To think you don’t ask for a present of this value…

[Ruderequest]

I’m annoyed, possibly irrationally so and need talking down.

DH was stuck for ideas for his grandma’s husband’s birthday (in his 70s, younger than her) and so asked for some present inspiration from her. Today arrives a large bottle of aftershave from the Amazon delivery guy. I searched for it on Amazon and see it’s priced between £70-80.

I’m really cross. They are not that close, we see them maybe twice a year and they are very well off indeed but have never helped us out when we have been struggling in the past. I’d never spend this on a relative’s birthday and if I was going to I would discuss it with DH. We have just fixed at a ridiculously high (5%) mortgage rate and we have a baby on the way soon. We’ve never really needed to watch the cash and as such have never had a present budget but we do need one now as my maternity pay is not going to be great and we’re both trying to save as much as possible, which has been a common understanding for months now.

I’m also annoyed at his grandma for having little concept of cost?

Prepared to be told AIBU but how is best to approach this without conflict? I don’t want to argue, I’m just stressed as to me every penny counts.

Context is everything though. Did DH ask for ideas and get a range of responses like he drinks this red wine, wears that aftershave, is in to model trains etc. and he just picked that one without really thinking because it was on amazon and therefore easy? Does Grandma actually know how much the aftershave costs herself as I have some older relatives that are still stuck in their head at 1999 prices? Or if they are very well off are they just out of touch and oblivious to the fact it’s a lot for you, especially if you don’t see them that often?

I wouldn’t be annoyed at Grandma just based on what you’ve posted but I would have expected DH to have more sense. I would expected him to return it, shouldn’t be an issue if it’s from amazon, and he should instead get him something more appropriate like a half decent bottle of champagne should be under £40 and that seems far more appropriate for Grandma’s boyfriend that you see twice a year.

Oh, and a 5% mortgage rate is low.... a traditional average would be 7% or 8%. (I will ignore the fact that some of us remember paying 15%!).
If you haven't factored in a likely increase, then I think there are bigger issues to consider, tbh.

I have a £30-40 limit for close relatives, a £60-80 limit for my daughter.
If I want to buy anything over this I get others together to buy as a group. Since starting to do this family have approached me about shared gifts when in other circumstances they probably would have spent more than they have planned because there's a particular gift they wanted to buy.

And that’s fine, the point remains he clearly feels differently to you; so you need to speak to him. Not us and agree, as clearly you both have very different views on what is an acceptable spend.

Do you share a bank account completely or does he have his own money separately?

Do you share an Amazon account, did it come unboxed or did you just decide to open his mail?

Is there a chance it was on offer?

Why did you even think you needed to look it up?

Either there's a massive backstory about him not being trustworthy with money or you are being controlling.

We share a bank account. Separate Amazon accounts though. The yellow delivery sticker was over the name, so only the address was showing, so I opened it as a few parcels arrived and the others had my name on

So your husband is the issue, not them.
Is there a reason he thinks you can afford £70 when you think otherwise?

I've never heard of a smaller bottle of perfume being cheaper proportionally than a larger bottle.
110ml = £30
200ml = £70

Is this what you're saying OP?
Which aftershave is it?

You sound a tad controlling OP researching behind DH back - you could just have a conversation with him.
Also how is this GP's fault?

Grandma might have said oh anything will do and DH chose it. Why are you annoyed at Grandma. Have you even had a conversation with DH about it yet?

I'd have been right annoyed if you opened a parcel of mine (could have checked by removing label, left it until he was home to ask if he was expecting anything etc) and then decided to judge me on what I'd brought!

For a lot of families (including mine), that would seem a pretty normal amount to spend.

But, it does depend on finances, so if you can’t afford it, make that clear.

Perfectly reasonable to be cross with your husband for paying more than you can afford. But I think it’s a bit much to be cross with his grandma, who probably just mentioned her husband’s favourite aftershave as an idea, without having a clue how much it costs.

I agree with other posters - send it back and get the smaller bottle. It’s quite possible that the Grandmother didn’t know how expensive the after shave was.
However, if you thought the 5% mortgage rate is horrendous, I wonder how you would feel if you had to pay 15 - 17% as we did in the 80’s……..

It was up to your DH to decide how much to spend (I agree it's an awful lot to spend on someone you barely know!). She probably didn't realise how much it would cost - I'm always shocked by the price of perfume etc and I'm much younger than your grandmother.

What did you buy your house for? Changes the picture entirely. It probably wasn’t a quarter of a million pounds in the 80s was it?

We also didn’t have the kind of earnings that people have nowadays!

She probably didn’t earn what you did either. And yes people bought houses for that much then too.

And I'd be even more annoyed if, after opening my post, you decided to send it back!

I work in the public sector. Wages have stagnated for years.

Chances are, when she suggested it, it was the smaller bottle she had in mind anyway? Unless she specifically sent a link to the exact size, rather than "Ooh, he'd love a bottle of Old Spice"
Also, (light-heated, facetious remark incoming) he'd have got more bang for less buck if he'd bought 2 bottles of 110ml for £30 each! 😉

This is why I'd never have shared finances with another adult. How utterly soul destroying.

"...how is best to approach this without conflict?"

There's nothing to be approached. It's done.
Don't ask her to suggest a present again unless you suggest a price range.

Your DH didn't have to buy it. His gran probably didn't know it was expensive. Send it back for a refund and buy something that's within your budget.

Maybe they just asked for the after shave and didn't specify the size, but your dh chose the expensive size when he could have chosen the cheaper one? Or they could just have said "after shave" expecting a bottle of Old Spice or something

So you could buy 220ml for £60 but he’s bought 200 for £70-80?

But you don’t actually know for sure what he spent. Maybe there was an offer or discount code. I certainly wouldn’t blame his grandmother though.

Anyway it’s done now. If you don’t feel you can have a conversation about this and buy the smaller bottle, all you can do is focus on being on the same page in the future. So have a conversation, agree a rough budget for birthdays, and while you’re at it any other outgoing such as hobbies, lunches, socializing or whatever. Now is the ideal time with baby on the way.