Family expecting us to pay as we’re ‘high earners’

[Spotlightdeck]

DH and I are in our 30s, child-free, living in the city, earning around 100k each. A while ago, we made the mistake of using a family member (mortgage advisor) to arrange a mortgage, resulting in our salaries being shared around my family.

I’m from a small town with low average earnings and the only one in my immediate family earning this much. Since this info has come out, my family’s behaviour towards us has completely changed. At all family meals/events since, no one puts their hands in their pockets and we are expected to pay the entire bill. Snide remarks are made about how we hid the fact we’re “rolling in it”, and we’ve been guilt tripped about how we should be helping people in the family out who are struggling.

Whilst we do live comfortably, we are far from millionaires. I don’t feel that we are in the position to be supporting family financially, nor should it be expected. It’s getting to the point where spending any time with family is a nightmare as finances are almost always brought up or we’re expected to pay. AIBU in being absolutely sick of this and asking for some advice as to how we handle it?

Have similar well off family.member.

Never dream.of not paying our own way.

However, am aware if money is ever needed because we are unable to feed or pay bills they would be there to help.

Would I want the person who shared my private financial details with my family and put such a huge wedge between us that I might have to go NC to be sacked because they breached their professional obligations? Yes I would.

Are people REALLY saying that if their parents had provided a loving upbringing, been there for you through the good and bad, brought you up to be driven enough to move to a city and earn a three figure salary…

You would cut them off for expecting you to pay for dinner or mocking your wealth.

Before actually having a conversation and explaining how their behaviour was making you feel?

Madness.

This.
I’d ask them WTH they were playing at and tell them exactly what I thought of them and tell them it’s against GDPR.
I’d make them sweat and keep them awake at night wondering and worrying if I was going to report it…and then I would definitely report it!

Tell the "family mortgage adviser" that you’re very upset that everyone seems to know your income, and unless they all stop hassling you about your supposed wealth you might have to start enquiries as to how they received this information. With any luck he'll panic and tell them all to lay off.

Did OP say that it was her parents who expected them to pay every time they go out or did she say family members that could be anyone (distant relative, cousins, aunts uncles etc)

I wouldn't do this. Let's face it - the Op and her DH do earn very good money however you describe it. That's not the issue - the issue is that members of their family just want to freeload off them.

Your family mortgage advisor needs to be reported if they can’t follow basic rules like don’t share information about peoples incomes.

Are your family actually struggling? Surely not if they’re going out to eat. In your position I’d pay for my own parents but I wouldn’t be paying for siblings and in laws and all their children. Not even wanting to pay for your parents when you’re on that money is tight as arseholes though.

Oh, okay. Fair enough. So £100k is indeed rare to be on. Lucky OP!

One of my daughters (brought up by me as a single parent, with four siblings so absolutely no money and a LOT of sacrifices) makes a six-figure salary. I know how much she earns. But I would not DREAM of expecting her to pay for everything, nor referring to her salary in any way in front of family. And definitely not mocking her or even teasing her lightly for her achievements.

That would be every kind of wrong.

I’m going to rant…

Where is the loyalty or ability to accept people’s flaws?

I always see threads about how people are lonely or don’t have friends and bad relationships with families.

And then everyone’s like ‘oh your sister broke your comb - go NC!’ Oh your best friend of 15 years forgot your great grandma’s birthday…NC! Your in-laws want to actually spend time with you…defo NC with you and their grand kids!

People ain’t perfect - surely you can forgive them a few flaws no?

Agreed but if you did she might explain to you how that made her feel right? Instead of just cutting you off?

I'd be fuming with the mortgage advisor, how bloody unprofessional!

But without knowing who they are people just say - go NC.

Of course anyone who is comfortable will want to be generous with family but it's horrible when it's assumed and expected. It starts to feel like they don't even love you, just your money.

Next time leave early. Put some money on the table and say here's our contribution to the bill say got to get back for the boiler man see you soon and go.

Time after that assertively say can we split the bill between us - that's £32 each or whatever.

Don't just pay it they need to stop seeing you as a soft touch.

Chances are they'll have ordered more than they would have if they thought you weren't paying. They might start to think about it when they realise you're not just going to stand for it.

Great advice!

Knowingly breaching someone's financial privacy isn't a "flaw" though – it's a dereliction of professional duty. I'm amazed how many people are okay with this. If it was a stranger you'd be furious but because it's a family member the response is 'whoopsie'?

I would have minimal contact with the whole fucking bunch. Also, the mortgage adviser whom you gave information about your salaries to - aren't they part of a professional body with a code of conduct? At the very least I'd mention this to them.

How rude! OMG just ignore them or tell them a lie like you have switched jobs and now you earn 20k so they stop! Ugh! Sounds ridiculous to want and expect money from you!!! :(

My brother is a mortgage advisor and his partner did ours.
Never once has my salary been mentioned since, as that would be unprofessional.

You didn’t win the lottery you EARN your money and presumably work hard for it, as well as having additional out going (student loans maybe?)

But even so, you don’t have to justify your income to anyone at all.
if you get invited out tell them you are paying for your food only.
If they don’t respect that, wash away.

and definitely report the mortgage broker they broke the law and damaged your relationships.

I don’t think I’d ever go as far as to Sue or report the family member, but I would be saving up a ‘do you always discuss the salaries of people who come to you for professional help’ for use at the most in opportune time! Also agree with everyone, don’t go out to dinners/ lunches and if you have to a nice smiley ‘guess I’m paying for you all again!’ or ‘ami really paying again?’ remark. Every time.

Aside from the issue with the mortgage advisor...... I think and I'll get flamed for it, that if someone is significantly wealthier than their relatives, it is quite nice to show some generosity. I'm not saying you should pay for everything obviously and the entitlement is a problem clearly, but a little acknowledgement that paying for a round of drinks or whatever is much easier for you than them is not necessarily a bad thing. Growing up, I remember my dad would often treat family members as he was doing better than them. If we went out for a meal with another family I always remember both dad's of each family insisting on paying the bill.

Even if you were rolling in it why on earth would it be your responsibility to pay for other people? Sadly there is an element of my family who are exactly the same and me and my siblings always pay for their share of every meal/drink/event. I didn’t mind when they were students etc but all involved are now in their thirties and frankly I resent the expectation.