He stayed out to help a lady get home safe… AIBU or is DH?

[SoulSissss]

DH went out for “a couple of drinks” at 2.00pm. He text me at 5.30 and said that he’d be having another couple of drinks. He then messaged at 7.30 told me he would be home at 8.30 and also told me that his battery was at 1%. However, he then bumped into a lady he knows, who asked him to make sure she got home safe. She was drunk but not paralytic. It’s hard to access taxis in the place we live. He text me to tell me this at 9.15.

So our children stayed awake to get their goodnight kiss from daddy, but I had to tell them that unfortunately thing had changed and daddy wouldn’t be able to be home in time.

DH has just got home just after 10.00 and explained that the lady was upset about her marriage and wouldn’t stop talking to him about it. He said he felt he couldn’t leave her incase something happened to her. I totally understand that but explained that it’s not his job to babysit an adult. He could have explained that he would be leaving and could make sure she got home okay if she left now. I then said that DD was upset (suspected neurodivergent) that he wasn’t home. He said he tried for ages to get her to leave but it was difficult.

He then completely deflected and said, well if DD was so upset, why didn’t I phone him. I explained that I knew he was on 1% battery ages before hand and we had been waiting expecting him to come through the door any minute. He said “so you knew I planned to be home at 8.30 and when I still wasn’t home at 9.15 you weren’t even concerned for my safety???” I explained again, I didn’t think his phone would even possibly still be on at that time and that no, I wasn’t concerned for his safety! He began smirking and rolling his eyes.

I told him that I’m really upset at how he is speaking to me and I’d be happy if he just left the house. I think he is being completely out of order. But maybe it’s me?

I know I’ve given specific timings for messages. I’m not actually that anal about stuff, but I want to share an actuate timeline so that you get the full picture.

AIBU??

I wouldn’t trust your “h” as far as I could through him .
He’s doing whatever he likes with whom ever he likes then to take the heat of himself is blaming (gaslighting ) you .

Good wife at home stuck with the kids .

This happened with my DH on several occasions. He would be out and then was supposed to come home at a certain time, but he didn’t, because he was helping a distressed woman with an abusive boyfriend/a man who had been stabbed/a suicidal woman. I do think these things happened; however, in DH’s case they were used as excuses not to come home on time. I didn’t feel like I couldn’t question his behaviour because of course I wanted him to make sure the woman with the horrible boyfriend got home safely, or the ambulance arrived for the guy who had been stabbed. If I did say something then I was made to feel really selfish.

DH ended up going to rehab in the end and he doesn’t drink any more. I hope that this was a one off for your husband. Btw I think it’s always ok to ask questions when someone doesn’t keep to a commitment. That’s not selfish.

I'm amazed how many posters believe his story.

I think this is sus

At 7.30 he's got 1%...and manages to text at 9.15?

Come off it.

Saying that you let the children stay up to “get their goodnight kiss” sounds really manipulative actually, as if you were guilt tripping him and dragging them into it.

Either :

A) He behaves like this regularly- in which case you had no business telling them he was going to be back for the goodnight kiss business, as that wasn’t fair on them and you were setting him up to fail to make a point.

or

B) This is a one off & you were genuinely surprised that he wasn’t back in time to kiss them goodnight, in which case you are being really unreasonable.

Which one is it?

If I went on a day out with friends and ended up enjoying myself and staying out longer than intended, my DH wouldn’t dream of hassling me on the phone and telling me the DC were waiting for me to come home… he’d be happy that I was having some time out with friends, and would get on with the business of bedtime himself. He certainly wouldn’t throw me out for getting home at 10pm 😂

@ShiftySquirrel You've hit the nail on the head!

I'm sorry, but his defensive response and trying to make it all your fault tells me he's lying.

Presumably he wasn't out drinking on his own, why couldn't another "aquaintance" who wasn't supposed to be getting home to ND Dd, have taken care of the lady? Or the bar staff?

Even if it's all true, he was loving being a knight in shining armour to a woman telling him about the failure of her marriage, and prioritised that over his own.

Saying that you let the children stay up to “get their goodnight kiss” sounds really manipulative actually, as if you were guilt tripping him and dragging them into it.

I didn’t tell the kids they were staying up late for him to be home at bedtime. I just let them stay up without mentioning it. Then when I really had to put them to bed, DD was upset her dad wasn’t there. I had to explain the DD that things had changed and daddy wouldn’t be able to be home to give her a kiss. Usually I would prepare her ahead of time that he wouldn’t be there as it’s a trigger for her.

Don’t let people on here tell you that you are being unreasonable.
Stand up for yourself and don’t back down on this. Your husband was the unreasonable one because he put another woman’s needs before yours and his family. Of course this isn’t right. His behaviour and excuses aren’t rational and he’s using convenient reasoning to tangle you up. Please stand your ground!
It sounds like your husband was challenging you to deflect the argument away from himself and his behaviour. Make sure to call him out on exactly what he was doing.
His priorities should not have been this lone woman. It’s a ridiculous excuse.
He must be aware that his actions were inappropriate or else why would he try to confuse you by changing the narrative to make out that your actions not phoning him were incorrect.
You did nothing wrong, let him know that it’s not up to you to ‘chase’ him by phoning him. You understand there can be a buffer between what time someone say they get home versus what time they may actually be home but 45 minutes is not unusually late. He should be actively extracting himself from a situation like that and being aware of the problems that would create at home with you and his family. The woman at the bar knew exactly what she was doing, her behaviour was inappropriate and your husband shouldn’t be playing the hero for her. How far was he willing to do a good deed for her?

Well I wouldn’t like it. Is he responsible for every woman he vaguely knows getting home safely? The woman really was not his responsibility. It all sounds a bit odd to me. I would get the kids up and go out for the day without him.

I don’t know… When DH is out, then he’s not at home. Same with me. The one at home just gets on with dinner, bedtime, etc…

To be honest, random drunk woman is an adult and ultimately is responsible for herself. Chances are she has other people she can call on to help her. OP's husband is responsible for children one of whom is neurodivergent and will be very upset if he's not home on time, and a wife who he knows needs some help. I think the children come first. Certainly when he's already buggered them about he is out of order to start criticising OP for not checking on him.

So much conflating information.

Take your daughter out of it.

Your husband went out at 2pm for a couple of drinks. On a Friday afternoon, by himself, why? Maybe I’m too old but that’s strange. Most people are at work or about to collect children from school?

He then clearly bullshits about the 1% battery because his phone lasted a couple of hours.

He gaslights you to remove his shame.

He told you he had 1% battery left because he didn't want to have to communicate with you/didn't want you to try communicate with him. If he was using his phone a couple of hours later he didn't have 1% left or he ended up somewhere he could charge his phone.

He then decided to switch it up and question you about your behaviour to divert your attention.

If it smells like a rat....

So you don't mind if your DH goes home with random women? Or is it you would never ask and he would never mention what he has been doing while " not at home"?

YABU - why keep the kids up late if you have an early start today. Agree it sounds really manipulative.

Your DH got back at 10pm, not 3am. Hardly crime of the century. Unless there is a back story then an occasional night out back at a reasonable time is fine!

If this acquaintance was a lone woman in a bad way, I’d be pleased he stuck around to check she was ok. All we hear about on Mumsnet is men being awful to women. If she was drunk and he was concerned about her safety I’d have no issues.

Do you trust your DH? I suppose that is what it comes down to. I’d believe my DH if he told me he was helping someone home.

I don’t think it’s that hard to believe, when you know that someone has a good character.

For example, my eldest DS came home later than his agreed time once when he was in his teens. He phoned me to tell me what was happening. Him and his friend had bumped into a girl from school, on their way home, who was very drunk to the point where she’d been vomiting and had got separated from her friends.

My DS and his friend walked her home and saw that she got in safely to her parents. I believed my DS and that is exactly the way I would expect him to behave in a situation involving a drunk and vulnerable female.

But, if you don’t trust your DH then there is a probably a reason for that.

Him going on about you "not checking on him" is utter deflecting bullshit, unbelievable. He knows he's in the wrong so he's trying to turn it back on you. It would be one thing him taking a bit of extra time to walk this woman home but it is ridiculous to suggest that he somehow "had to" stay at the pub drinking longer and longer out of some care for her. It also sounds like things are very unequal in how much free time he gets compared to you. And so careless and selfish of him to jeopardize your plans for today. I think you should make sure it happens anyway, if at all possible. Sufficed to say : YANBU to be mightily pissed off.

Some people have higher standards for their partners.

It wasn't brilliant that he stayed out so long, UNLESS you get pretty equivalent child free time at the pub on other days - if you do, and he takes his turn looking after the kids so you get a break, then it's fine.

I also don't think it was great he got shitty with you and made the points about you checking on his safety - but then he probably felt got at with you bringing up your daughter being upset. (I admit I would feel a bit manipulated by that too, even if I WAS in the wrong - you were upset though, I do get it).

I don't think either of you have done anything worth seriously falling out with the other one for though. If he is generally a good husband and you love him, I would forgive him but try to talk to him, when he is sober, about what you might need him to do differently if a similar situation arises again. Most people will accept some responsibility compromise to some extent for somebody they love, as long as they don't feel too criticised or judged. If he won't, you have a bigger problem than him staying out late.

The day out drinking wouldn’t bother me.i like a day drink myself.

But the story about helping the damsel in distress: wouldn’t buy that for a minute. Classic post drinking snog/whatever time and story

I voted YABU purely because if I see someone I know distressed in a pub, quite drunk etc, I would also be reluctant to leave them on their own. Even if I don't know them that well.
Not sure if I understood the full OP story correctly though.

The "get her home safe" reasoning is bullshit IMO though, it doesn't matter if they are male or female, and if the point is to get them home I would just call a cab.

He a married man with kids went out for hours on end drinking , texting saying he will be home then staying out longer, kids waiting to see dad and when he gets in he has the nerve to have a go at op for not being worried about his safety. Op probably doesn't behave like this so she doesn't need to be worried about being 'chucked 'out ...

I can't believe all the people saying this is all OP's fault, you're as bad as him, with the deflecting.

Yes, the whole bedtime thing is OTT and perhaps she should just have left him to be out when he's out, but he clearly doesn't think so as he's so bothered by the fact she didn't check on him for being late!

The man is so obviously lying, but somehow that's all OP's fault too?