Family expecting us to pay as we’re ‘high earners’

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DH and I are in our 30s, child-free, living in the city, earning around 100k each. A while ago, we made the mistake of using a family member (mortgage advisor) to arrange a mortgage, resulting in our salaries being shared around my family.

I’m from a small town with low average earnings and the only one in my immediate family earning this much. Since this info has come out, my family’s behaviour towards us has completely changed. At all family meals/events since, no one puts their hands in their pockets and we are expected to pay the entire bill. Snide remarks are made about how we hid the fact we’re “rolling in it”, and we’ve been guilt tripped about how we should be helping people in the family out who are struggling.

Whilst we do live comfortably, we are far from millionaires. I don’t feel that we are in the position to be supporting family financially, nor should it be expected. It’s getting to the point where spending any time with family is a nightmare as finances are almost always brought up or we’re expected to pay. AIBU in being absolutely sick of this and asking for some advice as to how we handle it?

You are in the top 5% earners in the U.K.

information however should not have been disclosed in that way - a lesson not in involve family in money matters. I hope you can put in a formal complaint?

Nothing wrong with that, PreesHeath; I'm in a much better financial position than some of my friends and have been known to do it myself

The difference is that they wouldn't dream of expecting it, and the idea of guzzling extra because I'm there and then presenting me with the bill wouldn't even occur to them - mainly because they're thoroughly decent people

This - nice diplomatic solution

Have you actually confirmed to them that that is what you earn? If not then ask them why they think you should pay and when they say because of your high salary just say "You don't actually think he would tell you the truth, do you? He knows how much trouble that would cause for him if he shared our private information"

I mean obviously they are BU
But I am intrigued that this has come as such a shock to them....and you tbh.
My parents always pay for family meals. None of us kids/spouses are low earners but we do have kids and my parents can afford it.
I think if it was reversed I would know if my parents/siblings were struggling and they would know we weren't....and we would probably offer to pay occasionally or something.

So...when you say city....do you mean London or another city? What sort of house do you have and who are these family members?

I am the high earner in the family and my family have never expected me to pay. Consequently I have on a number of occasions quietly picked up the bill at family events.

The day anyone handed me the bill and expected me to pay would be the day I told them to stick the bill in whatever orifice suited them.

Guilt tripped about not supporting family members - this is out of order from your family. Report the mortgage advisor. Pay for nothing unless you invite your family. Tell them that their sponging attitude is disgraceful. They should have happy for you to have a good salary not putting themselves in line for free stuff.

Sadly a lot of families are completely dysfunctional when it comes to money.

They also lack the ability to get to grips with the concept that as your salaries increase so do your lifestyle expenses. So the actual "free" money you have is limited.

This can also happen a lot when you have relatives in a poorer country, where to them you earn a small fortune, but they simply lack the understanding that your expenses too come to a small fortune.

Your first mistake was really to not realise that your family was dysfunctional in this regard and then going with the family member for mortgage advice. These things are best kept out of the family and you should have realised that this would be the end result.

Sadly I don't think you have much option now. You can either be seen as "rich and tight" or continue to bail them out. I don't think trying to explain to them will probably lead to a successful outcome.

I think it is almost inevitable that you are going to lose contact with them or end up no contact, because I doubt whether there is any way they are ever going to believe you that you are not considerably richer than them and from the sense of entitlement they have demonstrated so far I think they are unlikely to change their attitude.

A sad situation all round. You are not unreasonable, but I doubt whether you are going to be able to do anything about it. Probably a good time to lose contact before they start coming to you for "loans" which is probably going to lead to further issues when you refuse.

Yep, my response would have been, thanks waitress, we're paying £XXX for the both of us, then pass the bill to the next person to pay for their share. I'd absolutely NOT have covered this whole bill.

Inviting someone to a meal, then handing them the bill, after the bunch of cheeky fuckers have ordered 4 courses is the height of cheeky fuckery. I'd have dealt with it then and there.

By paying for it (if in fact you did), then you've missed the perfect opportunity to make a stand against this cheeky fuckery.

Next time they invite you to a meal, I'd go, let everyone order their numerous courses, just the two of you order a main each, then say you're not feeling well, you're going to head off, then either go without paying (well, you've paid for them enough times), or just go to the waitress and pay for your two mains, then leave. That'll teach them.

Don't go out for dinner or lunch again with them, cut them off

Say no.
Pass the bill back.
Tell the waiter to bring separate bills.
Tell them that you aren't their piggy bank.
It'll get cheaper for you if they sulk

I'm flabbergasted... That's awful, just because you earn that amount, doesn't mean you have to foot the bill or is expected to pay for everything 😔

I absolutely agree that your family members are out of order, and that the family mortgage advisor needs to be held to account for breaking confidentiality.

However, if this has been going on for a while, why on earth are you going out for these frequent meals with them?

Also, when you were asked along to this "fancy restaurant", didn't you twig beforehand that this issue might crop up again, as it has in the past?

Being outlier high earners in an otherwise poorer family often can be problematic. If you're still keen to meet up with them, why not avoid restaurant meet-ups, and host at home once or twice a year?

but is it expected? Do they order what they like and just hand you the bill? Thats cheekyfuckery

Sounds terrible. You need a conversation with them about it. For that, you need to get yourself ready to state the grounds of your complaint clearly. Maybe it's roughly: We live in a capitalist society not a communist society, I've worked hard for this money, and I don't see why I have to pay a tax to see you. Not sure that’s quite right though.

Anyway, once you’ve worked out your reasons, I'd be very tempted to organise a meal out with the family. Raise your complaint and give the reasons why you think their actions are unfair. Try to reach an agreement with them on how you'll all treat each other going forward. If you can't agree, tell them you can't live with this and you won't be doing it again. Alternatively, if you want to be really dramatic, stick £1000 on the table, tell them "Have a great night", walk out, and don't accept any invitations to eat out again.

your family sound like vultures. Simply put.

The day anyone handed the bill and expected me to pay would be the day I told them to stick the bill in whatever orifice suited them.

Yes fair enough - it doesn't sound as if they are being very nice to the OP, but then to me it sounds like the behaviour of people who haven't thought things through. Perhaps talking things through rather than allowing resentment to fester would help? Although does the OP actually want to maintain the relationship? It sounds hard work.

You are high earners, but that’s your money that you’ve earned and should not be anyone else’s business. Definitely breaching GDPR with the mortgage advisor disclosing your salary, but also more fool you for using someone you know. The family expecting you to pay for things is just presumptuous and greedy. We get the same thing from DH family but we are most certainly not high earners, they just think because we’ve bought our house that we’re somehow rolling in the cash…how wrong they are 😂

nope I disagree. They know what they are doing..and why waste another 1000 on them?

I would have laughed and said, ‘I’m not paying for everyone you know!’ and put down enough for me and DH. They can’t somehow make you pay. Just don’t.

If anyone says anything about your salary-ask how do they know what you earn? Then if they say, ‘well, financial adviser brother told us all’, turn to him and call him out for being totally unprofessional. Make it clear you aren’t their cash point and don’t attend any sort of dinner/night out with them all that might end up like this.

it sounds to me as though they are not capable of thinking things through. Common good manners is all that is needed to not bloodsuck of your relatives.

we have the opposite type of problem. DHs sister and husband are seriously rich, insane amounts, multiple houses, London penthouses, overseas property etc. we’ve given up going out with them for several reasons not least because they order wildly expensive wine/champagne etc without consulting and then split the bill. We got lectured if we didn’t partake and asked to split the bill into food/booze and told we were being petty if we tried to insist on reasonable wine orders. Just not bloody worth the effort.

I'd be inclined to cut them off with that behaviour, report mortgage advisor to their professional body, and if anyone asks, tell them that because of their decision to go out and land you with the bill without at least telling you in advance, you had to cancel X/Y/Z thing and can no longer afford to travel home given the costs involved.

Definitely, they should lose their job.

OP - My family are slightly irritating.

Being a grabby fucker is more than slightly irritating, whoever it is.

Mumsnet - Cut them off completely or better still report them to their employers, social services, police or any other authorities who will listen!

So if your family member was working in healthcare, would it be fine to share their medical information? Or is it just ok when someone has something to gain for themselves?

The OP’s family probably live in houses worth less than her yearly salary.

This is just going to the other side of offensive. Do you imagine the OP’s family being like the Northern version of the Weasleys or something? Living in some rambling shack with too many children, ‘aye oop, lends us £50 love, it will feed us all a month shopping t’Aldi’….