What the actual hell have I done? Massive mistake

[LemonCurdLucy]

Trying to keep this vague as it's outing.
Distant relative, early twenties, is going to move to my city. I offered a place at mine whilst she finds a flat. It will be for a month, and I'll be away for a lot of the time.
She popped over yesterday and ended up staying for a few hours. Spoke about her feelings a lot.
Now I'm concerned that I'm going to end up as some sort of agony aunt.
She's very vulnerable and hasn't lived on her own before. Recently cut ties with all of her family. I'm late thirties.
I feel like it's going to be a month of late nights, her talking at me endlessly, coming home drunk and me picking up the pieces.
Not only that she told me that she's just lost her job so she's going to move with presumably the intention of finding a job and finding a house, which might take a lot longer than a month.
I don't want to let her down but I don't think I can do this.

She won’t leave after a month.

Without a job, she won't be able to find somewhere to rent. She'll be asked to provide 3 months payslips I expect.

Let her know that she can come and stay for a month to find somewhere to rent, once she has found a new job and passed her probationary period.

Where is she currently living? What's the reason she's moving to your city and it has to be while she's unemployed?

I think she should work on finding a job first and looking for a place. She could stay with you when she comes down for interviews or viewings.

It doesn't sound like she will be getting a job and moving out from yours very quickly. Getting a job can take a while and she'd have to be working in order to rent a place.

It doesn't make sense as a plan.

She's not going to get a rental in a month without a job. You're looking at 6 months to a year at best.

Definitely do the 'on hold' until she can save a deposit+months in advance (so she doesn't lose a room for non-payment within the first two months) and pass credit checks.

You have kids?! FGS, why on earth did you ever agree to this? Immediate action is required, you have to tell her now this will not be happening.

Also why has she cut ties with family? That might be relevant

Just say that you have thought about it and it’s not going to work out with your kids and their holiday, since she now isn’t going to be out of the house working. Make no excuses.

@birchtreeoflife but that's a bit like saying 'now I've realised that I have to spend more time with you, I'm out'

Setting ground rules often comes up on MN but in practice I don’t think they work. It’s really difficult to predict what specific rules you need to set before someone moves in, so you end up being vague Eg. don’t get drunk, which is very difficult to define and easy to deny. Besides which it sets up negative expectations before the living relationship has even started, which hampers any good will.

I think in any situation in life if you find yourself drawing up ground rules for someone who isn’t your actual child then that is a sign you should avoid getting into the situation at all.

Tell her it will be fine once she has got a job. Frame it as useful advice for her (easier for her to make plans etc) rather than you are concerned that she will be hard work.

The situation has changed. She no longer has a job, which means she has no realistic prospect of living independently at the moment. Frankly I think it’s a bit cheeky of her to assume that you would still be willing to let her stay, given that it might be for a lot longer than the period initially agreed. If you’re already having misgivings this is your opportunity to say no, and stand firm.

But the situation has changed though.

OP, someone is going to be upset and pissed off in this situation.

You or her? You get to choose who!

@Tv23456 probably me as I'm a coward

How old are your kids? This could be an important factor with a partying/vulnerable twenty something.

You know there is no way she will find a job and a place to live within a month. If you let her move in you will feel even worse kicking her out after a month. This is the easier option, to just tell her now.

Here's what will happen.
She won't find a job.
You will be stuck with her.
The baggage that she comes with that made her family wash their hands of her will all be yours to deal with.

Do you want this scenario?
If not, tell her your situation has changed and your home is no longer available.

Do it soon so she can figure out an alternative.

Why has she cut ties with her whole family? Do you know the people she's cut ties with? If they're absolutely dreadful people I would help her. Otherwise I'd see it as a possible red flag along with the job loss and tell her she can't come and stay.

You have the perfect out now that her job is gone.
She hasn't a hope of renting in a tight market.
I think you need to choose your children. This is not fair on them.
You don't owe any family a month in your home to party.
Not a chance.
Bite the bullet.
You will be so relieved. It simply can't work.

And the problem with that is...?

I have reported the random unwanted poster that’s posted at 13.26.Not quoting nor shall I tag them

I’ve reported too. How random.

Tell her you feel strongly it’s in her best interests to be financially stable prior to moving and due to concern for her you couldn’t encourage her to be in a state she finds so overwhelming.

Trouble!

You have said you would for a month so I think you should stick by this. It would be really unfair to change your mind. But that was on the assumption she would have a job. Say its sad but I really can't afford to support you financially to stay here if you have no money. I agree no job = no moving in.