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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think you don’t ask for a present of this value…

184 replies

Ruderequest · 15/07/2024 15:58

I’m annoyed, possibly irrationally so and need talking down.

DH was stuck for ideas for his grandma’s husband’s birthday (in his 70s, younger than her) and so asked for some present inspiration from her. Today arrives a large bottle of aftershave from the Amazon delivery guy. I searched for it on Amazon and see it’s priced between £70-80.

I’m really cross. They are not that close, we see them maybe twice a year and they are very well off indeed but have never helped us out when we have been struggling in the past. I’d never spend this on a relative’s birthday and if I was going to I would discuss it with DH. We have just fixed at a ridiculously high (5%) mortgage rate and we have a baby on the way soon. We’ve never really needed to watch the cash and as such have never had a present budget but we do need one now as my maternity pay is not going to be great and we’re both trying to save as much as possible, which has been a common understanding for months now.

I’m also annoyed at his grandma for having little concept of cost?

Prepared to be told AIBU but how is best to approach this without conflict? I don’t want to argue, I’m just stressed as to me every penny counts.

OP posts:
Roryhon · 15/07/2024 18:07

Sillystrumpet · 15/07/2024 16:05

It must be very bad indeed if you can’t afford this, it seems you’ve different views on how skint you both are, so you need to sit down and talk about the fact you’re struggling so much financially and can’t afford this.

personlly I can’t imagine sitting looking to see how much it cost, and think it shows just how hard up you both are, how does he not know this.

agree a budget between you.

What a thoughtless, snooty reply!

I wonder if she just doesn’t realise how much it costs? Sounds like she’s quite old? Your husband shouldn’t have bought it - if you’re a bit mad at anyone it should be him.

AgnesX · 15/07/2024 18:09

Sillystrumpet · 15/07/2024 16:05

It must be very bad indeed if you can’t afford this, it seems you’ve different views on how skint you both are, so you need to sit down and talk about the fact you’re struggling so much financially and can’t afford this.

personlly I can’t imagine sitting looking to see how much it cost, and think it shows just how hard up you both are, how does he not know this.

agree a budget between you.

£70 for his grandma's husband ie someone who's not even his granddad? It's not like its a big birthday either.

I'd be equally resentful, hard up or not.

Allthehorsesintheworld · 15/07/2024 18:09

£70 for 200ml bottle for a step grandad you rarely see is ludicrous it that’s what happens when you ask for suggestions.
A £15-£20 bottle of wine would have been fine.

GrannyRose15 · 15/07/2024 18:09

It’s a seventieth birthday. A big milestone. You won’t have to buy him another present for ten years. If it was going to be such a problem you should have chosen something yourself and not asked someone else to do it.

Nightowl1234 · 15/07/2024 18:10

Ireallycantthinkofagoodone · 15/07/2024 16:49

I agree with other posters - send it back and get the smaller bottle. It’s quite possible that the Grandmother didn’t know how expensive the after shave was.
However, if you thought the 5% mortgage rate is horrendous, I wonder how you would feel if you had to pay 15 - 17% as we did in the 80’s……..

Ah another one of these people who doesn’t understand basic maths. The relevant indicator is not the interest rate, but the multiple of salary to house value. In the 80s the multiple was much lower than it is today.

Roryhon · 15/07/2024 18:11

Ruderequest · 15/07/2024 16:50

What did you buy your house for? Changes the picture entirely. It probably wasn’t a quarter of a million pounds in the 80s was it?

Show quote history

That’s not a fair comment either. My house was about £50k but my wage was only £80 a week and I regularly lived off beans on toast or soup as a main meal. I struggled a lot back in the 80s and am again now. Neither time has been fun or easier!

GrannyRose15 · 15/07/2024 18:13

GrannyRose15 · 15/07/2024 18:09

It’s a seventieth birthday. A big milestone. You won’t have to buy him another present for ten years. If it was going to be such a problem you should have chosen something yourself and not asked someone else to do it.

Sorry didn’t read OP properly. Last sentence still stands though.

Obeseandashamed · 15/07/2024 18:14

@Ruderequest So the issue is not the grandma's suggestion... the issue is your husband buying the biggest bottle possible. 😬

mathanxiety · 15/07/2024 18:14

It wasn't a direct order from the recipients.

Your H should have been sensible and bought a smaller bottle. Or he should have chosen something else in a reasonable price range and not bothered asking for suggestions. Book? England football shite? Voucher for a garden centre?

This is a husband problem, and nothing to do with the people who gave a suggestion when asked.

Sit him down and ask him to give his head a wobble. He needs to engage his brain when choosing and spending money on presents. Asking people what they'd like is asking for trouble.

GrannyRose15 · 15/07/2024 18:20

Gladespade · 15/07/2024 17:08

This is ridiculous, all the metrics show it’s harder to afford a house now, and I’m an oldie so do remember.

Show quote history

Yes it is harder to afford a house now. But that doesn’t mean that the 16% mortgage rate in the 80s didn’t cause alot of hardship for people at the time. People lost their homes and went bankrupt. Young people do not have it worse than we had it. They simply feel more entitled.

Thedayb4youcame · 15/07/2024 18:21

@Ruderequest We’ve never really needed to watch the cash and as such have never had a present budget but we do need one now as my maternity pay is not going to be great and we’re both trying to save as much as possible, which has been a common understanding for months now.

So now something has happened which means you will have that conversation and budgets will be set - it is very, very common for change to occur only after an incident has taken place. In fact, it's pretty much how life works. In your case it's for an £80 gift which even yet might qualify to be returned.

I’m also annoyed at his grandma for having little concept of cost?

I'm annoyed at the trend of putting question marks at the end of statements, but I have strategies which help me cope.

mathanxiety · 15/07/2024 18:22

GrannyRose15 · 15/07/2024 18:20

Yes it is harder to afford a house now. But that doesn’t mean that the 16% mortgage rate in the 80s didn’t cause alot of hardship for people at the time. People lost their homes and went bankrupt. Young people do not have it worse than we had it. They simply feel more entitled.

Show quote history

No, their money doesn't go half as far as yours did. They don't even get to the point where they can't pay a rising mortgage or lose a home because rent is so high there's no way they can afford a down payment. It's the landlord class that is entitled.

AGodawfulsmallaffair · 15/07/2024 18:22

Sillystrumpet · 15/07/2024 16:05

It must be very bad indeed if you can’t afford this, it seems you’ve different views on how skint you both are, so you need to sit down and talk about the fact you’re struggling so much financially and can’t afford this.

personlly I can’t imagine sitting looking to see how much it cost, and think it shows just how hard up you both are, how does he not know this.

agree a budget between you.

Very bad indeed? Lucky old loaded you. Wow.

Silviasilvertoes · 15/07/2024 18:26

Iwantmyoldnameback · 15/07/2024 16:16

Can you swap it?

Show quote history

Do it!

thequickbrowndog · 15/07/2024 18:33

Maybe she meant the small bottle when giving present ideas. £30 is a reasonable amount to spend. £70 is too much imo

PaleSunshineOfHope · 15/07/2024 18:33

I bet he clicked on the wrong size. Easily done on Amazon.

SwanRivers · 15/07/2024 18:41

Ruderequest · 15/07/2024 16:10

I think you’re probably right :( but how they can’t see that we are working every hour under the sun to make sure we have enough behind us, I don’t know. I’m trying not to let it wind me up but struggling

Show quote history

Maybe because in your OP you said...

They are not that close, we see them maybe twice a year

Hedgeoffressian · 15/07/2024 18:45

ViciousCurrentBun · 15/07/2024 16:09

You have said they are very well off, thing is to them £70 may seem like a tenner.

Surely that’s irrelevant 🙄

Thedayb4youcame · 15/07/2024 18:49

Hedgeoffressian · 15/07/2024 18:45

Surely that’s irrelevant 🙄

Show quote history

No it isn't - the statement made by the OP said I’m also annoyed at his grandma for having little concept of cost? and even though there was no explanation to where they are going with this, it ties in with what @ViciousCurrentBun was saying about it not seeming a lot to the grandparents.

Testina · 15/07/2024 18:52

Ireallycantthinkofagoodone · 15/07/2024 16:49

I agree with other posters - send it back and get the smaller bottle. It’s quite possible that the Grandmother didn’t know how expensive the after shave was.
However, if you thought the 5% mortgage rate is horrendous, I wonder how you would feel if you had to pay 15 - 17% as we did in the 80’s……..

Oh FGS, not this nonsense. I was one of those with 15% in the 80s. And it was hardly all of the 80s. But there a hundreds of websites now that show the multiple between average wages and average house prices. Educate yourself. Plenty of us were still spending a lower percentage of our income on housing back then despite the higher interest rate. I’m embarrassed for you trotting out this nonsense.

Runsyd · 15/07/2024 18:52

Sillystrumpet · 15/07/2024 16:05

It must be very bad indeed if you can’t afford this, it seems you’ve different views on how skint you both are, so you need to sit down and talk about the fact you’re struggling so much financially and can’t afford this.

personlly I can’t imagine sitting looking to see how much it cost, and think it shows just how hard up you both are, how does he not know this.

agree a budget between you.

Are you living on another planet? You think not being able to afford to spend £70-80 on a birthday present means things are 'very bad indeed'? Mind bogglingly out of touch with the budgets of ordinary people.

OurDoorz · 15/07/2024 18:54

If he's bought it from.Amazon it's probably counterfeit.anyway.

MissScarletInTheBallroom · 15/07/2024 18:57

Ruderequest · 15/07/2024 16:14

He’s bought a 200ml bottle and there’s a 110ml bottle available for £30. Wouldn’t even mind if we spent that

Edited
Show quote history

Can he not swap it?

mondaytosunday · 15/07/2024 18:57

That's sounds like a reasonable amount to spend. Obviously you disagree. But why get mad? She doesn't know your circumstances if you are not that close.
Next time you ask for advice specify a price range.

Melonmango70 · 15/07/2024 18:57

Sillystrumpet · 15/07/2024 16:05

It must be very bad indeed if you can’t afford this, it seems you’ve different views on how skint you both are, so you need to sit down and talk about the fact you’re struggling so much financially and can’t afford this.

personlly I can’t imagine sitting looking to see how much it cost, and think it shows just how hard up you both are, how does he not know this.

agree a budget between you.

Well, I could afford this at a push, but it doesn't mean it's what I want to spend on someone I'm not particularly close to. I really hope this is a supposed to be a joke of some sort. My gift range is £10 - £30 max, and dependent on bargains/humour factor/relevance!