Family expecting us to pay as we’re ‘high earners’

[Spotlightdeck]

DH and I are in our 30s, child-free, living in the city, earning around 100k each. A while ago, we made the mistake of using a family member (mortgage advisor) to arrange a mortgage, resulting in our salaries being shared around my family.

I’m from a small town with low average earnings and the only one in my immediate family earning this much. Since this info has come out, my family’s behaviour towards us has completely changed. At all family meals/events since, no one puts their hands in their pockets and we are expected to pay the entire bill. Snide remarks are made about how we hid the fact we’re “rolling in it”, and we’ve been guilt tripped about how we should be helping people in the family out who are struggling.

Whilst we do live comfortably, we are far from millionaires. I don’t feel that we are in the position to be supporting family financially, nor should it be expected. It’s getting to the point where spending any time with family is a nightmare as finances are almost always brought up or we’re expected to pay. AIBU in being absolutely sick of this and asking for some advice as to how we handle it?

Is the mortgage advisor family member at these gatherings?

If so, I'd ask, so that they can hear ' how on earth do you know my earnings?' And when they reply I'd say 'can't you lose your job for doing that?'

Who is suggesting the meals out and the venue? If it's you then you need to be aware of keeping it cheap and cheerful to suit everyone's income. When the bill comes I'd say 'are we working out what we've had or just splitting it 8 ways (or whatever the number of people).' If they ask you to pay I'd state 'ok. I'll pay this time but then it's someone else's turn next time'

We have had snide comments about supporting my BIL. But I don't see how it's our fault that he can't stick to a job and makes poor life choices. We've worked hard and made good investments. His mental health is always used as an excuse. Just keep saying no, you shouldn't be responsible for other adults.

We had similar - not the gdpr issue, but cf family who ‘forgot’ their money etc.. Getting repaid after the fact was excruciating.

Even now, if we have to attend a family outing, I will drop a message to all saying we will be paying our share by cash, and they should plan to pay their own. It’s been fine since, but I am very strict about it with myself.

Even in London it's a huge salary....about 200k for a couple with no children? That's a big salary and certainly not just a average wage for London

Ask the mortgage advisor how your salary information is common knowledge.

Then tell them calmly a family member has confirmed they told them

Let them squirm.

Oh come off it! You are literally the only person who thinks that!

If you want to continue to see family then you will have to be blunt that you are not there to foot the bill, and you will be reporting said mortgage adviser if this carryon doesn't stop!

Why be generous? Because they don’t see it as OP being generous, they see it as their right to be supported by her. It isn’t.

I’d take being considered a skinflint one hundred times over than be considered an easy target for parasites.

I'm appalled by your family's behaviour! Even if you were "rolling in it" it does not give them the right to expect you to pay for them all the time. Who would want to go to an event and be on the receiving end of snide comments only to be presented with the bill at the end? Looks like they won't be seeing you at many family gatherings moving forward which is a shame, but what else can you do?

I agree with others who have suggested you report the mortgage advisor for breaching confidentiality rules in the first place!

Agreed!

People who love you, love you not your earnings. I can therefore only infer that these people don't love you. Therefore you needn't worry about upsetting them by not paying a damn thing for them.

But the mortgage advisor family member clearly does have a concept of London money, which is why they blabbed and why they should be reported for breach of GDPR.

But it it their private information.
And the parasites need to move away.

Awful behaviour.

A couple of our friends are properly loaded but I wouldn’t dream of behaving like that. We always expect to split the bill. On the odd occasion they’ve insisted we have been very grateful.

This with bells and whistles.

I think I’d explain to this family member the effects of what they’d done.

But do you really want to see members of your family sacked and left with no job? They’re obviously not a wealthy family apart from OP.

I think I'd put one email around everyone, explaining that while you and your dh earn a 'London' salary, a standard family house in a safe part of London costs £1.5 million, needing a deposit of at least £100k, with council tax to match, so you are not rolling in it.

So you would appreciate them not referring to it again, or expecting you to pay more than your fair share.

Hit send, and then regard the matter as closed.

Anyone ignorant enough to mention it again gets a withering stare once, and then cut off after that.

This

Wow I am shocked that they think this is ok.

How close are you talking?

Are you talking about your parents? Or extended family?

For me this matters as it would change how I would deal with it. If I was earning £200k I would pay for my parents meals every single time. I wouldn’t extend this kindness to everyone though.

It isn’t your responsibility to help people out financially.

The short answer is - say no. Get the bill, open your calculator on your phone and work out how much each person is paying.

Thats so sad that your siblings would behave like that! I would be proud and pleased that my sibling had done well for themself as my sibling would for me! However i do have other relatives that would probably be less charitable about it!

Corrected your reply for you:

Oh come off it! You are literally the only troll who thinks that!

I'd report the mortgage adviser, that's shocking! We used a family friend for our mortgage and she wouldn't dream of breathing a word of our earnings to anyone in our family, it's grossly unprofessional.

And I would have a word with the mortgage adviser too. I would be absolutely livid about this part. Who else is he sharing your personal information with?

It never fails to amaze me how many people on Mumsnet are on "six figure" salaries when such a tiny percentage of the population earn that much. Are all high earners lonely and need to seek solace in an internet forum?

You haven't got an endless pit of money. As PP have said I would cut them off. The cheeky fuckery of it.

But in reality we know this didn't happen.