Family expecting us to pay as we’re ‘high earners’

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DH and I are in our 30s, child-free, living in the city, earning around 100k each. A while ago, we made the mistake of using a family member (mortgage advisor) to arrange a mortgage, resulting in our salaries being shared around my family.

I’m from a small town with low average earnings and the only one in my immediate family earning this much. Since this info has come out, my family’s behaviour towards us has completely changed. At all family meals/events since, no one puts their hands in their pockets and we are expected to pay the entire bill. Snide remarks are made about how we hid the fact we’re “rolling in it”, and we’ve been guilt tripped about how we should be helping people in the family out who are struggling.

Whilst we do live comfortably, we are far from millionaires. I don’t feel that we are in the position to be supporting family financially, nor should it be expected. It’s getting to the point where spending any time with family is a nightmare as finances are almost always brought up or we’re expected to pay. AIBU in being absolutely sick of this and asking for some advice as to how we handle it?

We've had this from the in laws. The joke of it is that it's only dh who is a higher earner, I'm on minimum wage. But in laws think we are rolling in it (Fil has said that to our faces!) Luckily they live abroad but whenever we have visited them or they to us, they've never paid for anything. Dh has paid for their flights to UK, and I have no issue with that. But they won't even pay for bloody coffees when we are out. Fil also had the cheek to tell dh he shouldn't ever ask for a pay rise as he earns "more than enough".

It's a bloody good job they live on the other side of the world!!

Anytime you’re out, go to the toilet just before the bill arrives then come back to the table having paid your share at the bar. They’re free to split the rest themselves.

When people "expect" you to do something you don't want to do, don't do it. Split the bill as usual, learn to say "no, and please do not mention this again" when someone is guilt-tripping you. If they can't respect your boundaries, stop seeing them.

As so many PP have said, that FA should not have divulged your confidential information. I know it is difficult, but they should be reported.

The only thing you can do is stand up for yourselves and make it clear that you are not paying for everyone. Stop going to family meals, and when you are asked why, make it clear it was because everyone expected you to pick up the tab.

Either stop going out with your family, or establish before you go what the payment arrangements will be. If they say they're assuming you will pay, point out that you paid the last ten times (or whatever it is) and say firmly that it isn't going to happen this time.

A generation ago before data protection laws. I worked in a mortgage bank. Did mortgages for friends and family. Never let out a word to anyone. Simple decency and trust. Also I would have been sacked for any such action. Disgusting You should have warned him at the time or not used him. He knows the score though.
Co- incidentally one family member is very wealthy and generous, but we all make sure we all pay our share.
Tell family you will not be paying any more as extra income is going into pensions.
I would tell them all that if there is any further mention of your incomes you will report the data breach and mean it.

I’d be stopping them mooching off me for a start. No way would I be paying for a load of money grabbing vultures.

This, absolutely awful thing to do.
And family expecting you to pay is just terrible, they should be ashamed of themselves. Almost sounds like they’re punishing you for having good jobs.

You don't work hard and be successful for others to leech of you.

Firstly, I'd be confronting and reporting that mortgage advisor for a blatant GDPR breach! Even if they didn't confide the actual sums involved, they shouldn't have been discussing your finances at all.

Secondly, distance yourself from the whole grabby lot of them.

Totally agree, report and back away. They are just out for what you can give them and don’t care clearly. If you were seriously unwell would any of them be there for you, probably not unless they thought you might pop them in your will.

That's a GDPR breach and not acceptable or legal

Next time they want to go out. Just say, we are free but won’t be bank rolling anyone else’s food/tickets etc etc. You have to be blunt

You MUST lodge a formal complaint about your mortgage adviser either to his employer or his regulatory body. Your financial details should have been confidential.

I agree with everyone else: report the family member that violated GDPR and shared your personal details with your extended family.

Go low contact with anyone who expects you to bankroll them or makes comments about your incomes.

I’m sure the OP has realised by now that it might be a GDPR breach and did in fact ask for help with the approaching members of the family in general who are expecting her to pay all the time.

OP I would wait for the next invitation and then turn it down very publicly saying that every time you come along everyone always expect you to pay and you feel that they don’t value your attendance other than someone who pays which makes you sad. Hopefully they will reflect, I know in my family they would.

How disgusting.. my sister's household income is about 4 times ours and she is generous but I always offer to pay for stuff and insist that I do sometimes.
I would never bring it upm

Yep report the broker and tell your family to wind their necks in. Just refuse to pay any more than your share and make it clear before you next see them. If they are snide then go very low contact until they behave themselves.

Why not be generous. No wonder your family think you are a pair of skinflints

I wouldnt be going out with any of them again!

Vast vast majority of people in London aren't on anywhere near this salary

Rather than report the mortgage advisor tell him that this is because of him and you don't plan to report him now but he needs to take the lead in getting everyone to pay for themselves in future. And why you pay just pay for the two of you.

Mumsnet is hilarious.

OP - My family are slightly irritating.

Mumsnet - Cut them off completely or better still report them to their employers, social services, police or any other authorities who will listen!

The OP’s family probably live in houses worth less than her yearly salary. They have no concept of London money and to them she’s effectively won the lottery! I’m not saying how they’re acting is okay but definitely not a reason to disown your family! 😂

Yanbu obviously.

How best to handle it depends on your appetite for confronting the issue. You could tell everyone to fuck off and tell your relative you're going to report them. Or you could lie and say youve cut your hours, moved to a lower paid role or similar. Which of these is better will depend on how you tend to handle things like this. I'd be on team fuck off personally, but you may know that's not you.

I'd tell them straight and if that fails then cut them off. Cheeky gits.