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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

He stayed out to help a lady get home safe… AIBU or is DH?

283 replies

SoulSissss · 12/07/2024 22:32

DH went out for “a couple of drinks” at 2.00pm. He text me at 5.30 and said that he’d be having another couple of drinks. He then messaged at 7.30 told me he would be home at 8.30 and also told me that his battery was at 1%. However, he then bumped into a lady he knows, who asked him to make sure she got home safe. She was drunk but not paralytic. It’s hard to access taxis in the place we live. He text me to tell me this at 9.15.

So our children stayed awake to get their goodnight kiss from daddy, but I had to tell them that unfortunately thing had changed and daddy wouldn’t be able to be home in time.

DH has just got home just after 10.00 and explained that the lady was upset about her marriage and wouldn’t stop talking to him about it. He said he felt he couldn’t leave her incase something happened to her. I totally understand that but explained that it’s not his job to babysit an adult. He could have explained that he would be leaving and could make sure she got home okay if she left now. I then said that DD was upset (suspected neurodivergent) that he wasn’t home. He said he tried for ages to get her to leave but it was difficult.

He then completely deflected and said, well if DD was so upset, why didn’t I phone him. I explained that I knew he was on 1% battery ages before hand and we had been waiting expecting him to come through the door any minute. He said “so you knew I planned to be home at 8.30 and when I still wasn’t home at 9.15 you weren’t even concerned for my safety???” I explained again, I didn’t think his phone would even possibly still be on at that time and that no, I wasn’t concerned for his safety! He began smirking and rolling his eyes.

I told him that I’m really upset at how he is speaking to me and I’d be happy if he just left the house. I think he is being completely out of order. But maybe it’s me?

I know I’ve given specific timings for messages. I’m not actually that anal about stuff, but I want to share an actuate timeline so that you get the full picture.

AIBU??

OP posts:
Allfur · 13/07/2024 14:12

Classic drinker's story, always looking for someone else to put the blame on to extend their drinking

Ilovelurchers · 13/07/2024 14:24

I think all this talk of the woman's "reputation" is somewhat archaic. Unless her reputation is for coercing married men into cheating (and how would she do that?)

I can imagine my own fella using this "damsel in distress" story to paint himself as a hero tho. Or at least, he used to do stuff like this before he quit drinking. I actually had mixed feelings -I liked the fact he helped people, but also was aware he used it as an excuse to ignore MY needs from him at times. No doubt I was sometimes jealous too. In the end we worked through it. (We both compromised - and both stopped drinking!)

Booboobedooo · 13/07/2024 17:34

Tandora · 13/07/2024 12:44

Ugh the misogyny. Her reputation is irrelevant because OP’s husband is responsible for his own behaviour. Either OP trusts her husband or she doesn’t. If the latter then this thread is about that and the reasons he is untrustworthy ( not what time in the afternoon he came home and whether he gave the kids a goodnight kiss).

Show quote history

It’s not irrelevant because the credibility of this other person implicates how plausible his story is.

If this woman was someone you knew to be a straight arrow, you’d be able to discount quite easily the possibility there was anything untoward going on and the possibility that the DH just found a willing drinking buddy and the possibility that he knew himself the ‘help me get home’ schtick wasn’t all that genuine.

I 100% think that any woman should shag whoever she likes whenever she likes and what of it? whilst also acknowledging that someone who is a drinker and flirtatious and into casual sex has a higher probability of drinking, flirting and having casual sex than someone who isn’t into those things.

Of course you can take the characters of the people involved into account in weighing up how plausible you find his story.

Gogogo12345 · 13/07/2024 23:11

Blondiebeachbabe · 13/07/2024 13:59

It's not mysogynistic to point out that certain behaviours will gain you a reputation. People aren't blind. There is also a man here who does very similar - he also has a reputation.

Her reputation is not irrelevant. Op's husband staying out drinking late with a woman who is around his age, known for being a bit risque, has made it clear she fancies him, he wants to see her home, he lies about his phone being on 1% (ie. setting the scene for going awol)

.....completely different to Op's husband trying to get 90 year old Jim home safely.

Show quote history

But it's not making the husband do anything. That would completely be his choice

Are you saying if the local bike grabbed your husband and undid his flies then it's not his fault if he sleeps with her? He would have the choice to say no

Chartreux · 13/07/2024 23:15

Plantparent · 13/07/2024 10:03

I actually cannot believe how many people on here think that it would have been fine not to help the drunk woman! So many women are killed, it is absolutely not okay to leave a woman alone, drunk and vulnerable for the sake of a partner's insecurities.

There are so many posters on here that write about their husband's staying out/fraternising with other woman/checking out of family life etc. I honestly think if my husband did things like threatening to throw me out of the house for coming home at 10pm, tried to stop me helping a drunk person and used the DC's bedtime to manipulate me to come home, I would probably feel like checking out of family life/life with him too! If you reverse the genders of this post, there would be entirely different answers.

She wasn't alone or vulnerable. She didn't even want to go home, and when she did, someone else took her. This is just ridiculous.

Chartreux · 13/07/2024 23:21

whinginglittlefucker · 13/07/2024 10:54

None of this would bother me. If my DP thought it was important to help this woman I would accept this. I know that he would only prioritise someone else over us if it was necessary. This morning make sure your DD with possible ND gets an age appropriate explanation and reassurance that do not happen as we expect can turn out OK.

Would you accept it even though the woman actually got a lift home with someone else and your DP for some unfathomable reason insisted on going along with them?

Chartreux · 13/07/2024 23:23

LuckySantangelo35 · 13/07/2024 11:05

What if someone has a heart attack in the street for example? would you be ok with your husband staying with them to phone ambulance etc or would you expect him to walk past them so he could home to you and the kids when he said he would be?

What's the relevance of this? No-one was having a heart attack.

Hmm1234 · 14/07/2024 18:05

Phone was on 1% biggest tale in the book sounds like jay slater. He cared more about a woman’s mental state than his own partner, why not tell the bar staff. He definitely cheated

Vynalbob · 14/07/2024 18:09

SugarandSpiceandAllThingsNaice · 12/07/2024 23:42

So it would be ok for a random drunk woman with marriage issues to be potentially at risk so long as the DH gets home at half 8 instead of at 10? What about a random sober woman with no marriage issues?

You seriously think 90minutes of his time is worth so much to the OP “and his children” that you’re ok with him just ignoring a request for help?

You know that random drunk woman with marriage issues could be you or your sister, or a friend one day. Would you be ok if there was an inquest and MrSmith was like “yeah the victim was drunk and asked me to see her home, but getting home to my wife and kids by half 8 was more important, so I left her there. I had no idea she’d fall into a canal and drown- it’s only a 30min walk but I just couldn’t spare the time”

Show quote history

OTT
If she seriously wanted someone to see her home safe she wouldn't have lingered.....how longs too long ...1am lock in.
Either she was playing the husband or the hubby is playing the OP. The chances of neither having a hidden agenda in this case is very low.... although it might just be hubby wanting to stop out later so spinning a yarn to avoid questions.
Yes I'm cynical.

Eadfrith · 14/07/2024 18:24

I’d be pissed off too and annoyed that my husband was getting involved in another woman’s hot mess of a life late into the night when he’s got a family at home. And as others have said the hours long drinking session? I hope you get equal time to go out and do what you want to do? As for an opinion on if you are being unreasonable, I don’t really know the full picture so couldn’t really say but I’m not surprised you’re pissed off. No thought for you on his half.

Opinionwontchangeluv · 14/07/2024 18:28

I'm on the fence with this

PotholesAnonymous · 14/07/2024 18:38

I have many many questions about this and also a theory.

Q's:
What happened to the people he was with all afternoon?
If the story of the vulnerable woman is true - why did she trust him (as someone she barely knows) to see her safely home?
How could he see here safely home anyway if he has also been drinking and taxi's are hard to get?
Surely you would just alert the bar staff to keep an eye on her? If she's well known the bar staff would deal with it.

Theory:
There was no woman. He just wanted to stay out a bit longer with his mates so made up a scenario where it looked like he was being a hero.
(he didn't realise this would open up a question of infidelity - men are a little basic when it comes to these things)

fetchacloth · 14/07/2024 18:58

GrumpyPanda · 12/07/2024 22:51

How many more couple of drinks will he be having on Sunday? So unattractive.

Sounds like my ex H to be honest. Sadly they don't change🙄

SpiritOfEcstasy · 14/07/2024 19:04

His reaction is DARVO. He knows he’s out of order and somehow you’re at fault…in your shoes I’d be pissed. He has prioritised a ‘woman he knows’ over you and your children.

Jengnr · 14/07/2024 19:09

SoulSissss · 13/07/2024 05:21

He just kept reiterating “so you wouldn’t even be concerned for my safety and even attempt to call me if I wasn’t home 45 minutes after the agreed time.” I said that, for starters, why would I try to call someone whose battery was on 1% 1 hour and 45 minutes earlier. He said “so you’re telling me you wouldn’t even try.” Then all the eye rolling etc, as if I’m completely inconsiderate and uncaring. 🤦🏻‍♀️

No, I wasn’t worried. I (correctly) assumed you were being a dick.

MayNov · 14/07/2024 19:24

He’s deflecting and blame shifting plus his story sounds dodgy as hell. You’re being incredibly calm given the situation.

Dibbils · 14/07/2024 19:29

He’s gaslighting you by turning his shitty behaviour around on you “not being concerned for his safety”! I would be absolutely furious about the whole thing! 😡

Jeannie88 · 14/07/2024 19:39

No point talking to someone when they're drunk. Leave it til next day. Xx

Jeannie88 · 14/07/2024 19:42

LuckySantangelo35 · 12/07/2024 23:30

This! ⬆️ @SoulSissss

Show quote history

Agree, if partner out for a few drinks, whether me or him, it's a case of take a key! Always has been, fun time with friends with no restrictions or need to interrogate. Xx

Itsmecathy87 · 14/07/2024 19:57

This whole "helping a woman to get home" story sounds like massive BS. Stayed in the pub longer with her, then takes her home with help of another male? Also 1% battery was a lie. Gosh, I'm fuming on your behalf. And then you come on here and posters are questioning you over minor details.
I hate to say it, but perhaps your husband was planning on doing more with the woman

Merrythoughts7 · 14/07/2024 20:20

Hmmm, my ex once did a similar thing, he was just leaving the pub at about 11pm and his young employee had an attack of some sort in the street and 'made' him go to A and E with her til the early hours. He was furious, went on and on about how annoyed he was with her, I sympathised with him. Turned out he was having an affair with her all long.

MrTiddlesTheCat · 14/07/2024 20:32

He stayed out because he wanted to. He was enjoying keeping this woman company. It's as simple as that.

AngelinaFibres · 14/07/2024 20:43

My second husband would absolutely avoid all day drinking sessions and any female colleagues with problems of a personal nature. My first husband would have actively sought them out and fallen into their vaginas once home. I prefer my second husband. Only you know which version you are likely married to Op.

LemonDropsXx · 14/07/2024 20:58

AngelinaFibres · 14/07/2024 20:43

My second husband would absolutely avoid all day drinking sessions and any female colleagues with problems of a personal nature. My first husband would have actively sought them out and fallen into their vaginas once home. I prefer my second husband. Only you know which version you are likely married to Op.

This made me laugh because this is exactly what my two husbands were/are like 😂

Firethehorse · 14/07/2024 22:05

Your husband is in the wrong and you’re getting a hard time OP.
He chose every action and had a total disregard for you left at home and for the family day out.
I find it hard to believe others would be happy for their partner to be drinking with a woman he thought had ideas on him, never mind waiting to take her home.
Talk about low bar even before his trying to blame you.