What the actual hell have I done? Massive mistake

[LemonCurdLucy]

Trying to keep this vague as it's outing.
Distant relative, early twenties, is going to move to my city. I offered a place at mine whilst she finds a flat. It will be for a month, and I'll be away for a lot of the time.
She popped over yesterday and ended up staying for a few hours. Spoke about her feelings a lot.
Now I'm concerned that I'm going to end up as some sort of agony aunt.
She's very vulnerable and hasn't lived on her own before. Recently cut ties with all of her family. I'm late thirties.
I feel like it's going to be a month of late nights, her talking at me endlessly, coming home drunk and me picking up the pieces.
Not only that she told me that she's just lost her job so she's going to move with presumably the intention of finding a job and finding a house, which might take a lot longer than a month.
I don't want to let her down but I don't think I can do this.

No job, no place to stay. It'd be a big fat no from me. There's no way she's moving out at the end of the month with no job lined up, and then what?

You also mention you have kids. Relative sounds like the sort of person who'll bring randoms home following a night out. Is that really the sort of thing you want to expose your children to?

Yes it is and that's ok...you barely know one another.

What is it in you that thinks you would rather set yourself up for a long term pain in the arse lodger than possibly mildly offend the same by telling the truth?

Not many people would want a distant relative staying indefinitely.
Don't be such a jelly.

Oh This sounds like a nightmare in the making.

I'd be INCREDIBLY wary of anyone who ''cut off all ties'' with ALL of their family.

It sounds like a dramatic and not very mature thing to do.

I know a person who has trouble keeping house shares.

Keeps getting into disputes and it's never their fault.

One does wonder at the umpteenth house share if there might be a problem there, somewhere.

House sharing is very hard, especially if someone is going to be kicking about the house all day, and using you as an agony aunt.

Also the drinking.. NOPE.

Wouldn't want a drinker or smoker at my house.

I think you need to say that she needs a job first.

Otherwise she'll be in your house, tight as a tick, and you won't be able to oust her.

This. It sounds like she is running away and wants a new start but without a job (and less likely to get one if she’s struggling emotionally and your city is more competitive)she is going to be with indefinitely.

If you stop it now you avoid getting stuck and feeling too guilty to ask her to leave when she is struggling later.

As others have said, she needs to find a job before she looks for a flat. No landlord is going to take her on while she is looking for a job/ doesn’t have a good few months of consecutive payslips/ proof of employment. Unfortunately you can’t accommodate subsidise her and she needs to rethink her plans until she is settled into employment.

Firm boundaries, you are not the free therapist. Check out 'Emotional Dumping'.

You have a clear choice right now. You either have one slightly awkward conversation now, or you allow her to move in and you and your family live in torment for the foreseeable future. The lost job is a gift to you. Grasp it with both hands and take it.

Plus, by having the awkward conversation now, you can show your young relative that we can have awkward conversations and not fall out, nobody dies and we can still maintain a civil relationship. You’ll be teaching her a valuable life lesson.

OMG no job! Do NOT let her move in. You will NEVER get her out. My mum’s brother moved in for a month and stayed for 6 YEARS 😱

Exactly that.

Strange men blundering about pissed-

She has never lived independently before?? Yet has fallen out with the family I presume she is staying with??

WHY were they fed up with her?

🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩

I don’t think it is a realistic option. Council houses can take years to get, there is thousands of people on the waiting list in every authority. If you turn up to the council offices with your bags and wait until the end of the day, they are legally obliged to put the person up in a b&b or similar, and being officially homeless will get you up the list. But it will still be months and months in grotty emergency or temporary accommodation, if not longer

Do not let her move in. End of. You are not her DPs who have gone no contact with her. The logistics of the arrangement have changed.

If you want to go through with it, you need an unmovable reason why she has to be out in a month.

No job, nowhere to stay, no family ties. You must be prepared that you will never get rid of her. You don't have to do this. You can be supportive without letting her move in for an indefinite amount of time.

Perfect. There is no way I would be agreeing to this-there is no end point and no guarantee she will find a job.

I think the girl was the one who went ''No contact''....probably as her parents were sick of her behaviour.

OP, please think of your own children.

It's not fair on them.

' feel like it's going to be a month of late nights, her talking at me endlessly, coming home drunk and me picking up the pieces.'

Only if you let her walk all over you.

You call the shots and make it clear that there is a nighttime curfew so that you're not disturbed. No coming home drunk or drinking in your home. Giving you space when you need it. Etc

Lock away valuables and access to money as she is unemployed.

You do not have to tolerate anything you don't want to.

This!

Single woman on her own probably wouldn't be a priority for housing I would imagine

I would definitely send something along the lines of what @Springadorable & @RhiWrites suggested as soon as you can. Then stick with it when the pleading starts...🚩

I think like a previous pp suggested, you have to kindly tell her that without her having a job, coming to stay for a month is just not feasible. Due to her vulnerability, she may not have property considered the impracticality of this arrangement. Point out that she won't be able to find a place to rent without a secure job, you aren't able to help out for longer than a month due to other commitments. Tell her to come back to you when she's found work and you can discuss it then.

I honestly don’t think it’s fair to do this to your children. It’s a situation that you already know is likely to be messy.

This! She's said "one month" to get her foot in the door, but in reality there is no end date and not a chance of getting her out within a reasonable period of time. If you can't bring yourself to put a stop to this now when you have a good "out" how on earth are you going to remove her from your home once she's firmly ensconced?

You will almost certainly be the next person she goes "no contact" with once you do eventually manage to get rid of her, and everything leading up to and including getting her out will be twisted round to be your fault in her eyes.

Exactly my thoughts.

OP will be the next ''Baddie'' this girl goes ''no contact'' with, and it's really hard to oust someone from your house, emotionally at least.

Sh won't have any ''rights'' to stay there, but my goodness, she will make life difficult for you in trying to ask her to leave when her feet are under the table.

When you are away in the summer hols, whose to know who she will be inviting over??

A whole house to herself!

Don't do it.

I wouldn't let her stay without a job to go to. She will be living in an expensive area without a job - why would you want to accommodate her? The fact you have children in the house makes it even less likely you'd want this.

"I've been thinking - you're better keeping your options open about jobs - you may well not find one in this area. It's better if you find a job then figure out somewhere to live. If you find one here and have to wait a couple of weeks to move into a new flat then of course you can stay here, but I can't offer an open-ended invitation, sorry, as I have friends coming from Another Country who will be here in a month's time."

and what is wrong with that? I think its reasonable to accept someone as a short term lodger ie they lead their own life with limited facility sharing, but to not want to be a longer term host. ie they share your space and you interact with them socially.