Work experience and DD with men

[22FrustatedUser]

Sense check please.

DD is doing work experience, had to go for an interview for it several months ago, she was asked some very basic questions about them. All went well and work experience offered.

Office is small with 4 members of staff, sometimes volunteers in there as well (small charity) - only one woman.

H is very protective of DD and started to say he was uncomfortable with her being in an office with only men around and if any visits out, a woman has to be there and not alone on her own at any point with DD in the office. To the point he was going to cancel it all "work experience has no benefit and too risky."

I have spoken to staff there, and also school (school provided a list of local employers offering places) and asked if they were enhanced DBS'd - all staff are.

DD has texted this morning and very excited to be out on a site visit (animal conservation) tmw with two men, H is not happy and wants her home or only to attend if there is a female going.

If something goes wrong, he will blame me 100% for it.

AIBU in not being too bothered about this? They know she has her phone, there will be two adults out there and they do work experience placements each month with kids from 5 local high schools.

It’s really not that much of a leap at all. Please don’t normalise this weird, controlling behaviour.

You may want to look at the data on this. Yes it's true but it's men that account for most of these crimes.

Anyway, adding to the OP's DH fear is not exactly helping

Your DH sounds creepy, obsessive and possessive. He’s showing your daughter how to be treated by men. His misogyny is so strong I can see it from Australia. I bet he wouldn’t behave like that if your daughter was a son in an all female environment? Sexist. And how you say he’ll blame you if anything goes wrong just speaks volumes about him. Men like this are usually, ironically, the only ones abusing or harming their daughters. So sad.

He's being ridiculous and deeply insulting towards the professionals who have agreed to offer your DD work experience.

They have to complete a fair amount of paperwork in order to offer this opportunity and ensure that safeguarding measures are in place. They do not go into this blindly and I doubt they'd be too thrilled to know that a parent has automatically labeled them in such base terms.

What is his actual reasoning? In my experience men who are over protective like this have either had someone close to them assaulted, or they themselves are creeps and expect all other men are too. If he’s not a creep has he had experience of something bad happening before? Or do you think he knows something you don’t?

Personally I think he’s being very unreasonable, she will encounter men all throughout her life and there’s no reason to think anything untoward will happen in an office. I’d be completely fine with my DD doing this work experience

And what exactly does he think is going to happen? He sounds very strange indeed

I would be the same. A young girl shouldn't be at work with all men

Why not?

Why?

It isn't appropriate or safe

The best way to deal with this ( after telling DH to stop being so OTT) is to teach your dd coping strategies. To use her voice if a man stands too close, leans over her, or makes her feel uncomfortable in any way. I taught my DDs to speak out firmly and loudly —- stand back from me please you are far too close. Don’t lean over me it’s not appropriate.
Surely yoyr DH will see that standing up for herself and being assertive is your DDs best protection. He can’t keep her at home for ever.

Added to all the other comments, I'll be he expects younor DD to do the dirty work of informing others, he won't go himself.

They have to complete a fair amount of paperwork in order to offer this opportunity and ensure that safeguarding measures are in place.

This - it's why it so hard to get volunteering or work experience for under 16s.

Your DH attitude is really odd - and I say that with a current 18 year old DD been at un last year and a 15 year old.

Though my girls were friendly with another local family and the mother was like this - eldest child done nothing since finishing school past 12 months and missed out on many opportunities over the school years due to mother attitude - younger daughter just lies - been caught out more than once but says it's still wroth it rather than constantly miss out - she also limits information her parents have about her mates and school where she can.

OP, it's not really a leap - projection is a very well established psychological phenomenon whereby a person imagines that others have the same unconscious desires as they do themselves. It's often seen when someone who is themselves unfaithful, or wishes to be, is possessive and/or unjustly accuses their partner of infidelity.

Although your DH may not act out these ideas, it's completely possible that he has a predatory attitude to women, whether consciously or unconsciously.

There is also a very thin line between 'protective' and 'possessive' - a form of sexual jealousy - which can really fuck daughters up.

Sorry, this probably sounds quite shocking if it hasn't occurred to you previously, but it's really good to be aware of these things. Well-balanced, non-misogynist men have an alert but realistic attitude to their daughter's safety and can weigh their fears against her need for independence.

Why not? What is the safety concern?

It isn't appropriate or safe

How ridiculous! In what way is it not appropriate?

I would really want to know how your husband treats women at work, or stands by and sees women at work, that he thinks it's so incredibly dangerous.

I'm guessing you don't work?

Responses like this are often due to experiencing abuse themselves. Has your DH ever disclosed anything like that? Maybe ask him gently. If so, he needs therapy and support.

I think some of you are more interested in the sexes being exactly the same than the actual safety of a 15 year old girl being left alone with strange adult men

Haha. Very good. I actually think women and girls shouldn’t be allowed to leave the house at all.

OP, this is objectively, a very safe and important experience for your daughter. No, we can’t prevent our children from befalling all harm, all of the time, but we have to balance risks and benefits. She has to be able to live her life. What else will she not be allowed to do?

You say he isn't, but he's apparently prepared to exhibit controlling behaviour with your daughter and you said he'd blame you if she were to encounter problems during her work experience.

Can you explain more about why a young person might not be safe with a conservationist on a work experience outing?

If he has not been like this in the past, I would have a talk with DH reminding him of the need to continue bringing up DD to be independent, aware, alert etc. I would firstly chat to him about past experiences, now might be a time for him to open up about why he’s reacting this way, possibly pointing out that his fears could harm DD experiences of the outside world if he continues.