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Original poster

What the actual hell have I done? Massive mistake

206 replies

LemonCurdLucy · 14/07/2024 12:56

Trying to keep this vague as it's outing.
Distant relative, early twenties, is going to move to my city. I offered a place at mine whilst she finds a flat. It will be for a month, and I'll be away for a lot of the time.
She popped over yesterday and ended up staying for a few hours. Spoke about her feelings a lot.
Now I'm concerned that I'm going to end up as some sort of agony aunt.
She's very vulnerable and hasn't lived on her own before. Recently cut ties with all of her family. I'm late thirties.
I feel like it's going to be a month of late nights, her talking at me endlessly, coming home drunk and me picking up the pieces.
Not only that she told me that she's just lost her job so she's going to move with presumably the intention of finding a job and finding a house, which might take a lot longer than a month.
I don't want to let her down but I don't think I can do this.

OP posts:
Omlettes · 15/07/2024 20:18

LemonCurdLucy · 14/07/2024 12:56

Trying to keep this vague as it's outing.
Distant relative, early twenties, is going to move to my city. I offered a place at mine whilst she finds a flat. It will be for a month, and I'll be away for a lot of the time.
She popped over yesterday and ended up staying for a few hours. Spoke about her feelings a lot.
Now I'm concerned that I'm going to end up as some sort of agony aunt.
She's very vulnerable and hasn't lived on her own before. Recently cut ties with all of her family. I'm late thirties.
I feel like it's going to be a month of late nights, her talking at me endlessly, coming home drunk and me picking up the pieces.
Not only that she told me that she's just lost her job so she's going to move with presumably the intention of finding a job and finding a house, which might take a lot longer than a month.
I don't want to let her down but I don't think I can do this.

Its only 4 weeks, and as you said you'll be out a lot.
Dont let her down now, it would be terribly cruel given she'll be on her own in a new environment.
You might even enjoy it, and learn things from the experience.

mrlistersgelfbride · 15/07/2024 20:19

OP I think you need to say she can't come move in with you, as you've realised it isn't right for your children and they come first. Sorry.
I feel for you. I'm also a people pleaser who gets themselves into awkward situations. But it's better to have an awkward conversation with her than a rubbish summer where you and your children can't relax in your own home.
Do it soon. Don't put it off.
Good luck x

Gettingbysomehow · 15/07/2024 20:20

Sorry but I'd be having none of that. She said it would be a month. It's not going to be a month, it sounds like you don't want to be an agony aunt and neither would I I'm far too busy, she decided to cut off all contact with her family. Both she and this idea of living with you will be a disaster area.
Don't be afraid to pull out. You can always think of a reason.

user1471538275 · 15/07/2024 20:24

It is, as you have identified yourself, a massive mistake.

It is a mistake that you can fix - and you should be fixing it immediately by letting her know that you have changed your mind and she can no longer stay as her circumstances have changed.

If you continue, you will be piling mistake onto mistake - and it will not be just you paying for this mistake - it will also be your children.

telestrations · 15/07/2024 20:27

You dont have to do this, but you do need to pull out now or forever hold your peace

Id use the reasoning that she no longer has a job so there is no way she can commit to moving out after a month, and you're not in position to house her for longer or support her more generally

MsAdoraBelleDearheartVonLipwig · 15/07/2024 20:37

How is she moving to a new city with no job and nowhere to actually live? She’s not moving is she? She’s just coming to stay with you for no reason whatsoever.

RogueFemale · 15/07/2024 20:37

Just say no. It's fine to say no.

Beautiful3 · 15/07/2024 20:41

Honestly, I'd message her saying that, something unexpected has happened. Meaning a friend has have to move in temporarily, in an emergency situation. So she won't be able to move in for a month as planned.

pinacollateral · 15/07/2024 20:46

LemonCurdLucy · 14/07/2024 13:14

@pictoosh well her job was an hours drive away so I thought she would be out most of the day and tired/happy to chill when she got back. Now without a job it's clear she wants a month of partying, finding a new social group etc. I don't begrudge her that, we were all young, but I can't put my kids through that in the summer holidays.

OP, that's all very reasonable. What on earth is wrong with just saying exactly that?

Pancakeorcrepe · 15/07/2024 20:47

You have to stop this now before it turns into an even bigger problem but really what were you thinking in offering something that was never going to work out? You’ve not helped this woman’s situation at all. Even if the job hadn’t fallen through, you would still regret it. You need to think about the impact of your actions in what happened, it is not all on her.

pinacollateral · 15/07/2024 20:47

Beautiful3 · 15/07/2024 20:41

Honestly, I'd message her saying that, something unexpected has happened. Meaning a friend has have to move in temporarily, in an emergency situation. So she won't be able to move in for a month as planned.

Really can't understand grown adults lying like this. It's such an immature, slippery response to the situation, especially when the truth is perfectly reasonable.

Just be an adult and explain honestly why you can't do it - your reasons are fine.

PeachyPeachTrees · 15/07/2024 21:20

I think it's perfectly reasonable to say she can only stay for 1 month if she has a paid job.

Katbum · 15/07/2024 21:32

If you go through with this you will regret it. You need to tell her that it’s not going to work. She doesn’t have a job, you have a stressful life with kids. No.

Puzzledandpissedoff · 15/07/2024 21:37

Springadorable · 14/07/2024 13:08

I think you need to be straight. "Oh that's bad news about your job. I guess we'll have to put the month's stay and house hunt on hold until you've got one secured as you won't be able to rent without one."

Perfectly put

I'm also wondering at exactly what point she lost the job and whether OP's being seen as an ideal solution for all sort of things ...

OhcantthInkofaname · 15/07/2024 21:45

LemonCurdLucy · 14/07/2024 12:56

Trying to keep this vague as it's outing.
Distant relative, early twenties, is going to move to my city. I offered a place at mine whilst she finds a flat. It will be for a month, and I'll be away for a lot of the time.
She popped over yesterday and ended up staying for a few hours. Spoke about her feelings a lot.
Now I'm concerned that I'm going to end up as some sort of agony aunt.
She's very vulnerable and hasn't lived on her own before. Recently cut ties with all of her family. I'm late thirties.
I feel like it's going to be a month of late nights, her talking at me endlessly, coming home drunk and me picking up the pieces.
Not only that she told me that she's just lost her job so she's going to move with presumably the intention of finding a job and finding a house, which might take a lot longer than a month.
I don't want to let her down but I don't think I can do this.

Her situation has changed IE no job, and yours has now, you have objections to assuming responsibility her life. You will end up being the parent to a grown person. Stop this before it starts.

Stopsnowing · 15/07/2024 22:39

Just do what spring said

CedarFence · 15/07/2024 22:59

Yep: what Spring said.

Be definite

”oh no, bad luck, OK, well no point moving unless you have a job to go to so good luck with the hunt and let me know if it’s in the same area and you need to talk about staying with me for a bit”

If she says she’ll come while she job hunts “to be honest that won’t work for me as I can really only manage to host you for the flat hunting period, not an extended stay, but as I say, good luck “

VJBR · 15/07/2024 23:03

DillyDilly · 14/07/2024 13:01

Could you tell her that she can’t stay with you until she finds a job. How is she going to move on after a month if she’s no job - has she savings to cover rent and a month’s rent in advance.

This sounds sensible. It could take her months to find a job.

JFDIYOLO · 16/07/2024 00:51

No job = no chance of finding a flat to rent.

Why did she lose her job? What was the back story there?

If you let her through the door, you'll never get her out again

pointlessopportunity · 16/07/2024 06:50

oh come on…is this London? A 20 something can easiyfind a room in house share and a job

what are you all blathering on about estate agents and council houses?

pointlessopportunity · 16/07/2024 06:51

But agree with a PP…tell her to secure the job as that’s easy to fund remotely…then she can stay a couple weeks til the room in a house share is available

zebedeehadapoint · 16/07/2024 07:01

How did she take the news, Op?

Original poster
LemonCurdLucy · 16/07/2024 07:19

I haven't told her yet. She's coming to stay on Friday for a night and I'm going to see how that goes. On the plus side she's lovely, cleans after herself, loves the kids, very thoughtful (will cook for you etc). It's just I'm quite hard to live with, I need my own space etc, whilst I get the impression she doesn't and would quite happily chat 24/7. She's applied for a few jobs here so we'll see how it goes.
There are genuinely good reasons she's cut off her family. The job was unfortunate but it was partly due to time off due to her family situation.

OP posts:
neverbeenskiing · 16/07/2024 07:32

LemonCurdLucy · 16/07/2024 07:19

I haven't told her yet. She's coming to stay on Friday for a night and I'm going to see how that goes. On the plus side she's lovely, cleans after herself, loves the kids, very thoughtful (will cook for you etc). It's just I'm quite hard to live with, I need my own space etc, whilst I get the impression she doesn't and would quite happily chat 24/7. She's applied for a few jobs here so we'll see how it goes.
There are genuinely good reasons she's cut off her family. The job was unfortunate but it was partly due to time off due to her family situation.

She sounds lovely OP, but having someone stay for the odd night now and again is entirely different to sharing your space with them 24/7. Why do you need to "see how it goes" when you already know you're regretting inviting her to live with you? You could be setting yourself up for months of stress and frustration for the sake of putting off one awkward conversation.

Original poster
LemonCurdLucy · 16/07/2024 07:43

@neverbeenskiing it might be ok and I really do feel I should as she needs that solid base right now. She's going through a lot.

OP posts: