What the actual hell have I done? Massive mistake

[LemonCurdLucy]

Trying to keep this vague as it's outing.
Distant relative, early twenties, is going to move to my city. I offered a place at mine whilst she finds a flat. It will be for a month, and I'll be away for a lot of the time.
She popped over yesterday and ended up staying for a few hours. Spoke about her feelings a lot.
Now I'm concerned that I'm going to end up as some sort of agony aunt.
She's very vulnerable and hasn't lived on her own before. Recently cut ties with all of her family. I'm late thirties.
I feel like it's going to be a month of late nights, her talking at me endlessly, coming home drunk and me picking up the pieces.
Not only that she told me that she's just lost her job so she's going to move with presumably the intention of finding a job and finding a house, which might take a lot longer than a month.
I don't want to let her down but I don't think I can do this.

Spring is bang on the money, @LemonCurdLucy . She can't possibly rent without a job; no landlord will touch her with a bargepole.

"Give me a ring when you've found your new job and I'll start keeping an eye out for rentals for you. You're still welcome to stay for a week or two once you start a new job until you get a moving date for a houseshare or flat."

If she tries to say she'll come to stay and look from yours, reply with, "that's unlikely to be sorted in under a month and it would be unfair on the kids to have someone staying in their home so long without a moving out date. It's just not practical. When you've got a new job sorted, ring me."

And then repeat ad nauseum in the face of her objections. "It's impractical" is vague enough not to have specific objections she can overcome whilst politely saying it's not possible.

If she keeps on at you, express sympathy with her difficult situation and that you hope it all resolves itself soon, but do not get sucked in to entertaining the idea that your home is the solution to her problems.

Can she babysit for you during summer holidays or smth ? Of course if u need childcare.
U need to set ground rules and stick to them. No coming later than x, no coming drunk, cleaning after herself, basic stuff...

Where is this person currently living, have they already given notice?
Will they even be able to continue living there without a job?

I would definitely back out and send the message @Springadorable wrote.

If you're happy for her to stay if she's not emotionally dumping that's one thing but if you actually don't want ther to stay now her circumstances have changed that's another.

You could ask what her plan is "Now you're not working just wondering what you were thinking as you were planning to stay for a month while you found somewhere but if now you need to find a new job first then that's probably not going to work"

See what she says.

If she does stay and is emotionally draining just be honest about emotionally dumping. Tell her you will help her out by letting her stay but you have a routine - work, bed early, children etc and you do still need time for yourself.

I'd find it really hard having someone in my home and in my space every night.

yup, with no job and not ties to the area, zero chance.

I've done this twice and it's really really fucking hard. My guests weren't particularly annoyed/ had bad habits, but it was just really uncomfortable. Definitely wouldn't recommend it, sorry.

From what OP has said, this girl has never lived independently- so is staying with her parents {whom she has gone zero contact with}

That in itself is a big concern.

Recently cut ties with all of her family.

I expect she will be cutting contact with you soon as well. That might as well be now, because you’ve said no, rather than after living rent-free in your house for 6 months.

Why did she lose her job?

I'd say that you think it best if she stays where she is until a new job is sorted, as you can't put her up indefinitely and it may take longer than four weeks for her to get sorted.

I'd also, at the first sign of you being used as an Emotional Support Human, cut in and say kindly and very firmly, that you are simply not equipped to help deal with this. That you have your own problems and not a lot of emotional space for someone else's and that she deserves professional support and advice that you can't give. I wasted years of my life providing needy people with support while they drunkenly ranted all night long or called me at stupid o'clock. I missed job interviews, got into trouble at work. It took about a decade for me to realise it was not unkind to say: you need professional help I am unable to give, and to stand down and set boundaries.

It's possible to be kind and sound concerned and just spell it out to her: you need proper help right now. All lives come unstuck at some point, there's no shame in it, but sofa surfing at mine is simply not what you need right now, nor can I cope with it. Get on track mentally, financially, and if you do decide to house hunt here, you are welcome to stay for a short while but right now it's clear you need professional support.

The only reason to need to move to your area was this job, which no longer exists.
So you've no obligation to house her as the situation has changed.
As others have said, you can placate her by saying if she still wants to live and work in your area, then once she's working you can review the situation. (By which time you'll have aquired a 'lodger' that happens to spend a lot of time away from the house)
It was only ever meant to be for a month, so withdrawing it is hardly making her permanently homeless unexpectedly.

Wow

This ^^

At the very least I'd want to know why she lost the job and why she fell out with her entire family.

I had someone in my house for 5 months that was supposed to be there for 2-3weeks. The only thing that saved me was Covid she HAD to go back to her home country.

it was absolutely awful and I would never do it again.

OP needs to put her own oxygen mask on first.

Lots of sensible advice - she’s not moved in yet and you can easily set ground rules or pull out completely. Probably the sensible option to do the latter. You can do this in a kind but firm way

If she is vulnerable, has cut ties with all other family and is unemployed I think you are in for a lot of trouble. Tell her the goal posts have shifted now you know she's unemployed. She will absolutely not be able to find her own place without employment and you will be stuck supporting her emotionally and financially for god knows how long. It will impact your whole family. Your kids come first not this relative.

You're also a mother. Your first duty is to your children. You can't have this person coming home drunk, being at home all day and goodness knows what else. @JurassicClark has excellent wording you can use.

Unless there's going to be some massive backstory about her parents being abusive or similar, the girl isn't homeless or in danger. There's no need to #bekind.

Do the right thing by your own family. Don't set yourself on fire to keep others alight. Especially when there's no benefit in doing so other than succumbing to your own cowardice.

Back out now before you can't.you absolutely can.

Omg you have kids??
You absolutely cannot have this around them.

With respect to both parties involved. Just be honest with yourself and your relative. If the shoe was on the other foot, how would you expect to be treated if you was in the same predicament? Only you know the true answer to that. I wish you well whatever the outcome.

Tell her she needs to find a job first, before moving! She won't be able to find somewhere to live until she does so it won't be short term at all.

You have a family home, not a party house. If she wants to find a new social circle then the best way to start would be finding a job and moving into a house share. She doesn't sound like a suitable housemate at all!

It's very kind of you to make this offer. I can imagine how you are feeling havi g changed your mind. I would send an email explaining exactly how you feel having had time to consider all the implications especially as she has lost her job.

Just say no, that you were happy to do it for a month or two while she found her feet in a job but not while she’s partying as it’s completely inappropriate for your children.

Are you serious? 😂😂😂

In whose universe does a single person with no children, presumably no major disabilities and not a care leaver as far we know, get council housing?

Have you just woken up from a 35 year coma or something?