What the actual hell have I done? Massive mistake

[LemonCurdLucy]

Trying to keep this vague as it's outing.
Distant relative, early twenties, is going to move to my city. I offered a place at mine whilst she finds a flat. It will be for a month, and I'll be away for a lot of the time.
She popped over yesterday and ended up staying for a few hours. Spoke about her feelings a lot.
Now I'm concerned that I'm going to end up as some sort of agony aunt.
She's very vulnerable and hasn't lived on her own before. Recently cut ties with all of her family. I'm late thirties.
I feel like it's going to be a month of late nights, her talking at me endlessly, coming home drunk and me picking up the pieces.
Not only that she told me that she's just lost her job so she's going to move with presumably the intention of finding a job and finding a house, which might take a lot longer than a month.
I don't want to let her down but I don't think I can do this.

Don't start what will be messy to finish.

Her circumstances have changed and therefore so have yours don't do it End the expectations NOW

Well tell her that ( A ) her situation re: the job has changed, and that you therefore are worried as you cannot see her getting a place within a month, therefore your offer to host for a month has been retracted based on her change in circumstances

or ( B ) her situation re: the job has changed, and that you therefore are worried as you cannot see her getting a place within a month, therefore your offer to host for a month is very much one month only, based on her change in circumstances.

I should say that I recently made an offer to someone for something, the other person moved the original boundaries, and stupidly instead of withdrawing my offer I fannied about finding another way to make it all work while also keeping the other person at arms length, much to my disadvantage. Alas my desire not to "let the person down" as I saw it overtook ever other part of my thought process.

I had this - they stayed for a lot longer. Kill
this now Op.

You have agreed to help with a good heart but you have your own DC to put first.
Having a young relative with no job and emotional issues, who you don’t really know, living in your home with no plan of action you are inviting disaster.
It is now going to cost you money and time that would be better spent on your own family.
There are some resourceful young people out there who are working and would really just stay a month and be glad of the room.
But your distant relative already sounds like another child to look after who you know little about.
Once someone is in your home and won’t leave it’s really hard to get them to leave. If you are feeling guilty about it now imagine the ‘you are making me homeless’ conversations.
At the very least it would help to know more about this relative. Until you do, and they have a job and some plans, explain you have changed your mind for financial reasons.

Youll end up being her free ride for the next 6 months if you dont put your foot down now. You will have an extra child to look after, clean up after and buy food/cook for. No. Situation has changed. Dont allow this to happen to you!

she just showed you who she is op:

• she lost her job (was it ever reliable for her to speak of leaving?)
• still count on you to (already) pick up the pieces
• stayed and talked about herself a loooot

you need STRONG habits and boundaries from the beg:

• quiet time from… pm
• you « never sit down » before….this or that is done
• list of task she is expected to do to participate

you have gain another child :) it is a compliment so if you can, tag her alone your kids and treat her as such (adult kid). She chose you as mum model.

i may be completely wrong too though. Let us know! Good luck op!

I think you just have to be honest and tell her that without a job, there’s no chance that she will be able to rent, so the plan will have to be put on hold until she gets another job. Point out that without a salary, her current plan is simply unrealistic and unworkable, because she won’t be able to rent without showing evidence of income. Don’t crumble - and don’t let her stay with you for nothing, either. If you do, you will end up with her there indefinitely.

I'd let her know that now she's not working and unable to contribute you'll have to put her stay on hold until she finds a permanent job. By then you might change your mind wether she will be able to live with you and you can let her know well in advance. Good luck 🤞

So what have you decided to do OP? Would be nice with a follow up!

Omg no don’t do it! I think you should use this new information about her not having a job anymore as the excuse and say it wouldn’t be fair on her or you because you wouldn’t be able to house her for any longer than a month and there’s no guarantee she would find work in that time.

I think she’s trying it on massively!

I'm in my late 30s and the LAST thing I want is a 20 something drunken 'child' rambling on at me about their problems, I have enough of my own already 😆

OP where I live you have to be earning three times the monthly rent as a bare minimum. Even then it is very, very hard to find a room in a houseshare, let alone a whole flat. If you take this girl on I suspect you'll be stuck with her!

This. Without a job she's not going to be able to contribute either.

I haven't read through the whole thread but if you're near London then being single on an average wage is going to make living alone next to impossible. Even flat shares are ridiculous.

https://m.spareroom.com

Thus website us your friend. Plenty of rooms to rent.

Do Not act as her guarantor. You’ll be forced to pay the rent if (when) she defaults.

Springadore response on the first or second page is ideal - ie, no job so she has no money to be able to afford a place, (and she can job hunt from home).

How or why did she loose her job? That would concern me? Was it poor attitude? Lateness? Mistakes? Didn’t pass probation? Etc

Sharing emotional feelings shows how vulnerable she is. From your tone you are not interested in helping her. I think it's a shame that you don't want to help her while she is going through this difficult time in her life. She needs people who understand her and are willing to help shape her future, not people who want to show her the door. The choice is yours to make.

This. Take charge now, add strong boundaries. No job = no lodging at yours.

1. Set clear ground rules & boundaries as others have said. Tell her she will have to leave if she breaks them
2. set a maximum time limit for how long she can stay and be clear about it

OP you say you're away most of the time, which is why you accepted, but also that you can't put your kids through that. That's confusing.

If she's a "distant relative' I presume it's cousin/second cousin. I'd contact the person you're closest to in that scenario and tell them that as the potential job has vanished, it's no longer feasible.

Don't do it, you'll become her mommy

This sounds lovely on the surface. Having dealt with a very similar situation myself, I’d advise her to take off the rose-tinted glasses and bar the door.

I don't think it's so difficult to find a room in a house share as to find your own place to rent.

I’d help my family member in their hour of need. Everyone needs a leg up sometimes.

id just set some ground rules when she was in. It seems a bit unkind that someone has opened up to you during a really sad and difficult time of their life and you’re worried they might need emotional support.

life is really hard right now without your own family binning you off for having emotional responses to bad situations.

@LemonCurdLucy you have to speak up and you have to make it a statement and a final decision with no room for debate.

You say, it's unfortunate, that as your situation's changed, I can't offer to put you up now. My offer can't be open ended, and as you no longer have a long term and stable job, it isn't going to work for my family. Good luck with the search.

Don't mention the word sorry.

Sadly you forgot that you’re on some benefits that will be cut if she moves in, she won’t be able to after all. 😉