To think you don’t ask for a present of this value…

[Ruderequest]

I’m annoyed, possibly irrationally so and need talking down.

DH was stuck for ideas for his grandma’s husband’s birthday (in his 70s, younger than her) and so asked for some present inspiration from her. Today arrives a large bottle of aftershave from the Amazon delivery guy. I searched for it on Amazon and see it’s priced between £70-80.

I’m really cross. They are not that close, we see them maybe twice a year and they are very well off indeed but have never helped us out when we have been struggling in the past. I’d never spend this on a relative’s birthday and if I was going to I would discuss it with DH. We have just fixed at a ridiculously high (5%) mortgage rate and we have a baby on the way soon. We’ve never really needed to watch the cash and as such have never had a present budget but we do need one now as my maternity pay is not going to be great and we’re both trying to save as much as possible, which has been a common understanding for months now.

I’m also annoyed at his grandma for having little concept of cost?

Prepared to be told AIBU but how is best to approach this without conflict? I don’t want to argue, I’m just stressed as to me every penny counts.

I don't think you can blame his grandma your husband asked what he would like and she told him . He could have bought a smaller bottle or something else.
I do think it a little unusual to search on Amazon to check how much it cost . My DH buys things for his family and I wouldn't think about checking to see how much he has spent.

Glad you clarified that @TinkerTiger . I had you listed under 'posters who didn't read the OP properly. You are a good person.

Houses wouldn't be so expensive if people didn't overstretch themselves to get a mortgage, low interest rates have fed into this, as well as all the government interference encouraging people to buy houses. Prices need to be allowed to stagnate so prices go down. But the silent generation and older Boomers will be dying off in the next 10-20 years so it will even out and the Millenials will become the richest generation as they inherit from their parents.

Nobody buys a 200ml bottle, the perfume will go off before it gets used up so tellhim to send it back and get the standard 100ml bottle (or even a 30ml bottle).

I think the OPs husband asked his grandma what her husband wanted he didn't ask the husband. I don't think it's odd for the grandma to suggest something.

You sound majorly pissed off at the granny for some reason.

She made a suggestion.

It's you husband's fault for taking her up on it.

You also say 'how they can't see we're working every hour under the sun's

How would they if they are so distant and you only see them twice a year???

I think granny annoys you and you're directing some of your anger towards her, but in reality, she has done absolutely nothing wrong.

Hi OP, as you haven't had to worry about budgeting before, this was likely a rash decision by your husband. Let it go.
Good luck with the new arrival!

YANBU, the fault lies with your DH. In my family we spend £20 for Secret Santa. In DH's family they spend a lot more on presents. We have separate money, DH can spend what he likes, as long as it does NOT come from our family budget.

I find all this generational twaddle annoying. There is however a fact, things were easier for people starting out in the early 1980s. This was true of young, working families in the 50s and it is true now. It is a fact that my parents had an easier time of it financially. In both of our families, only the DH worked and DM's were SAHM. They both lived in local authority houses for a time. Higher mortgage rates were more common back then. They still had a better standard of living.

Looking at average house prices now and 45ish years ago:
5% of £250,000 is £12,500 (2024)
18.63% of £25,000 is £4657.50 (early 1980's)

I

I remember I was in a new graduate job, father in law had started his career way back in the same job in the same Govt dept. The wages weren’t that different, 30 years on, but where he’d been able to afford a big 4 bed house and support a SAH wife and children, me and his son together could barely afford a one bed flat in a shittier location!

I would let it go and not mention it.

You’re naturally worried about money right now, so it may be a good time to have a chat about finances. Ideally you are in a situation where you can both hold a bit back from household money to spend how you please. I wouldn’t mention the aftershave at all in this conversation. It would just be useful for you both to have agreed oversight on finances. Plus (hopefully) the freedom for you both to each have some spends that you don’t need to justify to the other.

This.

I don't begrudge people being able to buy their homes cheaper back in the 1980s/1990s, but I despise the utter refusal of so many people to see that they did have it a bit easier than young people now.

Instead, they just want to pretend that it was all down to their hard graft and skill and the reason that young people can't get on the ladder-has nothing to do with the rocketing house prices, interest rates and the fact that wages haven't been keeping up-but instead, because all the young people are just lazy whiners who wouldn't know a hard day's work if it bit them in the face.

And this is coming from a millennial who owns my own home on my own, but I feel for people struggling now and I know I got lucky.

I thought this about my husband's family. I'm on maternity leave, and they know we're only getting Maternity Allowance, no SMP, yet still sent £££ items on the gift list for Christmas.

At least they were close relations though. I wouldn't be specific with someone more distantly related.

This. Get angry with the person who spent the money.

The only people who spend that on me are my parents.

It must be very bad indeed if you can’t afford this
only on mumsnet 😆

Is that the standard price or has your dh just purchased a large bottle at a convenient amazon deliver price? Did they ask fir that specific aftershave or did they just suggest aftershave? The problem is not them suggesting it, it's that you and dh are on different pages about what you can afford. Maybe time to chat about finances.

can you share the cost of the gift with a sibling? so a joint gift rather than just from your dh.

This, I’d be furious if my husband was telling me wha6 I can spend from the money I earned, it’s the reason we have our own accounts for spends, and a joint one for joint expenses, so that one can’t dictate to the other or start googling how much stuff cost.

stunned some are saying send it back, like the 0p is in total control of the finances and he gets absolutely no say on how to spend money he earns,

I strongly suspect his view on this is goin to be very different to the ops, hence why she’s searching the price and then asking on here.

There you go then. A 200ml bottle of aftershave or perfume is costly

Smaller Bottle of 30ml Would have been fine

@ImplacableDiscernment , what are those figures?

What a poisonous and unconstructive response.
I put it to you that the vast majority of people would consider £80 a lot to spend on someone you vaguely know, regardless of income.
Just return it and get something cheaper.

I'd spend that sort of money on DP but not on a step-grandfather.

I've only read your posts, OP, but it does seem you're being a little unreasonable. It sounds like you and your DH haven't had a discussion around current budgeting needs, so that's probably something to address sooner rather than later. If you do then decide on a budget for presents, and you ask someone to send you ideas for presents, you need to specify the budget e.g. what's John like that's around £20?

I'm not sure why you are so angry at granny, it's your husband you need to talk with. If you can't afford it, don't buy it! I also had no idea how expensive perfume had got till recently. I swear last time I looked (not something I buy admittedly) it was about 30-40 quid. I recently toyed with the idea of treating myself to some. Only to discover the price is at least double that!

I think I’d speak to DH and suggest getting the smaller one - totally understandable with your explanation of the situation.

I do sympathise OP - MIL asked for expensive boots for her birthday one year - £150. We suggested to siblings to chip in which they initially said they would - then each of them bought cheap gifts instead leaving DP to foot the bill alone. I wasn’t best pleased either tbh.

It sounds like you have expected him to do what you do without communicating this to him. Perhaps take this as reminder of the importance of setting out expectations and having a discussion over it so you can both agree.