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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Work experience and DD with men

243 replies

22FrustatedUser · 15/07/2024 10:55

Sense check please.

DD is doing work experience, had to go for an interview for it several months ago, she was asked some very basic questions about them. All went well and work experience offered.

Office is small with 4 members of staff, sometimes volunteers in there as well (small charity) - only one woman.

H is very protective of DD and started to say he was uncomfortable with her being in an office with only men around and if any visits out, a woman has to be there and not alone on her own at any point with DD in the office. To the point he was going to cancel it all "work experience has no benefit and too risky."

I have spoken to staff there, and also school (school provided a list of local employers offering places) and asked if they were enhanced DBS'd - all staff are.

DD has texted this morning and very excited to be out on a site visit (animal conservation) tmw with two men, H is not happy and wants her home or only to attend if there is a female going.

If something goes wrong, he will blame me 100% for it.

AIBU in not being too bothered about this? They know she has her phone, there will be two adults out there and they do work experience placements each month with kids from 5 local high schools.

OP posts:
DoYouSmokePaul · 15/07/2024 10:56

How old is DD?

Comefromaway · 15/07/2024 11:00

I'm assuming Year 10 so aged 15 or almost 15.

Your dh is being unreasonable. I would not be happy if she was alone with one man. But always with more than one. He needs to let go.

Stompythedinosaur · 15/07/2024 11:00

Obviously your dh is being weird.

It's fine for your dd to be undertaking an educational activity with two dbs checked men. Presumably she's at least mid teen age?

Surely she's been in a room with just a male teacher at some point in her life? So why is this so different?

Limiting your dad's life experiences because of her df's excessive anxiety issues is obviously unreasonable. Your dh needs to address his issues, not make them her problem.

Original poster
22FrustatedUser · 15/07/2024 11:01

15 - should have included that in my OP whoops

OP posts:
Catza · 15/07/2024 11:01

Your H is completely OTT. But I have the same issue with my own so have no clue how to solve it either. Personally, I think it is utterly ridiculous and is preventing the kid from having enjoyable opportunities for completely arbitrary reasons.

DoYouSmokePaul · 15/07/2024 11:03

OK, he’s being ridiculous! Totally bizarre reaction. What if she had one on one music lessons with a male teacher? Or sports coach? He needs to calm down.

I would try and calmly talk sense into him. She’s growing up, doing new things, you have to cut the apron strings.

MissUltraViolet · 15/07/2024 11:04

Your DH is being utterly ridiculous.

Original poster
22FrustatedUser · 15/07/2024 11:04

DoYouSmokePaul · 15/07/2024 11:03

OK, he’s being ridiculous! Totally bizarre reaction. What if she had one on one music lessons with a male teacher? Or sports coach? He needs to calm down.

I would try and calmly talk sense into him. She’s growing up, doing new things, you have to cut the apron strings.

Edited

That's school so that's different from his perspective.

OP posts:
HcbSS · 15/07/2024 11:04

Your husband is disgusting and controlling. He needs to wind his neck in. Your daughter is doing something great by getting work experience and is clearly enjoying herself. Just because he can’t control her he can’t hold her back.

redalex261 · 15/07/2024 11:05

He needs to get over himself. Your daughter will have to sometimes be alone with males as she grows up and moves into work. These men have enhanced checks, which is more than will be in place anywhere else she may end up working. What does he anticipate happening? What happens if she gets a part time job in the holidays? Will she only be allowed to take shifts if there are other females on shift?

Unless there is some kind of mad back story to this he is being very unreasonable (and will be making her very afraid and suspicious of every male she encounters).

DoYouSmokePaul · 15/07/2024 11:05

22FrustatedUser · 15/07/2024 11:04

That's school so that's different from his perspective.

Show quote history

I meant private lessons outside of school. Would he be weird about that too?

Badbadbunny · 15/07/2024 11:05

He's 100% out of order. You can't restrict/limit your daughter like that. If the staff are DBS checked, then that's the best you can do. You can't wrap up your daughter in cotton wool all her life.

Comefromaway · 15/07/2024 11:05

And in 12 months time she will have left school and could well be getting an actual job/apprentiship/part time work alongside 6th form/college.

Rewindthe · 15/07/2024 11:06

Dh is being OTT and controlling, is this more about just stopping her having this opportunity than safety concerns?
this is a workplace that regularly has students, they’re dbs checked and dd is 15 in just 3 years she could be off at uni living with guys or working in a male dominated place full time.

ACynicalDad · 15/07/2024 11:06

Life comes with risks, but this is minimal and he's going to have to learn to let go of her, she can leave home soon. Don't get to a point where she resents him and pushes you both away.

pointythings · 15/07/2024 11:06

His attitude is controlling and very unhealthy. It needs to be nipped in the bud now. Stand firm for your DD, do not give in to the tantrums. He can shape up or ship out.

Badbadbunny · 15/07/2024 11:07

HcbSS · 15/07/2024 11:04

Your husband is disgusting and controlling. He needs to wind his neck in. Your daughter is doing something great by getting work experience and is clearly enjoying herself. Just because he can’t control her he can’t hold her back.

Yes, this sounds more like a matter of controlling behaviour and it would make me very suspicious of the OP's husband.

TheCultureHusks · 15/07/2024 11:07

I think seeing as your DD has a dad with a very dodgy misogynistic outlook, it will be a good thing for her to spend time around more reasonable adult men.

Funny how so many of these ‘REALLY protective’ men think like misogynists themselves. So if anything went wrong he’d blame you, would he? Nice.

I guess it’s the takes one to know one scenario, and if he were working alongside a young woman, he would think in a certain way. So he assumes all men would.

wheretoyougonow · 15/07/2024 11:07

When you write 'very protective' please rewrite with 'very controlling'. She is 15 - this is not normal behaviour. When my children went on work experience it didn't even occur to me to check the sex of the staff.

Smartiepants79 · 15/07/2024 11:07

What an extraordinary reaction. He is going to need to get a handle on this behaviour before she gets totally fed up, moves out and doesn’t ever really want to come back.
He’s going to spoil this for her and she’s not going to forget it. The place have done her a favour taking her on and sound like they’re really making an effort to give her a good experience. He can’t make demands on how they do things. They’ll just tell her not to bother.
This example aside, his possessiveness is weird.

givemushypeasachance · 15/07/2024 11:07

Can he spell out what he's actually concerned about? Is it at the level of "they might be creepy and make a sexualised comment to her" or does he worry she'll be assaulted and murdered. Because the former, yes there probably would always be a small risk that a man might be a bit of a creep to a teenage girl if they thought they could get away with it. And sadly it would more be a case of ensuring she knows what to do if that happens. While the chances of two random men in a professional environment suddenly deciding to assault a teenage girl who is working with them as part of an organised school work experience scheme - so it would be clearly traced who she was with and they'd then probably lose their jobs and go to prison - pretty small.

Keroppi · 15/07/2024 11:08

He needs to get a grip, it'll affect her relationships with men going forward

Does he want her to be drawn to controlling men who track her movements and worry about other men around her - as this is what she is learning is love/protection

Renamedyetagain · 15/07/2024 11:09

Says more about your husband than anything else.

Seas164 · 15/07/2024 11:09

This says volumes more about your husband and who he is than the men your DH is on work experience with.

fishonabicycle · 15/07/2024 11:10

As you know, your husband is being ridiculous. And to be honest, I would be worried about his own attitude to young girls and women if he feels ALL men are perverts. People tend to be be suspicious of things they think/do themselves.