To think you don’t ask for a present of this value…

[Ruderequest]

I’m annoyed, possibly irrationally so and need talking down.

DH was stuck for ideas for his grandma’s husband’s birthday (in his 70s, younger than her) and so asked for some present inspiration from her. Today arrives a large bottle of aftershave from the Amazon delivery guy. I searched for it on Amazon and see it’s priced between £70-80.

I’m really cross. They are not that close, we see them maybe twice a year and they are very well off indeed but have never helped us out when we have been struggling in the past. I’d never spend this on a relative’s birthday and if I was going to I would discuss it with DH. We have just fixed at a ridiculously high (5%) mortgage rate and we have a baby on the way soon. We’ve never really needed to watch the cash and as such have never had a present budget but we do need one now as my maternity pay is not going to be great and we’re both trying to save as much as possible, which has been a common understanding for months now.

I’m also annoyed at his grandma for having little concept of cost?

Prepared to be told AIBU but how is best to approach this without conflict? I don’t want to argue, I’m just stressed as to me every penny counts.

I think you are being unreasonable to be angry with his grandmother - although you can rightly be angry with DH. The likelihood is that he asked for suggestions and she suggested an aftershave that her husband likes or wears, she probably didn't know how much it cost. DH did not have to go with the suggestion, he could have bought something else. You address it by agreeing a budget in future with DH, there's not much you can do about this present now, unless you return it and he orders something cheaper.

Have a google of the ratio between average house price and average salary when you bought your house, and come back to us eh?

@GrannyRose15 If you read the OP properly, it doesn't say it's his 70th, it says 'in his 70s'.

I agree OP, £70 would be outside my budget too, even for an actual grandparent, not grandmother's partner, who he's not that close to.

I would say £25 is about right, probably less. Tell him not to ask next time!

“They are not that close, we see them maybe twice a year” - could probably be why they don’t see your struggles.

Your wound up with the wrong people, his grandma was asked for a gift idea and she gave one. It’s down to your DH to decide whether the gift is to much money or not

@Tippexy , 4.5 times my salary. Interest rates were around 6%. I was on a temporary contract.

Yes, house prices have increased MUCH MORE than wages have increased.

(That doesn't necessarily mean I agree with OP's controlling attitude to her DH's spending).

Send it back and get a Boots/Amazon/JohnLewis/FragranceShop voucher in your preferred amount - "towards an aftershave of your choice".

@GrannyRose15 I do beg your pardon, I see you corrected yourself in another post soon after. Maybe I should have read more carefully too eh?

" the silent generation and older Boomers will be dying off in the next 10-20 years so it will even out and the Millenials will become the richest generation as they inherit from their parents."

Are Gen X being passed over then?

I'm Gen X. No Bank of Mum & Dad. Not expecting any inheritance.

"My gift range is £10 - £30 max, and dependent on bargains/humour factor/relevance!"

Me too, but I'm glad I'm single if being married really means having to ask permission to spend anything over £50! The couples I know with joint finances do consult each other, but that's for big spends like a new washing machine.

Looks like my graphic didn't past over. Trying again. From Reddit. [OC] Salaries vs House prices in UK : r/dataisbeautiful (reddit.com)

I’m also annoyed at his grandma for having little concept of cost?

Does the grandma have access to your Amazon account and ordered it using your money?

If not, I am confused as to why you are annoyed at the grandma and not the person who saw the price and went ahead and still ordered it.

I’m shocked at how many people are saying they’d send it back or exchange it. I’d find it quite violating if my DH decided I’d spent too much and returned my purchase. It would be a bit of a red flag moment.

I wouldn’t generally spend more than about half that on any of my immediate family, never mind Granny’s husband

The thing that stands out is your unwillingness to have a simple conversation with your DH. Viewing ordinary conversation as 'conflict'.

Why the antagonism between you? What are you scared of?

How long has DG partner been on the picture?

Because it's interesting how here a step-family member isn't worthy of being considered family but on other threads to leave them out and treat them "other" would be mortal sin

Cos tbh I know if the tables were turned I’d be defensive of my spending. As it happens we’ve had the conversation anyway and turns out it was indeed on offer.

@Ruderequest I

"I think if I suggest it to DH it will annoy him. I don’t want to seem controlling. He never polices my spending but also if I were to spend over £50 I would talk to him about it"

You've said dh never polices your spending and you don't want to be controlling so why don't you let it go this time and then have a conversation about setting budgets for future presents?

Grandma suggested that particular gift, she might or might not have known how much it cost and might or might not have known the impact of the cost on OP

It's from Amazon. Send it back and get something cheaper.

Well isn’t that completely on him then. £30 gift is normal for post people

Don't. you think 70 quid for perfume for a step grandfather is a little excessive?

There’s so much to unpick here it’s impossible to begin.

we spend about £75pp each on our parents, including my step: 88, 88 and 80 at Christmas; £50 for birthdays. We spent the same on grandparents but that was decades ago.

We have helped our dc and wish they wouldn’t buy us more than a £20 token.

There’s nowt as queer as folk.

Thank you.

And there we have it - as in 2022, full-time employees in England could expect to spend around 8.3 times their annual earnings buying a home. Nothing like the 4.1 times ratio in the 1970s.