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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think you don’t ask for a present of this value…

184 replies

Ruderequest · 15/07/2024 15:58

I’m annoyed, possibly irrationally so and need talking down.

DH was stuck for ideas for his grandma’s husband’s birthday (in his 70s, younger than her) and so asked for some present inspiration from her. Today arrives a large bottle of aftershave from the Amazon delivery guy. I searched for it on Amazon and see it’s priced between £70-80.

I’m really cross. They are not that close, we see them maybe twice a year and they are very well off indeed but have never helped us out when we have been struggling in the past. I’d never spend this on a relative’s birthday and if I was going to I would discuss it with DH. We have just fixed at a ridiculously high (5%) mortgage rate and we have a baby on the way soon. We’ve never really needed to watch the cash and as such have never had a present budget but we do need one now as my maternity pay is not going to be great and we’re both trying to save as much as possible, which has been a common understanding for months now.

I’m also annoyed at his grandma for having little concept of cost?

Prepared to be told AIBU but how is best to approach this without conflict? I don’t want to argue, I’m just stressed as to me every penny counts.

OP posts:
Original poster
Ruderequest · 15/07/2024 16:03

I will add that although we never had a budget before we still weren’t rolling in it, just less skint and with less outgoings and financial commitments than now.

OP posts:
Sillystrumpet · 15/07/2024 16:05

It must be very bad indeed if you can’t afford this, it seems you’ve different views on how skint you both are, so you need to sit down and talk about the fact you’re struggling so much financially and can’t afford this.

personlly I can’t imagine sitting looking to see how much it cost, and think it shows just how hard up you both are, how does he not know this.

agree a budget between you.

Original poster
Ruderequest · 15/07/2024 16:07

Sillystrumpet · 15/07/2024 16:05

It must be very bad indeed if you can’t afford this, it seems you’ve different views on how skint you both are, so you need to sit down and talk about the fact you’re struggling so much financially and can’t afford this.

personlly I can’t imagine sitting looking to see how much it cost, and think it shows just how hard up you both are, how does he not know this.

agree a budget between you.

I think it’s a bit tone deaf to say it must be very bad indeed if we can’t afford £70 like that. Honestly which family can in the COL crisis??

It’s priorities, isn’t it? Of course we have the £70 available and more but we also need to make sure we are financially stable when I have reduced income over maternity leave, and to deal with this new mahoosive mortgage payment and any unexpected bills.
Nothing wrong with a gift that costs half this and inviting them over for dinner - imo.

OP posts:
ViciousCurrentBun · 15/07/2024 16:09

You have said they are very well off, thing is to them £70 may seem like a tenner.

TomatoSandwiches · 15/07/2024 16:10

If they're well off they will likely have different tastes and expectations?

Next time just opt for a decent bottle of wine and a card.

Pootles34 · 15/07/2024 16:10

I agree with the OP @Sillystrumpet (although I do love your user name), that is a bit of a tone-deaf post. £70 is a lot to spend on a family member that isn't close, I'm sure most people would think it a bit much?

Especially to suggest someone spending that on you - the cheek! However OP you now need to request outrageous Christmas gifts from them - get planning now!

BusterGonad · 15/07/2024 16:10

Sillystrumpet · 15/07/2024 16:05

It must be very bad indeed if you can’t afford this, it seems you’ve different views on how skint you both are, so you need to sit down and talk about the fact you’re struggling so much financially and can’t afford this.

personlly I can’t imagine sitting looking to see how much it cost, and think it shows just how hard up you both are, how does he not know this.

agree a budget between you.

Are you taking the piss? £70 to £80 on a distant relatives birthday present is loads. I'd say you must be pretty loaded if this is the norm. I'd love to be able to spend that and not bat an eye.

Original poster
Ruderequest · 15/07/2024 16:10

ViciousCurrentBun · 15/07/2024 16:09

You have said they are very well off, thing is to them £70 may seem like a tenner.

I think you’re probably right :( but how they can’t see that we are working every hour under the sun to make sure we have enough behind us, I don’t know. I’m trying not to let it wind me up but struggling

OP posts:
MouseofCommons · 15/07/2024 16:11

Yanbu. Even my mum doesn't spend that on my gifts. (Although she would give me money in a financial crisis).

Kinneddar · 15/07/2024 16:12

I’m also annoyed at his grandma for having little concept of cost

She was asked for a suggestion. She suggested. It was 100% then down to your husband to say that was too expensive & tell her how much you planned on spending. I wouldn't have a clue how much aftershave cost either

UpUpUpU · 15/07/2024 16:13

Google a dupe for the aftershave. Send the original one back and swap it. Think nothing more of it.

Life is too short

StormingNorman · 15/07/2024 16:14

If you only see them a couple of times a year they probably don’t know as much about your finances as you think. You also don’t know what gift they asked for. Did they specify what size bottle? Did they give DH a range of gift ideas and he chose? Did he want to spend that much?

I think you’ve flown off the handle here.

Original poster
Ruderequest · 15/07/2024 16:14

UpUpUpU · 15/07/2024 16:13

Google a dupe for the aftershave. Send the original one back and swap it. Think nothing more of it.

Life is too short

He’s bought a 200ml bottle and there’s a 110ml bottle available for £30. Wouldn’t even mind if we spent that

OP posts:
Letsgocamping67 · 15/07/2024 16:15

Send it back and order the 110 ml. I would.

Iwantmyoldnameback · 15/07/2024 16:16

Ruderequest · 15/07/2024 16:14

He’s bought a 200ml bottle and there’s a 110ml bottle available for £30. Wouldn’t even mind if we spent that

Edited
Show quote history

Can you swap it?

MasterBeth · 15/07/2024 16:18

Ruderequest · 15/07/2024 16:14

He’s bought a 200ml bottle and there’s a 110ml bottle available for £30. Wouldn’t even mind if we spent that

Edited
Show quote history

Then that's your solution. How hard is it to have the conversation with him without getting cross?

"Jesus, Dave, that's a lot to spend on grandma's partner. Why not get the thirty quid bottle?"

Honestly, so many problems on Mumsnet are very easily solved just by talking to each other.

Procrastinates · 15/07/2024 16:18

Ruderequest · 15/07/2024 16:14

He’s bought a 200ml bottle and there’s a 110ml bottle available for £30. Wouldn’t even mind if we spent that

Edited
Show quote history

I don't understand why you're cross with the grandparents when this is clearly a husband problem? He didn't have to buy it and if he chose to do so he didn't have to get the larger bottle. Why are you annoyed with the grandparents they've literally done nothing wrong?

Original poster
Ruderequest · 15/07/2024 16:18

Iwantmyoldnameback · 15/07/2024 16:16

Can you swap it?

Show quote history

I think if I suggest it to DH it will annoy him. I don’t want to seem controlling. He never polices my spending but also if I were to spend over £50 I would talk to him about it

OP posts:
PhilosophicalCheeseSandwich · 15/07/2024 16:18

I agree that you should send the big bottle back and get a small one. Try All Beauty, they're often cheaper for fragrances.

SleepingStandingUp · 15/07/2024 16:18

UpUpUpU · 15/07/2024 16:13

Google a dupe for the aftershave. Send the original one back and swap it. Think nothing more of it.

Life is too short

This.

BeaRF75 · 15/07/2024 16:18

YABU for checking on your husband's spending - I would never do that. It's up to him what he buys/spends.
But it's also odd for any adult too actually ask for a birthday present - isn't the normal response "oh, don't bother.... just buy me a drink sometime"? So the grandparents are a bit odd too.

Original poster
Ruderequest · 15/07/2024 16:19

MasterBeth · 15/07/2024 16:18

Then that's your solution. How hard is it to have the conversation with him without getting cross?

"Jesus, Dave, that's a lot to spend on grandma's partner. Why not get the thirty quid bottle?"

Honestly, so many problems on Mumsnet are very easily solved just by talking to each other.

Show quote history

I’m probably inflating it in my head because I’m annoyed and worried about money right now. You’re right, it is that easy and that’s what I’ll do. Thank you

OP posts:
Regalia · 15/07/2024 16:19

Ruderequest · 15/07/2024 16:10

I think you’re probably right :( but how they can’t see that we are working every hour under the sun to make sure we have enough behind us, I don’t know. I’m trying not to let it wind me up but struggling

Show quote history

But you’ve said you’re not close, and see them twice a year. How are they likely to know whether or not you’re struggling or working every hour under the son? If they’re wealthy, your grandmother just probably threw a few ideas out there without considering your finances, about which she probably doesn’t think much…? And again, you complain they’ve never helped you out financially, but would you really expect handouts of money from a distant family member you see twice a year?

MasterBeth · 15/07/2024 16:20

SleepingStandingUp · 15/07/2024 16:18

This.

Show quote history

It's much meaner to send a copy of the thing someone wants than a small amount of the thing someone wants.

PistachioFrapp · 15/07/2024 16:21

Every bit of this is odd to me.

Nothing wrong with granny making a suggestion - DH didn't have to go along with it.

Weird that he thinks you can afford this but you don't. Why do you see your finances so differently?

Odd that you didn't just say, Are you mad, we can't afford this and then discuss.