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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

He stayed out to help a lady get home safe… AIBU or is DH?

283 replies

SoulSissss · 12/07/2024 22:32

DH went out for “a couple of drinks” at 2.00pm. He text me at 5.30 and said that he’d be having another couple of drinks. He then messaged at 7.30 told me he would be home at 8.30 and also told me that his battery was at 1%. However, he then bumped into a lady he knows, who asked him to make sure she got home safe. She was drunk but not paralytic. It’s hard to access taxis in the place we live. He text me to tell me this at 9.15.

So our children stayed awake to get their goodnight kiss from daddy, but I had to tell them that unfortunately thing had changed and daddy wouldn’t be able to be home in time.

DH has just got home just after 10.00 and explained that the lady was upset about her marriage and wouldn’t stop talking to him about it. He said he felt he couldn’t leave her incase something happened to her. I totally understand that but explained that it’s not his job to babysit an adult. He could have explained that he would be leaving and could make sure she got home okay if she left now. I then said that DD was upset (suspected neurodivergent) that he wasn’t home. He said he tried for ages to get her to leave but it was difficult.

He then completely deflected and said, well if DD was so upset, why didn’t I phone him. I explained that I knew he was on 1% battery ages before hand and we had been waiting expecting him to come through the door any minute. He said “so you knew I planned to be home at 8.30 and when I still wasn’t home at 9.15 you weren’t even concerned for my safety???” I explained again, I didn’t think his phone would even possibly still be on at that time and that no, I wasn’t concerned for his safety! He began smirking and rolling his eyes.

I told him that I’m really upset at how he is speaking to me and I’d be happy if he just left the house. I think he is being completely out of order. But maybe it’s me?

I know I’ve given specific timings for messages. I’m not actually that anal about stuff, but I want to share an actuate timeline so that you get the full picture.

AIBU??

OP posts:
Catmoobs · 13/07/2024 06:12

Leaving the other woman out of it, his behaviour despite it is already outrageous.

If we turned this around and it was the wife who went out ‘for a couple of drinks’, which turned out to be drinking for nearly 10 hours straight, subsequently leaving the husband to take care of the kids all day, and when she does finally get home she starts playing the victim and guilt-tripping the husband. Then the following day, is too hung over for a pre-planned day trip with the children. How is this even remotely acceptable?

Strictly1 · 13/07/2024 06:24

Catmoobs · 13/07/2024 06:12

Leaving the other woman out of it, his behaviour despite it is already outrageous.

If we turned this around and it was the wife who went out ‘for a couple of drinks’, which turned out to be drinking for nearly 10 hours straight, subsequently leaving the husband to take care of the kids all day, and when she does finally get home she starts playing the victim and guilt-tripping the husband. Then the following day, is too hung over for a pre-planned day trip with the children. How is this even remotely acceptable?

You’ve embellished a bit there! Who said he’s too drunk for the day out? You’ve also
missed the bit where he made sure a vulnerable woman got home safe.

I think all the my daughter needed a kiss good night is overdone and throwing him out is drama. The OP set herself up to be the victim of the narrative. Who keeps any child up for a parent who’s at the pub? It was always going to end up with cross words. They have a big day out today - the child needed to be in bed not waiting for a kiss. Yes, they may be ND which is why it needed to be handled differently from the get go. But to be honest ND or not, I’d not be waiting up with them for someone in the pub. The OP was looking for a row and got one.

Barrenfieldoffucks · 13/07/2024 06:27

SoulSissss · 13/07/2024 05:21

He just kept reiterating “so you wouldn’t even be concerned for my safety and even attempt to call me if I wasn’t home 45 minutes after the agreed time.” I said that, for starters, why would I try to call someone whose battery was on 1% 1 hour and 45 minutes earlier. He said “so you’re telling me you wouldn’t even try.” Then all the eye rolling etc, as if I’m completely inconsiderate and uncaring. 🤦🏻‍♀️

Tell him exactly what he's doing here. That he is deflecting to avoid discussing his poor behaviour, and you're not going to fall for it.

Catmoobs · 13/07/2024 06:28

Strictly1 · 13/07/2024 06:24

You’ve embellished a bit there! Who said he’s too drunk for the day out? You’ve also
missed the bit where he made sure a vulnerable woman got home safe.

I think all the my daughter needed a kiss good night is overdone and throwing him out is drama. The OP set herself up to be the victim of the narrative. Who keeps any child up for a parent who’s at the pub? It was always going to end up with cross words. They have a big day out today - the child needed to be in bed not waiting for a kiss. Yes, they may be ND which is why it needed to be handled differently from the get go. But to be honest ND or not, I’d not be waiting up with them for someone in the pub. The OP was looking for a row and got one.

Show quote history

As per the OP…

“We’re also supposed to be going for a day out tomorrow. It’s a 2 hour drive away and we should be leaving the house at 9. I don’t think he’ll be in a fit state. And the day out is for our daughter who is really excited about it.”

Cheesetoastiees · 13/07/2024 06:29

It’s nice of him to help the woman home. The comment about you not being concerned for his safety is either coz he’s drunk or a nob (you’ll know best!), for that but your not unreasonable.

LividLoved · 13/07/2024 06:33

The sabotaging plans by getting plastered the night before knowing you'll be in no fit state to either drive or have family fun is appalling. If he's over the age of 18, even more so.

It was also one of the first signs of alcoholism in my first ex.

Bunnie007 · 13/07/2024 06:36

Sounds like there were obviously other people who could help the stranded drunk woman ie the friend who gave the lift. Your husband I think just wanted to stay out drinking for longer and knew this sounded good! He’s 100% now trying to distract with the ‘you weren’t concerned about me being late’ All rubbish. Equally as others have said I would in the future carry on the normal routine when he is not around and ignore any timings from him as he’s shown he can’t be relied upon! If he does this often then that’s another issue to discuss, as is the fact he wouldn’t help you when you were stranded. The picture you are painting of him doesn’t sound good but obviously I realise this is a snap shot

Itstherichthatgetthepleasureasusual · 13/07/2024 06:38

Barrenfieldoffucks · 13/07/2024 06:27

Tell him exactly what he's doing here. That he is deflecting to avoid discussing his poor behaviour, and you're not going to fall for it.

Show quote history

Exactly this.
He is deflecting so that he doesn't have to explain his behaviour- drinking for hours on end and going home with another women who he " couldn't get away from".
Much easier for him to turn things round on to you when he has behaved in a very poor and very suspicious way.

Freysimo · 13/07/2024 06:48

SoulSissss · 13/07/2024 05:21

He just kept reiterating “so you wouldn’t even be concerned for my safety and even attempt to call me if I wasn’t home 45 minutes after the agreed time.” I said that, for starters, why would I try to call someone whose battery was on 1% 1 hour and 45 minutes earlier. He said “so you’re telling me you wouldn’t even try.” Then all the eye rolling etc, as if I’m completely inconsiderate and uncaring. 🤦🏻‍♀️

I agree he's deflecting, as another poster said. How do you actually know his story is true, any evidence apart from his?

TemuSpecialBuy · 13/07/2024 06:49

Catmoobs · 13/07/2024 05:47

Oldest trick in the book…making himself out to be the real victim, deflecting from his own bad behaviour to try to guilt trip you. It’s manipulative.

I would never accept this kind of behaviour, you’re not being unreasonable at all OP. He sounds rather self-entitled, especially with his attempt to turn this around on you. He knows what he’s doing.

Show quote history

I agree with this and have no clue who can think Yabu.
other than they are voting Yabu for putting up with this shit.

his behaviour is garbage.
separarely, you are right not to call and chase him. Irrespective of battery, he is grown man, if he can’t be fucked coming home it’s on him.

you really need to get yourself a hobby now. today. And ideally have gym classes / pottery / whatever on Friday nights.

Emeraldiisland · 13/07/2024 06:56

LiterallyOnFire · 13/07/2024 01:09

But they were with at least one other friend throughout (the driver) so what was the DO's vital role? He couldn't drive. Someone else drive them. Before that, they were in a pub surrounded by people. Unless he was hand pumping her emergency oxygen supply, it's hard to see why he was essential to her safety.

Show quote history

It doesn't say the driver was there the whole time. The DH might not have known he was driving and happy to drop the woman home. Perhaps the driver isn't very reliable and would have let this drunk woman wander off.
I think he did the right thing. No he wasn't nice to OP when he got home but it does sound a bit like she was looking for an argument. By the way other posters are right don't bother if he's pissed.
Hopefully he gets up soon and you are able to go out for the day. Would you be able to get her there alone? But really he should be fine if he stopped drinking before 10.

autienotnaughty · 13/07/2024 07:07

I would be annoyed /worried if dh was significantly later back than said (like a few hours ) less than an hour I wouldn't be bothered. I would assume he was waiting for a taxi/having one more. I'd be pleased if he helped a lone female get home.

If kids were in bed then there's nothing he would be doing when he got home anyway.

If he ruined plans for the next day I would be annoyed.

I'm not sure about his reaction, it sounds like he was on the defensive but it's also a ridiculous point. If he's not normally like that I would put it down to him being drunk.

Bromptotoo · 13/07/2024 07:09

Has he done this sort of thing before?

windyweather66 · 13/07/2024 07:10

YANBU OP. Despite his earlier good intentions he clearly wanted to stay out longer and used helping this woman home as an excuse to stay later.

That in itself isn't good, but to then twist it to being your fault is worrying. My OP does this, so I recognise the behaviour. It's very difficult to deal with, as it shows a clear disrespect for you and a complete failure on his part to accept any blame whatsoever. All I can suggest is try to be on your guard, or you may even want to consider if you have a future together, as, along with the earlier time he wouldn't collect you, when you were stranded late at night, makes me question his loyalty.

Sorry if that sounds harsh, but once he gets away with treating you like this, it will continue.

07whatever · 13/07/2024 07:11

Lurkingandlearning · 13/07/2024 06:07

What you had to say would’ve been best left until he’d sobered up.

I don’t see you pointing out that he’d let his children down was weaponising them. If he’d told them he’d be home before they went to bed he should’ve been. He didn’t seem to realise that so needed to be told. Apparently.

Looking out for a drunk woman is a decent thing to do. Seeing her into a taxi would be enough. I don’t see why he needed to escort her home, go inside and listen to her woes which were probably maudlin drunk blethering. Does he go home with drunk male friends and stay for hours to make sure they are ok? They’d be at just as much risk as she was.

And she might have thought taking a man to her home when she was drunk might make her less upset about her marriage but I doubt her husband would’ve sympathised. How did your husband think him going there would help that situation?

It’s all bullshit. He’d met up with a woman, maybe by chance, and went home with her. Just because he was home by 10ish doesn’t mean nothing bad happened. People don’t only cheat late at night. I think he kept changing the time he’d be home waiting to see how long it would be before she invited him to her house. The 1% battery would explain why his phone was off while he didn’t want to be distracted by you. Don’t suppose you checked that. I don’t think I’d think of that at the time.

Sorry to be so blunt. Maybe his explanation was true and just stupid behaviour because he’d been drinking since 2pm or maybe it was just a stupid excuse- the best he could come up with having been drinking since 2pm. I think you need to get an STI check and think about your situation

This.
He's gone back to this woman's house, turned his phone off/do not disturb and done bits with her.

Did she not have a phone charger he could lend so he could contact you?

Putting the blame on you for not trying to contact him.

He's cheated.

Tillievanilly · 13/07/2024 07:23

Regardless of what he was doing and who he was with. He kept changing the goal posts and leaving you hanging. Does he normally do the opposite of what he says? Then when you discussed it with him he completely turned it back on you. However he had been drinking so you weren’t going to get a sensible answer. He did stay in touch a lot considering he was out. In future maybe just leave him to it and don’t expect t him back at x time.

Willmafrockfit · 13/07/2024 07:26

will you be going out for the day today?

Plantparent · 13/07/2024 07:27

I think you're being controlling. He got home at 10pm, not 4am. I would understand if it was a regular thing on Sundays but as a one off, this is totally normal. If my DP berated me for day drinking that went on a little longer than planned, I would be reassessing things.

Your issue clearly isn't about the kids needing a goodnight kiss from Dad, if they can't go without this for one night, they will need to get used to both parents not always being there eventually. Your issue is about the woman. Your partner did the right thing and helped somebody get home who was in a vulnerable state. Would you rather she was left in the gutter with no way of getting home because it isn't his job to "babysit an adult"?

Gettingbysomehow · 13/07/2024 07:30

Typical man of today. Forgets he is a family man hangs around in bars with random women, comes home at all hours very drunk when he does come home. So unattractive. I'm so fed up with men like this.

Plantparent · 13/07/2024 07:31

The way you have also thrown in the lady's "reputation" around the local area sounds a bit like underhanded slut shaming.

Booboobedooo · 13/07/2024 07:32

SugarandSpiceandAllThingsNaice · 12/07/2024 23:42

So it would be ok for a random drunk woman with marriage issues to be potentially at risk so long as the DH gets home at half 8 instead of at 10? What about a random sober woman with no marriage issues?

You seriously think 90minutes of his time is worth so much to the OP “and his children” that you’re ok with him just ignoring a request for help?

You know that random drunk woman with marriage issues could be you or your sister, or a friend one day. Would you be ok if there was an inquest and MrSmith was like “yeah the victim was drunk and asked me to see her home, but getting home to my wife and kids by half 8 was more important, so I left her there. I had no idea she’d fall into a canal and drown- it’s only a 30min walk but I just couldn’t spare the time”

Show quote history

It’s a nice thing to do (potentially, depending on the motivation), but it’s not an obligation. I could get up and walk out of my house this evening half an hour into the city centre and find any number of pissed up people wandering about alone. I know they’re there.

ShiftySquirrel · 13/07/2024 07:33

So, he'll happily stay out to mind a drunk female acquaintance, with marital problems, for her safety, but wouldn't come out to get you when you were stranded without a taxi on a rare night out?
And 1% battery lasting hours?
And trying to make you feel guilty afterwards?

You've got every right to be annoyed! And that's without it disrupting a family day out today!

Booboobedooo · 13/07/2024 07:34

Plantparent · 13/07/2024 07:31

The way you have also thrown in the lady's "reputation" around the local area sounds a bit like underhanded slut shaming.

Well not necessarily as it’s relevant here – she’s questioning her motives in this specific situation.

(Agree that there’s absolutely nothing wrong with women sleeping with whoever the hell they want to, presuming everyone is single and consenting.)

RickyGervaislovesdogs · 13/07/2024 07:35

DoreenonTill8 · 12/07/2024 23:06

He (an adult) went out for a drinking session, you're pissed off with him, weaponised your daughter and told him to leave the family home? Would you accept him chucking you out if you annoyed him?

^ The most sensible answer. Provided he isn’t going out all the time, spending huge amounts of money that you can’t afford, or stops you from going out on occasion and assuming he’s still present for family activities, if it’s a one off and he kept in contact with you then I can’t see the harm. One night of drinking / hangover doesn’t make you an alcoholic for God sake.

“So our children stayed awake to get their goodnight kiss from daddy,” How ridiculous, why have you started this? ND or not- ridiculous.

Your controlling. If my husband basically enforced a curfew on me, I’d divorce him for coercive and controlling behaviour. 10pm curfew, your insane! 😆

Gilbertwasawuss · 13/07/2024 07:35

DARVO

Deny
Attack
Reverse victim and offender.

He is going on about you checking on his safety to make himself the victim and to deflect from his own behaviour.

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