Family expecting us to pay as we’re ‘high earners’

[Spotlightdeck]

DH and I are in our 30s, child-free, living in the city, earning around 100k each. A while ago, we made the mistake of using a family member (mortgage advisor) to arrange a mortgage, resulting in our salaries being shared around my family.

I’m from a small town with low average earnings and the only one in my immediate family earning this much. Since this info has come out, my family’s behaviour towards us has completely changed. At all family meals/events since, no one puts their hands in their pockets and we are expected to pay the entire bill. Snide remarks are made about how we hid the fact we’re “rolling in it”, and we’ve been guilt tripped about how we should be helping people in the family out who are struggling.

Whilst we do live comfortably, we are far from millionaires. I don’t feel that we are in the position to be supporting family financially, nor should it be expected. It’s getting to the point where spending any time with family is a nightmare as finances are almost always brought up or we’re expected to pay. AIBU in being absolutely sick of this and asking for some advice as to how we handle it?

I wouldn't cut them off, but I wouldn't take the lead in organising anything that involved eating out, and not would I accept the next few invites to any large family meals.

It is very unfair of them. And it would make me feel that I was only included because they want my credit card's company and not mine.

This. ^ I am appalled by this behaviour @Spotlightdeck but sadly it is quite common. I have extended family like this, and this is why I ghosted them around a decade ago when my folks died. They were scavenging, grabby fuckers too. Some years ago, I was on a good salary in a professional job and had a 5 bed detached house (that DH and I had worked bloody hard for!) and they thought we were the 'rich' ones in the family. (And 'privileged!)

We weren't privileged or rich, we just worked hard! AND we didn't smoke 30 a day like most of them, or waste money on scratchcards, lottery tickets, 3 nights a week at the pub, expensive SKY TV packages, pricey mobile phones, and naff designer gear. Oh and we also had JOBS. Most them didn't, or they worked part time. They were always crying poverty and moaning that others had more than them, and letting other people pay for them when they went out to a pub or restaurant.

I got some money after being made redundant once - around 30 years ago - around £5,000. Not a massive amount, but still a tidy sum. Probably £10,000 in today's money.) 2 cousins and 2 aunts immediately contacted me, to say they saying the needed money for this, and that, and the other, as they had no money for it.

I said 'how are you going to pay me back if you haven't got the money to pay for said item?' They said they would pay me back at £5 a week. One aunt wanted £350. I said no. Caused a right rift that did. Apparently I didn't even earn that money and should have shared it with 'relatives.' 🙄That is just one story of many over the years, and it only stopped when I moved out of my hometown and ghosted them

Same aunts and cousins were always cadging, scamming, begging, and pleading for things off people, and rarely bought anything or paid for anything. Glad to get them out of my life I was.

@Bex5490 - at 16.44 - if YOU are happy to have greedy, scrounging, begging cheeky-fuckers in your life who try to rob you of your hard earned money, because you earn more than them - then good for you. Most of us have a higher bar when it comes to the way we are treated by people, and won't take any shit.

I would never have anyone paying for me all the time, even if they were millionaires. I have self respect, and dignity, and think it's fucking disgraceful to let someone pay all the time! (Sounds to me @Bex5490 like you may be the same sort of person as the people in the OP's extended family - and mine, as you appear to think their behaviour is OK!)

As has been said @Spotlightdeck ghost the fuckers. Cut them off. They're parasites!

I'd like to think so. But then I like to think that I'd never put her in that position.

Can I just say, this isn't normal behaviour? You don't realise someone's doing well for themselves to immediately turn into a vulture.
They need cutting off, and absolutely do follow up with whichever repercussions you can with the mortgage advisor for divulging your private financial information

There's a difference between a minor flaw or irritating personality trait and people suddenly changing how they behave around you when they learn you earn more than they thought and outright accusing you of being selfish for not paying someone else's way through life.

I'd be blunt. Remind the worst offenders that the relative who disclosed your incomes has broken the law. Explain that if they don't want you to start avoiding them, they need to stop commenting on your earnings. That's basic stuff, and if they can't manage it, I would follow through and reduce the amount of time I spent with them until they learned to mind their manners.

I think the next time there's a snide remark I would say 'if you know how much we earn it can only be because 'mortgage adviser' disclosed this to you. If this is the case we would be well within our rights to take legal action over this disclosure'.

At any event where they expect you to pay I would have cash ready and say 'that covers our share plus tip'. Any objection, mention the mortgage adviser and your right to take legal action. The threat of said family member losing their job will be enough to shut it all down.

I would tell the mortgage advisor exactly what I thought of him for discussing my salary with the family and yes, I’d also report him.

From now on, I would be unavailable for any meet ups or events involving money. Only see your family once a year or so as they sound so nasty.

What are your DH’s family like?

You need to have a word with your mortgage adviser and tell them you know what they’ve done. Tell them to say they’ve made a mistake and put that round the family. Tell them you could take it to their Ombudsman/licence provider and also ask for the commission they got paid for your business back, but for the sake of goodwill you won’t, but only if they put matters right. Ultimately you can’t prove it, tell them that too, but it doesn’t alter the fact you all know who not to trust

Thank you everyone. I should add, quite a lot has happened for us to finally get to this breaking point. The last family meal was arranged (not by us!) at a fancy restaurant where family members each ordered 4 courses (when paying for themselves, they’d only have a main) and simply passed the bill over to us when it was brought to our table! Safe to say we’ve had enough

Mine too.
And I would go low or no contact, they all sound absolutely appalling

For all the talk about GDPR, there's always the risk of the urge to gossip overcoming professionalism, so as OP said themselves, using a family member for the mortgage was a mistake. Little point reporting it either if there's no written proof, since it'll just be denied

As for how to handle this, tell the family calmly how this makes you feel and take cash to the next event so that, if the message hasn't gone in, you can pay for your own and then leave. You'll be the main topic of conversation for the rest of the evening but you'd have been that anyway, and this way at least you're not paying for the privilege

Tell the mortgage adviser to pick up the bill out of their commission, or you’ll report them.

Did you pay for everyone? 😮

They're not 'skinflints', suckers maybe with grasping family of whom you clearly approve! When people come out with the rubbish that family should always help family it's usually the same who give and the same who do the taking.

Well that’s incredibly insulting!

I didn’t say their behaviour was okay - I said I wouldn’t cut off family for it.

Hardly warrants you insinuating that I’m a ‘greedy, scrounging, begging cheeky-fucker’ (your words not mine)! 😂

But ok…lol

Out of interest, do your family not have any concept of what salaries are normal for the jobs that you and your DH do? would they have thought you were on 30k were it not for the leaky mortgage adviser?

From now on, I would be unavailable for any meet ups or events involving money

Yes, that would be the other alternative, but it seems a shame to miss out on gatherings if there's a chance of them learning to be less obnoxious

And if they're not capable of that it's hard to fathom the attraction of seeing them anyway

Agreed!

Firstly the family member needs reporting as that's a GDPR issue if they disclosed your salary.

Secondly I'd stop turning up to events. If they organise a meal then cancel at the very last minute as they shouldn't be expecting you to pay!

I'm going to go against the grain here. I think it's nice to treat your family if you can - and in your comparatively fortunate position you can probably afford to be magnanimous about the jibes. It is hard when there is a big discrepancy in incomes. So even though I can see why it is wearing, I'd cut them a bit of slack. £100k is a very high income in most parts of the country, and if you are on a significantly lower income it is hard to understand why you don't feel as if you are rolling in it. Certainly in my family the wealthier members often pick up the tab for the less well off. When I was younger and less well established, others paid for me and now it's my turn to pick up the tab.

How horrible for you. I can’t imagine a family treating another member like this. Well done to you and your partner for doing well..I’m sure you pay lots of tax to help our society.

In this situation, your response needs to be, DH get your calculator up please.
I had the x, x,y,x,y and you had the x,x,y,y,x what's the total? ...
Oh yes, waitress we will be splitting the bill, our share is and we want to add a tip of. Xx

Dinners been fab, must come back sometime.

Then pass the bill to the cheesiest fucker sat at the table.

I think I'd need more detail to comment really. What do you mean by family meals? Are you talking about your mum and dad or a meal for 25 people at a family gathering? I think if your family are struggling on a very low income I could understand them being surprised that you earn 200k p/a as it would seem a huge amount. Thats not to say I agree with them expecting you to pay for everything or believing they are entitled to it. I would have thouht on that salary though that you would treat immediate family when you visited. Its something we do when we visit parents & siblings. Id also help out close family if they were struggling. It's hard to imagine though that you haven't discussed all this with them. Whst did they say the first time they expected you to pay?

I would be speaking to the mortgage advisor about confidentiality and consider reporting. For the time being every time family invite you I would say no. Tell them why. Mortgage advisor has done x and everyone’s behaviour has changed. I’m not here to fund my family. I will choose when I pay…

Cut them off. Sounds like it won't be a loss... They're horrible. Report the mortgage advisor