Work experience and DD with men

[22FrustatedUser]

Sense check please.

DD is doing work experience, had to go for an interview for it several months ago, she was asked some very basic questions about them. All went well and work experience offered.

Office is small with 4 members of staff, sometimes volunteers in there as well (small charity) - only one woman.

H is very protective of DD and started to say he was uncomfortable with her being in an office with only men around and if any visits out, a woman has to be there and not alone on her own at any point with DD in the office. To the point he was going to cancel it all "work experience has no benefit and too risky."

I have spoken to staff there, and also school (school provided a list of local employers offering places) and asked if they were enhanced DBS'd - all staff are.

DD has texted this morning and very excited to be out on a site visit (animal conservation) tmw with two men, H is not happy and wants her home or only to attend if there is a female going.

If something goes wrong, he will blame me 100% for it.

AIBU in not being too bothered about this? They know she has her phone, there will be two adults out there and they do work experience placements each month with kids from 5 local high schools.

Does he realise that the probable reason your daughter’s trip is with two colleagues is a safeguarding measure to ensure your daughter isn’t alone with one of them? And with a secondary aim of protecting them from any accusations of inappropriate behaviour from people like your DH?

I can't think of a placement I'd be less concerned about than a school organised placement in an animal charity with DBS checked employees.

Do you know exactly what it is that he is afraid of, @22FrustatedUser?

It's also highly unlikely that a predatory man would announce himself as such to schools or other authorities. It is also the case that schools themselves can harbour such men.

But yes, you're absolutely right, it is highly likely to be a safe environment and if the school had had reports otherwise, they wouldn't be sending kids there for placements.

My point is only that I don't think it's completely crazy for a parent to be concerned about the safety of a young girl alone with older men. It doesn't warrant stopping her, because that's controlling and abusive - but I think it's realistic to have concerns and to ensure that safeguards are in place. Most women I know have been sexually harassed or abused at some point in their lives, many of them before the age of 16, so I don't think it helps to pretend that it doesn't happen or isn't a risk.

AIBU in not being too bothered about this?

YABU, your husband is acting like a controlling pig who thinks he owns her.

What exactly are his fears specifically? That they will physically attack her and assault her? That she will have a relationship with one of them?

Funny how so many of these ‘REALLY protective’ men think like misogynists themselves. So if anything went wrong he’d blame you, would he? Nice.

This. Frankly your DH’s stance would make me reassess everything in his relationships with you and his kids. Taken to its logical conclusion his outlook reveals more about the way he looks at the world than it does about anyone else and if you go down that road it’s pretty disgusting. It says a great deal about the way he sees women and that would scare me.

To be kind to him and assume he is just being “overprotective” (which in my opinion is usually code for “controlling”) he needs to learn see the bigger picture. If your daughter is never trusted to work with or interact with men without a chaperone she will basically never be able to study or work seriously. It’s impossible to believe she will ever be able to find a job where is is guaranteed that she will not be working exclusively with men. Is that really what he wants?

Does he not expect her to work?

Gosh my work experience was at a press agency where I shadowed a male journalist for an entire week going out court reporting and other things in his car. I also went to an interview for a magazine with his girlfriend who also worked there but although this was 27 years ago (feeling old!) I think your husband is being very ott

Animal conservation? That sounds really fun, and a practical sort of job where they’ll probably be moving around all day. Can’t see it being a huge problem honestly. It would bring a whole world of pain on any of them if they were to take advantage or do anything dodgy in their own workplace to a 15 year old. Have they taken work experience young people on before?

That's bonkers. He is going to seriously ruin her life chances if he doesn't get a grip. You can't wrap them up I. Cotton wool.

I have a teeny bit of sympathy because when I was 15 I spent a week being sexually harassed by blokes on my work experience placement (in a restaurant kitchen). But that was a sadly long while ago and before anyone had heard of safeguarding.

I now work for an organisation where people really want to do placements and we have to turn down the vast majority (not quite all) of the 15 year olds who ask us because not all our employees are DBS checked and it’s a colossal headache working out how to keep the kids with someone who is for the whole
week while giving them meaningful things to do and not spending a fortune in staff time supervising them.

But overall I agree with PPs that your DH is being unreasonable. I would trust that the school has done due diligence (and you can ask them for proof of this if that’d help, I’m sure) and also have a chat with your DD about appropriate behaviour in the workplace and what to do if she witnesses anything inappropriate. But don’t stop her doing what sounds like a lovely placement.

How would DH feel about your daughter seeing a male GP or dentist, for example, if she wanted to go on her own? Or attend a hospital appointment that wouldn't normally involve a chaperone being present?

Op came here for advice and so far a good chunk of these have decided that her husband is either too controlling or a pervert…this place honestly.

anyway…your husband is being over the top, I think you should let her go, and see if you can address the underlying issues that have caused your husband to feel so worried. It could just be a general worry, it could be knowledge of something happening to someone he knows in the past, it could be anything…but I suspect there will be a cause and he just needs to open up about it (easier said than done)

also…FWIW, I have OCD and so the irrational thoughts get to me too, there have been times I have worried my son would be abused, I had to work through that fear. It’s totally ok if he is having irrational feelings, as long as he addresses them.

You say that, but at 14 I had a bassoon teacher who liked to caress my thigh to console me when I played badly or confessed I hadn't done my practice. He was the school's one and only bassoon teacher.

I love the sound of your DD's work experience and I would do whatever it took to make sure she is allowed to continue. I really doubt your H needs to be suspicious of the other staff... it's the music teachers who choose jobs that involve one-on-one time with young girls that you want to watch!

Yeah, my science and PE teachers were predictors. But still think DH is being controlling. If he has such a huge issue then HE needs to sort it because I bet everything he won’t, he’d expect you or your dd to tell the school and placement that she won’t be participating, rather than do so himself…

This attitude isn't coming from a caring if misguided place, it is about control. Interesting that as a male he feels that he has the right to restrict what she does because he thinks there is a risk from other males. So he is "good" and all other males are "bad", what a strange and medieval world view.

This

I don't think it's even that he feels he's good and all the other males are bad. It's more like, I know what men are like, because they must all be like me, and these two women are mine.

It's gross.

I hate being alone with men I don't know. They can be sleazy.

@Boreded

Op came here for advice and so far a good chunk of these have decided that her husband is either too controlling or a pervert…this place honestly

Its a simple question of a risk v benefit analysis.

Anyone who thinks the risk of a girl being sexually assaulted on a supervised conservation work experience placement with DBS checked people has, to put it as kindly as possible, a highly warped perception of risk.

The risk of this happening is infinitesimally small.

By contrast the risk of not being able to do this to the DD’s self esteem, confidence and ultimately her career is significant.

This is someone who is unable to put his daughter’s needs first due to his own neurosis. You don’t need to draw any sinister conclusions about why this is to arrive at the conclusion that his priorities are wrong. It’s just profoundly limiting and restricting to the OP’s daughter.

That's your perspective. It's nothing to do with this girl's work experience.

Which has nothing to do with the OP and the problem her husband is causing their daughter.

Well I don't think it's just me this happens to

It seems like your husband is telling on himself if he can't trust any adult men to control themselves around a 15 year old girl

Yeah I agree, but a warped perception of risk doesn’t mean they are a pervert or controlling. The rest of my post offers other things that could cause it.

I’m not sure of the whole context here, but I’m not entirely convinced that is what’s going on. Since when was a father being protective of his daughter a hugely sexist thing?