Family expecting us to pay as we’re ‘high earners’

[Spotlightdeck]

DH and I are in our 30s, child-free, living in the city, earning around 100k each. A while ago, we made the mistake of using a family member (mortgage advisor) to arrange a mortgage, resulting in our salaries being shared around my family.

I’m from a small town with low average earnings and the only one in my immediate family earning this much. Since this info has come out, my family’s behaviour towards us has completely changed. At all family meals/events since, no one puts their hands in their pockets and we are expected to pay the entire bill. Snide remarks are made about how we hid the fact we’re “rolling in it”, and we’ve been guilt tripped about how we should be helping people in the family out who are struggling.

Whilst we do live comfortably, we are far from millionaires. I don’t feel that we are in the position to be supporting family financially, nor should it be expected. It’s getting to the point where spending any time with family is a nightmare as finances are almost always brought up or we’re expected to pay. AIBU in being absolutely sick of this and asking for some advice as to how we handle it?

Easy - cut every fucker off.

And report the family mortgage advisor cunt and hope that they lose their job for breaching GDPR with your income details.

Personally I would avoid anyone who saw me as a meal ticket and see if there was anyone I could report the Mortgage Advisor too for GDPR

YANBU but you shouldn't have used someone in the family for something so personal and if they acted in a professional capacity they shouldn't have shared that info (GDPR n all that)

Your mortgage arranger could be in a lot of regulatory trouble for disclosing your income ... if you chose to take it further

I’d be reporting your mortgage advisor as well - that type of information shouldn’t have been shared

You probably need to start cutting ties with a lot of your family.
I would start by avoiding family meals or any situation where you might have to pay them proceeding from there.

Sounds like a London salary. Considering the national average is about £26k, you're not rolling in it, but 6 figures is pretty rare. Your family are acting like vultures though, and I'm sorry about that.

That mortgage advisor sounds unprofessional and needs to be dealt with. Family or not that is not right

Cut them all off - and report your mortgage advisor. They shouldn't be sharing personal financial details, especially with your wider family.

This is why high earners are often cagey - people don't know our exact household income and we still get similar treatment! It's horrible your family are treating you like this, tbh it would be an easy NC for me.

Snide remarks are made about how we hid the fact we’re “rolling in it”

These people sound hideous. I know they are family but it would put me right off spending any time with them.

No advise on how to handle this but very very unprofessional of the mortgage advisor to inform family of your financial situation. I would have to bring it up with them that you presumed that information was confidential.

Absolutely fucking not. You are not in any way obliged to pay ‘because you can afford it’. Don’t let anyone take the piss out of you.

George Michael said one of the saddest things about his success was that no-one else ever paid for dinner, it was expected he would pay. Everyone wants to be valued beyond their money.

That is shocking! The mortgage advisor should be barred and license revoked for sharing your private financial information. The ‘family’ is already treating you like shit, so I’d be tempted to tell them knock it off, you’re not a free lunch ticket for the lot of them and if they persist, then dear old loose lips will have a court case filed against them for illegally sharing your private financial info.

Time to put your foot down. I wouldn’t care if they went NC with you as they sound like a toxic mess. No more free rides. The gravy train is out of service.

I do hope you have sued your mortgage advisor for breach of confidentiality, family member notwithstanding.
Is s/he that forthcoming with their other client's finances?
That's both unprofessional and disgusting

I wouldn't see them. Especially as your only value seems to be as a walking ATM.

That mortgage broker needs to learn a lesson too.

YANBU. Tell them bluntly that you will not be subsidising them.

And take cash to the restaurant so you just pay your share to the waiter and leave.

Report the mortgage advisor as that is wholly unprofessional.

Another here that thinks you should look into what you can do to take legal action against the mortgage advisor...

Irrelevant if it's a family member they should never disclose your finances to anyone.

How do you handle it? Don’t feel like you have to ‘keep the peace’ or submit to emotional blackmail in order to spare the feelings of those that have no problem treating you like this. Say no when they ask, and that it isn’t your responsibility to financially provide for X, Y, and Z. Don’t feel like you have to explain or justify yourself either - they’re the ones in the wrong here, not you.

Madness to let your family member arrange that mortgage. Madness. Whilst I agree with you that they’re fucking idiots and shouldn’t treat you any different. 200k a year with no kids (especially if you’re not in the SE) will seem loads to some people.

If my siblings knew some of our financial matters, they’d be seething with jealousy. Thats why we play everything down. We underplay everything.

Yes, this.

This is shocking that your family member breached confidentiality. Are you absolutely sure the information was shared and that they haven't assumed you are 'loaded' because of the property that you purchased?

I wouldn't be going out with them again and if I did I would be making it very clear that I wouldn't be paying for everyone else

This the mortgage adviser is massively out of line. Personally I’d just distance myself from them. My MIL is like this with me because I’m in a profession and her friend told her my profession “earn lots”. I just can’t be assed with them as she makes comments all the time about how I’m too posh for my husband… not sure why earning well means posh but that’s her logic…

This was my first thought