goes for pregnancy, not being as important to other people as it is to the pregnant woman.

I'm going to say that I believe you would still have been upset if she had announced it a couple of days later or any other time. The exact moment she chose feels somewhat irrelevant given what you are going through. You are certainly not unreasonable to find this difficult and painful given your situation. you would be unreasonable to attribute this to malice and attach too much significance to the timing given your friend is unlikely to be a mind reader and therefore know exactly what your thoughts are about your trip, etc.

The friend did know exactly why Op was having this trip. OP had told her . To do something nice after multiple IVF failures and chemical pregnancy. And anyone with the smallest bit of empathy would not need to be a mind reader to know how her message would come across. Especially blaming baby brain for forgetting to wish her happy birthday.

It seems like pregnant women are given a lot more leeway than those struggling with infertility - I’ve seen them called/described as shit friends on here when they are unable to express the right amount of joy and happiness at other people’s pregnancies.

CatMum79 · 21/07/2024 16:48

Eleganz · 21/07/2024 11:31

I'm clearly going against the grain here, but when you are in the middle of something difficult and big in your life it is hard to accept that this is simply not as big and important to other people. I'm going to say that I believe you would still have been upset if she had announced it a couple of days later or any other time. The exact moment she chose feels somewhat irrelevant given what you are going through. You are certainly not unreasonable to find this difficult and painful given your situation. You would be unreasonable to attribute this to malice and attach too much significance to the timing given your friend is unlikely to be a mind reader and therefore know exactly what your thoughts are about your trip, etc.

I'm sorry, but you're wrong. As someone who has gone through infertility and is now accepting a life without children, I've had friends who have been sensitive in telling me their good news, and those who seem oblivious to the pain (as well as happiness for them) this news causes. You're right that the news would always hurt, but breaking the news to her, on her birthday weekend was incredibly thoughtless. Yes it would always hurt to hear the news, so spare the pain on what should be a happy weekend

CelesteCunningham · 21/07/2024 16:54

Eleganz · 21/07/2024 11:31

I'm clearly going against the grain here, but when you are in the middle of something difficult and big in your life it is hard to accept that this is simply not as big and important to other people. I'm going to say that I believe you would still have been upset if she had announced it a couple of days later or any other time. The exact moment she chose feels somewhat irrelevant given what you are going through. You are certainly not unreasonable to find this difficult and painful given your situation. You would be unreasonable to attribute this to malice and attach too much significance to the timing given your friend is unlikely to be a mind reader and therefore know exactly what your thoughts are about your trip, etc.

The date overlap won't have been a surprise to the friend - when OP was chatting about her weekend away she'll have known her scan date and surely twigged. She should have let OP have her night away before telling her. The thing about work friends is that you know much more about their day to day plans than even closer friends you don't see more often.

How on earth did the friend not think "feck, that's the date of my scan, wonder how I should break it to her". Surely most of us who've announced a pregnancy have had someone's feelings to consider in this way? I announced one early so a relative wouldn't twig over Christmas dinner that I wasn't drinking. It's normal surely.

Original poster

Butterbeansontoast · 21/07/2024 17:08

Eleganz · 21/07/2024 11:31

I'm clearly going against the grain here, but when you are in the middle of something difficult and big in your life it is hard to accept that this is simply not as big and important to other people. I'm going to say that I believe you would still have been upset if she had announced it a couple of days later or any other time. The exact moment she chose feels somewhat irrelevant given what you are going through. You are certainly not unreasonable to find this difficult and painful given your situation. You would be unreasonable to attribute this to malice and attach too much significance to the timing given your friend is unlikely to be a mind reader and therefore know exactly what your thoughts are about your trip, etc.

@Eleganz If you read my comments you will see that I said multiple times that I don’t think there was malice behind it but that I simply wished she had chosen a different moment, not the morning of a day she knew I looking forward to to try switch off from infertility struggles and have some fun with my DH. It took a lot of mental energy to not let it overtake my thoughts constantly. I also acknowledged that of course it was an important and joyful day for her, and she wanted to share that. I just thought she would have thought for a second longer before she hit send on WhatsApp.

OP posts:

Yesiamtiredactually · 21/07/2024 17:53

Butterbeansontoast · 21/07/2024 17:08

@Eleganz If you read my comments you will see that I said multiple times that I don’t think there was malice behind it but that I simply wished she had chosen a different moment, not the morning of a day she knew I looking forward to to try switch off from infertility struggles and have some fun with my DH. It took a lot of mental energy to not let it overtake my thoughts constantly. I also acknowledged that of course it was an important and joyful day for her, and she wanted to share that. I just thought she would have thought for a second longer before she hit send on WhatsApp.

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I don’t think you’re being at all unreasonable with how you feel. It took over 5 years of trying before I fell pregnant with my son, my colleague at the time had been through multiple unsuccessful IVF attempts with his wife and I was so nervous to tell him. Not because he’s a monster or wouldn’t have been happy for us, but because I knew how it would make it impossible for him to not think about the sadness and longing that they were experiencing and that I knew he spent most of his time trying to distract himself from.

I was so worried that however I told him would feel like I was flaunting my pregnancy? And it was a really emotional conversation when I did tell him, in private and face to face.

I understand that your colleague isn’t a horrid person and wasn’t trying to upset you, to text you like that just feels horribly tone deaf and flippantly disregarding of your feelings.

Im so sorry that your journey is so tough and long, I hope that you get success soon and that you enjoy your birthday break x