What the actual hell have I done? Massive mistake

[LemonCurdLucy]

Trying to keep this vague as it's outing.
Distant relative, early twenties, is going to move to my city. I offered a place at mine whilst she finds a flat. It will be for a month, and I'll be away for a lot of the time.
She popped over yesterday and ended up staying for a few hours. Spoke about her feelings a lot.
Now I'm concerned that I'm going to end up as some sort of agony aunt.
She's very vulnerable and hasn't lived on her own before. Recently cut ties with all of her family. I'm late thirties.
I feel like it's going to be a month of late nights, her talking at me endlessly, coming home drunk and me picking up the pieces.
Not only that she told me that she's just lost her job so she's going to move with presumably the intention of finding a job and finding a house, which might take a lot longer than a month.
I don't want to let her down but I don't think I can do this.

If she will chat 24/7 chances are she won't freak out if you state your needs clearly. For example "I need some quiet time, I'm going to do xxxxx for an hour, please don't disturb me".

She may not manage to pick up on hints.

I think because you have kids, it’s actually very simple. You will need to talk to her about how she plans to find accommodation with no job. Tell her that it’s the summer holidays so you will need quiet in the evenings and you will need energy to entertain the children. The kids will need at least a week to get back into routine before school starts again so you will need her to be leaving on ?25th August. If she is is thoughtful then she will understand. She may need to lower her expectations and move into a shared house to find a ready made social group.

It sounds as though you're finding reasons not to stand up for yourself because you're afraid to. Earlier you said that you're a 'coward'. Don't identify yourself like that. I had a situation years ago where I was afraid to ask someone to leave and justified it to a friend by saying, 'I'm just going to treat it as a life challenge to put up with having her here'. The friend said, 'Yes, but it's much more of a challenge to ask her to leave, isn't it?' That spurred me on, I asked her to leave, and I never regretted it.

As for 'she needs that solid base right now. She's going through a lot', that absolutely isn't your problem. You and your family are your priority. Don't forget your thread title, LemonCurdLucy: 'What the actual hell have I done? Massive mistake.

You already know what you need to know. Take back your own agency, and we'll all be here to support you.

“As for 'she needs that solid base right now. She's going through a lot', that absolutely isn't your problem. You and your family are your priority. Don't forget your thread title, LemonCurdLucy: 'What the actual hell have I done? Massive mistake. ”

This. Harsh as it may sound, She’s not your responsibility. I can see you’re caving.

Don’t be that person who posts in three, six , twelve months complaining of the squatter in their midsts. As people have said upthread, it’s easier to put a stop to this before they’ve stepped over the threshold .

One night is very different to a few months.

Once she has moved in it will be very different.

THE ROAD TO HELL IS PAVED WITH GOOD INTENTIONS

She's coming to stay on Friday for a night and I'm going to see how that goes

I'd honestly be very careful - especially given your dislike of "confrontation" - that this doesn't turn into her staying "Just until ..."

Same with all the suggestions about letting her stay but putting in ground rules, the issue being that folk can easily hear the "You can stay" bit but not the rest

The girl will be putting her best foot forward, trying to be great with the kids &c to create a good impression.

It won't last.

Once she's embedded in to your house with no job, it will be the devil's own job to get her out.

Your choice, OP, but your inner voice is cautioning you.

That little voice is rarely, if ever, wrong.

Yeah she definitely won't be handed a flat instantly, but it's far more realistic that she will end up with her own place through the council housing process than by attempting to privately rent given the picture painted.

She will be on her best behaviour for now, so I would be wary of expecting that to continue long term if she moved in. I'd tell her that you've reconsidered her staying but can offer to help her find a job and allow her to stay for the odd night.
If she really wants to change her life with this move then she will find a job and accomodation herself, and not having your home to live at could well be the encouragement she needs

When she moves in, you set some ground rules (or let her know ahead of her moving in that these are the ground rules and she's welcome to stay but you're not going to be upending your life just because she has rocked up).
Set realistic rules such as no smoking in the house
Unless by prior notice, no overnight guests and overnight guests only stay one night.
No drugs etc.
Oh, and btw, I'm not sitting up having girly chats or whatever - I have work in the morning so I expect the place to be quiet after 10pm or something similar.

Would that work?

If she's homeless when she goes to them they have a duty to find her accommodation, so initially that is b and b or similar. Eventually they need those spaces clear so do move people into flats or move them on through schemes such as council contracts with private landlords.
Not many people choose it, as invariably they will end up in sub optimal housing throughout, but with or without a child they are ultimately housed somewhere.

In a situation like this with no job reference, no family support, potentially social struggles which will make employment continue to be a challenge in the future it's possibly going to be the only long term affordable housing option too.

It’s a kind thing to do. I think laying down ground rules is the best. She has to have an end date communicated to her. Even if she can’t move into her own place as she planned due to finances or whatever, she has to find something (sharing with friends or live with other relatives).

Do you need an au pair over the summer holidays? If so this could work well.

At the very least get her to agree to some babysitting or other help with the kids in return for letting her stay.

If she has to be up early with the kids she probably won't want the late nights.

That's quite risky though isn't it. I mean, you can almost hear the excuses now when it's time to leave. It's a lot harder to get someone out than it is to say no in the first place.

Why did she fall out with her family?

I had a similar experience with a relative and they did have a job! Turned out they had issues with substance abuse of various kinds and what I'd thought was meant to be Monday to Friday turned out to be all the weekends too! It was a really bad experience and has put me off having a lodger ever again. All my instincts were telling me no, but other family members coerced me into offering help, funny how none of them wanted to do it... I learnt a very valuable lesson OBEY YOUR INSTINCTS. As a single woman, my home is my sanctuary and I'd never let myself be manipulated into feeling unsafe like that again.

...And what's wrong with that?
I just hope we don't all see you posting again in 6 months time saying that she won't leave and you're ar the end of your tether

Considering your update and how she is actually nice and thoughtful, maybe let her stay but just lay out some ground rules, that you need regular quiet time or family time with just the kids to recharge your batteries or to nurture your other relationships.

I think Gen Z are fairly sympathetic to mental health and social anxiety issues so if you have a talk with her before she moves in about your concerns and wishes she may be receptive to giving you the space you need whilst shes living with you. Xx

I think honest communication is key, you can also ask her about her expectations and what happens after a month. Xx

If you can't have these honest conversations with her though I think you need to back out of the arrangement.

I wouldn’t agree to it without her having a job and that is a reasonable stance to take. She may not find a job and may not be able to afford rent. You would be foolish to let her move in given these new circumstances

Tbh you need boundaries and rules when your children go to high school, they come home with waif and strays. You also need to get them to understand that you are a person with needs. This could be good practice.

You sound like you're caving.
Just remember that as difficult as you are finding it to say no to her moving in, it's going to be a million times harder to tell her to leave when that month turns into longer, she is not in a position to get a job, a flat and a deposit within that time frame.
Do you think you would have the courage to ask her to leave after a month if she had no job, no money, no references, and no way of getting a flatshare? Could you throw her out knowing you would make her homeless?

Much easier not to get into that situation in the first place.

Having a job and a deposit ready to go should be the bare minimum in allowing her to stay, then at least you know she has a realistic chance of not staying more than a month.

It’s funny how you go from What the hell have I done massive mistake, to ah well she is a nice girl I’m sure it will all be fine.

You'd be an idiot to let her stay

Can't wait for the updates when she's moved in 🍿 😬