He stayed out to help a lady get home safe… AIBU or is DH?

[SoulSissss]

DH went out for “a couple of drinks” at 2.00pm. He text me at 5.30 and said that he’d be having another couple of drinks. He then messaged at 7.30 told me he would be home at 8.30 and also told me that his battery was at 1%. However, he then bumped into a lady he knows, who asked him to make sure she got home safe. She was drunk but not paralytic. It’s hard to access taxis in the place we live. He text me to tell me this at 9.15.

So our children stayed awake to get their goodnight kiss from daddy, but I had to tell them that unfortunately thing had changed and daddy wouldn’t be able to be home in time.

DH has just got home just after 10.00 and explained that the lady was upset about her marriage and wouldn’t stop talking to him about it. He said he felt he couldn’t leave her incase something happened to her. I totally understand that but explained that it’s not his job to babysit an adult. He could have explained that he would be leaving and could make sure she got home okay if she left now. I then said that DD was upset (suspected neurodivergent) that he wasn’t home. He said he tried for ages to get her to leave but it was difficult.

He then completely deflected and said, well if DD was so upset, why didn’t I phone him. I explained that I knew he was on 1% battery ages before hand and we had been waiting expecting him to come through the door any minute. He said “so you knew I planned to be home at 8.30 and when I still wasn’t home at 9.15 you weren’t even concerned for my safety???” I explained again, I didn’t think his phone would even possibly still be on at that time and that no, I wasn’t concerned for his safety! He began smirking and rolling his eyes.

I told him that I’m really upset at how he is speaking to me and I’d be happy if he just left the house. I think he is being completely out of order. But maybe it’s me?

I know I’ve given specific timings for messages. I’m not actually that anal about stuff, but I want to share an actuate timeline so that you get the full picture.

AIBU??

sorry if that’s hard to make sense of. I’m just really exhausted and upset.

He went on a 7-8 hr drinking session at 2 in the afternoon.

That's unreasonable.
The rest of the sorry is irrelevant.

How many more couple of drinks will he be having on Sunday? So unattractive.

He's drunk as hell, escorts a woman home (why was she so drunk and in need of an escort at 7.30 pm?) and then blames you for not phoning him to make sure he's safe?

What's he like on other days, because he doesn't have much going for him tonight?

YANB at all U.

Well you're married to the man and know him best. Is he a decent sort of guy you can imagine being too polite to get away, and would feel he needed to make sure a drunk and vulnerable woman was safe? Or is he a bit of a chancer, who'd likely be flirting and enjoying it all and possibly up to no good? Because if its the first, you're being unreasonable and manipulative using your DD to make him feel guilty because you're annoyed. And telling him to leave the house is a big over reaction. However, if he's the second, you need to address that sharpish and make it clear what your boundaries are.

You're trying to have a rational argument with a man who has been drinking all day. It ain't going to happen.

It wasn’t late and he was doing a good deed. I wouldn’t bat an eyelid if this was DH. You sound controlling.

I think it depends how you perceive him. If he’s a good trustworthy guy then I couldn’t get my knickers in a twist about this. If you can’t trust him about this, then I’d be questioning the whole relationship. I think you were out of order to bring your daughter into it, as well as telling him to leave the house. Major over reaction

I'd not care at all if dh was late because he was helping a woman in need, but then i trust him implicitly that if he said he was helping a woman who was drunk and needed help, that that's all he was doing. Sounds like you don't trust him.

I'd far rather be with a man who thought about the safety of a female colleague than one who would just abandon them.

He (an adult) went out for a drinking session, you're pissed off with him, weaponised your daughter and told him to leave the family home? Would you accept him chucking you out if you annoyed him?

Honestly I'd have been happy that he was looking out for the lady he knows. From what you've written it appears he has, by my standards, done the right thing.
10pm is not late to get home.

I was a little upset that DH kept changing the goal posts with when he would be home as we have a lot on at the moment and I really needed some help. But I was happy to let it slide. But DD was really upset he wasn’t home for bedtime and this has happened with bedtime before. It’s totally fine for him to stay out later, but I need to prep her if he won’t be here to kiss her goodnight. I’ve had a really tough few days and this was just extra stress on top of everything.

I wasn’t angry with him when he got home, but I wanted to tell him that I really don’t think he needed to stay out until the lady agreed to leave. He did the right thing to offer to ensure she got home safely, but explained that he needed to leave.

what made me really upset is he began quizzing me on why I wasn’t checking on him since he wasn’t home when he said he would be. There have been many instances of him coming home later than he said he would.

I feel bad writing this, because I don’t like to assume the worst in others and you never know what a person has been through, but this lady has a bit of a reputation locally. even my husband said he has no doubt she had other motives for asking him to stay and walk her home. But he didn’t want to just leave her incase something actually ended up happening to her. I can understand that, but to start quizzing me is totally unreasonable.

I would have done bedtime at bedtime and not waited up. As your DD is suspected ND, not going to bed on time and daddy being out made it doubly upsetting as ND kids often need as much of their usual routine as possible to happen like clockwork. It’s better to skip one thing, than to disrupt the entire routine.

In hindsight, probably better to stay calm, follow the routine, and tell DD that daddy will tell her goodnight when he comes home while she is sleeping.

I agree he wasn’t talking to you very nicely, but you were telling him to be a dick and abandon a drink woman who had asked him for help to get home safe in an area where it is hard to get taxis. In a functioning community, good men look out for vulnerable women, they don’t leave them to predatory men. You also weaponised your daughter’s distress and then when he got snippy back you told him to leave the house- that is a serious escalation. You can’t be pulling the “get out of my house” whenever an argument doesn’t go your way and you get annoyed.

I am presuming he doesn’t usually go out for drinks in an afternoon and this was some meet up or sports event or something. If he often just bunks off to drink away the afternoon then your DH has an alcohol problem and you need to address it head on.

Tbh, you’re not going to get any rational discussion from him tonight. He’s been drinking for most of the day. I’d leave it tonight, let him sleep it off, then have a talk about it tomorrow when you will get a better clearer story. Then you can discuss boundaries etc with him.

What? He went out drinking and regularly texted, checking in and informing you when he was changing his plans. He then gets in a bit later than planned but not like the next day or anything and you've given him the third degree and asked him to leave? Seems a bit harsh.

Firstly if drinking excessively and being unreliable is a regular occurrence then YANBU to be pissed off in general. But i presume you wouldnt have kept the kids up late to see him if he had form for this because you would have been able to predict the outcome in which case this probably isn't something he does every Friday? In which case maybe give him the benefit of the doubt?

His response to you is unpleasant and rude though (and possibly gaslighting) (and the stuff about having to make sure a "lady" was safe is probably BS) but he's had a skinful and now is probably not the best time to have a big row over whatever the actual issue is.

Sleep on it and deal with the problem when he's sober and you're calmer.

He did the right thing to offer to ensure she got home safely, but explained that he needed to leave.

I don’t understand your meaning here? Are you saying it was right to offer and then just ditch her anyway?

We’re also supposed to be going for a day out tomorrow. It’s a 2 hour drive away and we should be leaving the house at 9. I don’t think he’ll be in a fit state. And the day out is for our daughter who is really excited about it.

Honestly this wouldn't bother me. I occasionally go on a day drinking outing with friends as it means no late trains home, and it'd annoy me if I said 8 then said awk it'll be 9 and DH got annoyed. Timings go a bit out the window and I'm an adult, don't need to be chased and messaged when I'm out. I don't keep tabs on DH when he's out either. You know your DH, if he's a decent guy then walking the woman home is fine, if you don't trust him then maybe it's a red flag.

Would be different if he's always out getting plastered, but that's a different conversation and if the childcare mainly falls on you and you don't get any me time in return, that wouldn't be fair either. Next time just don't tell your kids he's coming home at a certain time, just send them to bed and he can see them in the morning and then no disappointment?

If kids are upset by not getting a good night kiss (from either parent) once in a blue moon, I’d be reassessing a lot of things tbh.

He should be fine. He got home at 10pm and you leave at 9am.
What might scupper the day out is staying up past midnight rowing over him being home at 10 instead of half 8.

sorry, that should say -

He did the right thing to offer to ensure she got home safely, but he should have explained that he needed to leave.

Ah. The drip feeds!

She’s suspected as being neurodivergent. I explained this in the OP.