What the actual hell have I done? Massive mistake

[LemonCurdLucy]

Trying to keep this vague as it's outing.
Distant relative, early twenties, is going to move to my city. I offered a place at mine whilst she finds a flat. It will be for a month, and I'll be away for a lot of the time.
She popped over yesterday and ended up staying for a few hours. Spoke about her feelings a lot.
Now I'm concerned that I'm going to end up as some sort of agony aunt.
She's very vulnerable and hasn't lived on her own before. Recently cut ties with all of her family. I'm late thirties.
I feel like it's going to be a month of late nights, her talking at me endlessly, coming home drunk and me picking up the pieces.
Not only that she told me that she's just lost her job so she's going to move with presumably the intention of finding a job and finding a house, which might take a lot longer than a month.
I don't want to let her down but I don't think I can do this.

Point out that it would be insane to move without having a job lined up, she shouldn't limit her job-hunting to your area anyway, and tell her the visit is on ice.

A job in your city would be a basic ground rule. It’s fine for her to stay the night before an interview, but if she moves in with no income then she won’t be able to get a flat and you will be stuck with her. Are you in touch with her family? Where does she live now if not with them?

No…it’s because she isn’t working that it is no longer viable for her to stay, tell her you’ll rethink it when she has a job.

Yes, this.

Tell her you think trying to now find both a job AND housing in a month is not enough time and you can’t accommodate her for longer than a month so you’d rather not.

Lots of rentals will want proof that she’s been in current employment for at least 3 or 6 months anyway, so even if her job situ resolves quickly, the housing side of things won’t necessarily.

Presumably she was moving for the job that she no longer has, so no need to move.

I would not give ' ack word' but I would make sure she knows it is for a month only ... I'd be having somebody else coming to stay then!

I think you need to have a conversation with her where you say we both need clarity about this arrangement .

Then you can outline what you thought her situation would be and how that worked for you for up to a month,

Than you can point out her situation has changed, so has the way it works for you. Be specific about dates etc.

It's already a mess as presumably you offered when she had a job.

But somewhere after that she has lost her job, not sure if you know why.

I would retract the offer and say she can stay when she has a job secured. Honestly I think you have to be really blunt even if it comes across as rude that you just can't handle having someone jobless - you thought she would be out at work and you need your space.

If you take her now you are just likely to enable some bad behaviour, then kick her out before she has had a chance to get sorted. It could be quite a bad situation.

Having been in this position you need to set a maximum time limit now, ie one month. It’s much harder to do once person is living with you. Even say another friend is coming if easier.

I think she might be expecting you to be a surrogate parent
Tell her today, she needs to get a job first, and then you'll think again.
Why is she estranged from her family?

I think it's really worrying that she's cut ties with the rest of her family and is now hoping to descend on you, OP. Perhaps it's just my social circle, but there seem to be a lot of fragile and demanding young people in their early 20s who need a lot of support to get them launched.

Would something like this be possible?
'It was great to catch up with you the other day, Emily, but I hadn't realised that you don't actually have a job. The work situation here is pretty competitive and it could take three months before you find a job and then longer to find somewhere to live. I can only offer you four weeks here. I'm not in a position to accommodate you for longer. I think we need to put a hold on your coming here until you have a firm plan for how this is going to work'

With no job she will not be able to rent and a letting agency will want six months in employment or a double -at least deposit which she will not have with no job. You could be stuck with her for months as first she will need Sri find a job then save for a deposit … you would be mad to allow this plan to go ahead.

Set rules straight away and say if they are broken she has to leave

Why does she want to move where you are if she has no job? And who will she party with if she doesn't know anyone?

Is she a nice girl?

How close of a relative is she?

It might not be nearly as bad as you think.

Do lay some ground rules though.

Distant relative, early twenties, is going to move to my city.

If you lose your job, surely all plans are now on hold until you secure another one.

OP forget about you, you have to advocate for your children and put your big hard arse Mummy hat on. Your children will not have a good summer holiday with a 20 something year old using their home as a drunken graduate crash pad over summer. Just tell her it's on hold until she gets a job since she can't house hunt without one and she has to get her ducks in a row first as you aren't her mother.

Also why has she cut ties with the rest of her family?

So if she was coming to stay for a month I assume she had a deposit and references etc to get a flat. If she has now lost her job, will that money go on everyday expenses? How will she be able to get a deposit etc again.
If she comes she will definitely be there more than a month. She has to get a job, they usually want references and evidence of payslips to rent. you're looking at 3 to 4 months minimum IF she got a job straight away, but realistically you're looking at 6 months probably more.
Incidentally, why did she lose her job? She cut off her family, and now lost her job! The common denominator here is her. You are inviting drama into your life.
Big fat no from me.

You are inviting drama into your life.
Big fat no from me

This

Hows she going to go clubbing and partying , does she know people in your area or is she hoping that you'll be her introduction .?

Listen OP, my SIL moved in with us for 6 months and it was a nightmare.

The fact that your relative has cut ties with her family rings alarm bells everywhere for me.

After my terrible experience with the aforementioned SIL I am not letting anyone else in unless it’s a visitor with a return flight.

I would not do it. Sorry

You need to understand that with no means of supporting herself financially, once she crosses your threshold, any time limit you place on her staying with you goes out the window. I speak from bitter experience! You can say "a month" but once that month is up what then? You ask her to leave, she says she has no money and nowhere to go. What then? Are you realistically going to put all her stuff in bin bags, chuck it out on the street and change the locks? Sure, that's what posters on here might tell you to do but few would in reality. As difficult as it might be to tell her you've changed your mind, it will be a lot more difficult to tell her to leave your home once she's got her feet under the table and insists she has no other options.

Let's look at the facts: she has fallen out with her family, and has been fired from her job recently. Could be she's just down on her luck, but the fact that you spent one evening with her and found her company to be emotionally draining probably tells you something. This is not someone who has her life together. The odds of her finding a new job, saving enough money to afford her own place and securing a tenancy in 4 weeks are extremely low.

The fact that she is unemployed is a very good reason to back out of this, because it changes the arrangement from what you agreed to.

Message her now and get it over with:

"Hi X, it was lovely to catch up. Best of luck with the job hunting. I'm sure something will turn up.
Unfortunately I can't offer you a place to stay while you're looking for work, as we don't know how long it will take you to find a job and a place to live, and I'm sure you'll understand I've got a lot on my plate with the kids and everything. If you get any interviews lined up and need a place to crash the night before you'd be very welcome."

If she takes offence then so be it, it's not like you were that close before so you haven't really lost anything. Besides, the chances of you maintaining a positive relationship once she's installed in your house, living rent free and using you as a housekeeper/Mum/unpaid therapist are pretty slim anyway!

I’m in agreement with the posters who say that without a job, she is going to find it impossible to find a place to rent/buy as she has no secure income. You could well find yourself with a long term lodger staying with you rent free for however long it takes for her to not only find a job but then prove to prospective landlords that she has a reliable, steady income by providing copies of recent payslips.

I think that you are going to have to back out of this one, or it’s going to become difficult all round.

You need to turn up with more than your bags if you want the council to provide you with emergency housing! You also need proof you’ve been made homeless through no fault of your own (not just a letter from your landlord but an actual Section 21 eviction notice) and proof that you’re vulnerable - by which they mean too vulnerable to sleep in the streets. Even then they’ll argue over the definition of vulnerable - I know people who had to prove they were not just mentally ill but actually suicidal before the council would even look at their application. It’s grim.

Can you speak to someone else in the family to get the back story of why she's fallen out with them all?