What the actual hell have I done? Massive mistake

[LemonCurdLucy]

Trying to keep this vague as it's outing.
Distant relative, early twenties, is going to move to my city. I offered a place at mine whilst she finds a flat. It will be for a month, and I'll be away for a lot of the time.
She popped over yesterday and ended up staying for a few hours. Spoke about her feelings a lot.
Now I'm concerned that I'm going to end up as some sort of agony aunt.
She's very vulnerable and hasn't lived on her own before. Recently cut ties with all of her family. I'm late thirties.
I feel like it's going to be a month of late nights, her talking at me endlessly, coming home drunk and me picking up the pieces.
Not only that she told me that she's just lost her job so she's going to move with presumably the intention of finding a job and finding a house, which might take a lot longer than a month.
I don't want to let her down but I don't think I can do this.

You need to set some ground rules now.

You don’t have to do it. Honestly.

Best thing you can do is be very clear. She needs help, and if you’re willing to give it that’s great, but make it clear your living as two separate people, and she isn’t to stumble in drunk all the hours. Also you won’t be staying up late chatting all night. I’m sure she will be grateful for the help so to follow your rules won’t be a problem. See how she reacts and go from there.

Im all for helping friends, but I’d make it clear I’m not sociable in doors and would like to pass like ships in the night. My friends know I’m an unsociable person though and like my space.

If she is vulnerable, I would let her come but set clear rules and boundaries.

These will be helpful for her anyway.

Do not let this emotional vampire across the threshold

Pull out now. Like today.

Could you tell her that she can’t stay with you until she finds a job. How is she going to move on after a month if she’s no job - has she savings to cover rent and a month’s rent in advance.

Tell her housing her without a job is different from one month’s flat search. Tell her to get back in touch when she has a job and you’ll see if you’re available then. (And when/if she does say that you can only do a couple of weeks.)

What is her set up at the moment? Can she not seek a job and only move in when she has something?

It’s not too late to say you’ve realised it’s not a good idea.

Cheeky of her to assume she can still move in without an income.

My friend did this for a relative. He was meant to stay for 2 weeks. He stayed for several months and she really struggled to get rid of him. He was up all night, very messy, making noise when she was WFH. I honestly would pull out now.

Have you checked the rental market locally to you? Nearby to us you need a good wage with at least a few months history of payslips, good credit check and depending on wage also 6 months rent upfront (as well as a high damage deposit).
Even if she finds a good job and has savings it'll likely take at least 3-4 months to have enough pay slips.

@SummerSnowstorm that's my worry, it's ultra competitive here too

I would go to a few estate agents with her to give her some perspective.
Council housing might realistically be her only option.

I think you need to be straight. "Oh that's bad news about your job. I guess we'll have to put the month's stay and house hunt on hold until you've got one secured as you won't be able to rent without one."

If she's cut ties with all of her family, then either they're toxic or she's toxic. If it's the rest of the family, I'd be inclined to let her stay and be supportive. If it's her then you'd be crazy to let her stay.

@Springadorable that's a really good way of putting it

Why did you invite a distant relative to stay with you for a protracted time, before you knew what she was like? I know it's a bit late to ask you now but what possessed you in the first place?

You are right...she is going to be hard work for you and she will not be ready to leave after a month.

This c

She is not going to be able to rent if she doesn't have a job, so the basis of this entire proposition is out the window. It sounds as though she doesn't have a clue as to how life works yet.

You need to tell her this plan is no longer viable. Tell her right now.

This.

At the very least get her to sign a contract. Ideally get out of it!

And this.

You can stop this before it starts. Do so.

@pictoosh well her job was an hours drive away so I thought she would be out most of the day and tired/happy to chill when she got back. Now without a job it's clear she wants a month of partying, finding a new social group etc. I don't begrudge her that, we were all young, but I can't put my kids through that in the summer holidays.

She will struggle to rent without an established job reference.
Not a chance I would go forward with this.
It could be 6+ months.

A month of partying/ hanging out....snd you have children off?

Kill it dead.
She's a bit of a CF and they are not easy to get rid of.
She is not your responsibility.

I’d use the lack of job as an excuse to say no.