Family expecting us to pay as we’re ‘high earners’

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DH and I are in our 30s, child-free, living in the city, earning around 100k each. A while ago, we made the mistake of using a family member (mortgage advisor) to arrange a mortgage, resulting in our salaries being shared around my family.

I’m from a small town with low average earnings and the only one in my immediate family earning this much. Since this info has come out, my family’s behaviour towards us has completely changed. At all family meals/events since, no one puts their hands in their pockets and we are expected to pay the entire bill. Snide remarks are made about how we hid the fact we’re “rolling in it”, and we’ve been guilt tripped about how we should be helping people in the family out who are struggling.

Whilst we do live comfortably, we are far from millionaires. I don’t feel that we are in the position to be supporting family financially, nor should it be expected. It’s getting to the point where spending any time with family is a nightmare as finances are almost always brought up or we’re expected to pay. AIBU in being absolutely sick of this and asking for some advice as to how we handle it?

Wow!!!! I am considered a generous person in my family but this is crazy. I would really reduce contact and certainly not go out for dinner or in any position that involves spending money. What an awful way for them to go on.

This!!! Without a doubt. Report the adviser!

Move away.

Report the mortgage advisor as he should never disclose this and any meals you go to make it clear your not paying the bill

you are probably in the top 2-5% of earners in the country and I’m sure that you would worked very ambitiously and conscientiously, to get there. If there’s one thing I’ve learned, is that the high salaries aren’t paid for the type of jobs that are 9-5 and laid back. On the contrary, I’m sure you’re worked for it.

at the same time, I can well imagine that this number seems inconceivable to some. To them, a £100k is probably akin to millionaire status. They probably think that it’s just raining into your lap, effortlessly.

I do not think anyone should have a claim to your earnings, and it’s really alienating when people mention your relative privilege, mockingly. I experienced this at the weekend, where ‘funny’ comments were made about my house, the gym we use, schools…

i also think it depends on who is expecting you to pay. Is it your parents? If it were me, I’d want to spoil my parents, who have a significant role in me becoming the educated person I am. They gave me those values and bought me the books, helped me with university costs.

If we are talking aunts, uncles, cousins…for me, based on the relatively distant emotionally connection I have with mine, it would not be something I’d be happy to keep doing, no.

Yep, I’d also report that awful breach of trust / privacy and I’d refuse to pay for anything else. They’ve all become greedy, seeing your income as something that’s suddenly become communal so they never have to pay for themselves. I’d say something along the lines of feeling that your family have changed and are now very focused on your money and what they can financially get from you, and the expectation that you are the cash cow for everything is both greedy and upsetting. Tell them you’ll be paying your own way and so will they and hold them to it. Your earnings are not automatically theirs to access like a bloody cash point. So rude.

I would be fucking fuming.
It's YOUR hard earned money, why should you spend it on every other cunt?

Next meal out with the family choose a restaurant where you have to order using an app or QR code , so you only pay for what you order 😁

I'm the highest earner in my family but have never had this nonsense. We all fall over each other to be the one paying, even my 85 year old father. The only people I spend more on than I expect to get back are our children.
I'd be avoiding meals out with my family if I felt they just regarded me as a cash cow.
At the next meal I'd suggest splitting the cost between the adults. If they complain I'd tell them I'm hurt and offended by them always expecting us to pay for everything and we'll spend time in future with people who value our company not our money.

For the next meal out I'd probably drop out at the last minute and let them enjoy their one main instead of a four course dinner at your expense!

I would have organised a serious face-to-face chat with the relative who is the broker and set out the problem to him.
If you did report it to his compliance team it might be that he would be investigated and reprimanded rather than sacked.
If you report it and they lose their job, the family will hate you more.
A serious challenge may be the only way of avoiding a worse situation.

In regards to financial discussions, I believe that individuals should live within their means and be responsible for their own financial well-being.

If a mortgage advisor has engaged in gross misconduct, it is important to report them to the appropriate authorities, regardless of any familial relationships. It is essential to maintain professional integrity and uphold ethical standards.

It is not appropriate for individuals to feel guilty about their financial success or to be made to feel obligated to provide financial support to others. Each person should be responsible for their own financial situation and should not be subject to guilt-tripping or manipulation.

Family gatherings can be held at family homes to avoid any potential discomfort or tension related to financial matters.

It is important to remember the struggles and challenges faced during one's journey to financial success and to appreciate the support received from those who were truly there during difficult times. Genuine support, whether emotional or financial, should be recognized and valued.
We live by what we earn regardless.

I sympathise a bit with this. My DH and I have come into alot of money recently and it has changed some family members' attitudes towards us.
We get alot of snide remarks about our 'fancy' house and cars. It's very annoying, even more so for me because my DH made most of it, not me, so I get seen as some sort of 'gold digger' and I've had to cut out a couple of jealous people as a result.

People can be absolute arseholes when it comes to money.

Oh bless those poor souls! I guess if they need more than your love, time, and respect with great big hugs. Better choices or other and different goals for their own lives should have been made. Still can be nobody is forcing them to be around your happiness and hard earned success. I say take care of each other and have a few BBQs at home and find out who is truly there for u. Make sure everyone knows they have to bring a dish. That's how it should be anyway. Good luck y'all take care

@Findinganewme If there’s one thing I’ve learned, is that the high salaries aren’t paid for the type of jobs that are 9-5 and laid back.

You have to be completely detached from real life to make a comment like that. Any full time salaried position consumes the life of the employee, including evenings and weekends. Working evenings and weekends is not something that's exclusive to high earners.

The only jobs with fixed hours tends to be low-skilled labour, with salaries less than 25k.

It definitely isn’t £26k anymore, minimum wage is over £24k!

What really scares the willies out me is the 5% who think the OP is being 'unreasonable.'

I thought that too.

I’d have asked the restaurant to split the bill, paid my share, left the receipt on the table and said my goodbyes and left to make sure the rest of them then had to pay. That would have then been the last time they would have expected it!

They do realise that basically the second half of your salaries are taxed at 40% right? Idiots.

I too would be at least talking to the mortgage advisor to tell them I am tempted to report them or would report them!

And you paid it? Why wouldn’t you just say no?

Good riddance to your family OP. Goodluck

It's easy to say that from behind a keyboard. Much more difficult when put on the spot in a restaurant with the waiter standing there with the bill.

Op needs to avoid getting into that situation in the first place. Make it crystal clear BEFORE they go out that they aren't picking up the tab.

It sounds like it's been a slow creep to the point it was expected that they were picking up the bill.

I’m interested, did you pay the bill?!

The mortgage adviser may or may not have spilled the beans. You have a suspicion based on the sequence of events and that is enough to report it for investigation by their professional regulator. If it's found to be a breach, they would be obliged to report it to the Information Commissioner. Doesn't matter if this lights the blue touch paper in the family, it's important.

As for more family dinners, start saying no, or have it out with them, the choice is yours. I fully understand being in a situation where you know speaking up will cause a scene, because I know similar people. It's hard to speak up without them flying off the handle.

Oh but it's liberating when you do, though!

Next time, I’d cancel at the last minute! Make them pay for their own food!

You are totally not being unreasonable.
a. That person should never have disclosed your income- that is unforgivable.
b. We’ve been in a similar situation with DH’s family. He comes from a very low income family and grew up with parents on benefits. He’s one of 6 kids. While all his siblings work they are mostly in minimum wage jobs and several have multiple kids whereas we only have one. Whilst we’re not in the same income bracket as you, we’ve been married for 25 years, always lived in the same house and have subsequently paid off our mortgage. We’ve got ok cars, but they’re both several years old. Husband is a teacher and I earn a comparable wage.
His family seem to resent every penny we’ve got and if one of them is in a sticky spot they always come running to DH to bail them out. We’re certainly not rolling in it, we’re just more sensible with our money and don’t constantly buy the latest 50” tv or spend every weekend down the pub. They just seem to think they are entitled to his money for some reason, it’s really entitled and wearing.