He stayed out to help a lady get home safe… AIBU or is DH?

[SoulSissss]

DH went out for “a couple of drinks” at 2.00pm. He text me at 5.30 and said that he’d be having another couple of drinks. He then messaged at 7.30 told me he would be home at 8.30 and also told me that his battery was at 1%. However, he then bumped into a lady he knows, who asked him to make sure she got home safe. She was drunk but not paralytic. It’s hard to access taxis in the place we live. He text me to tell me this at 9.15.

So our children stayed awake to get their goodnight kiss from daddy, but I had to tell them that unfortunately thing had changed and daddy wouldn’t be able to be home in time.

DH has just got home just after 10.00 and explained that the lady was upset about her marriage and wouldn’t stop talking to him about it. He said he felt he couldn’t leave her incase something happened to her. I totally understand that but explained that it’s not his job to babysit an adult. He could have explained that he would be leaving and could make sure she got home okay if she left now. I then said that DD was upset (suspected neurodivergent) that he wasn’t home. He said he tried for ages to get her to leave but it was difficult.

He then completely deflected and said, well if DD was so upset, why didn’t I phone him. I explained that I knew he was on 1% battery ages before hand and we had been waiting expecting him to come through the door any minute. He said “so you knew I planned to be home at 8.30 and when I still wasn’t home at 9.15 you weren’t even concerned for my safety???” I explained again, I didn’t think his phone would even possibly still be on at that time and that no, I wasn’t concerned for his safety! He began smirking and rolling his eyes.

I told him that I’m really upset at how he is speaking to me and I’d be happy if he just left the house. I think he is being completely out of order. But maybe it’s me?

I know I’ve given specific timings for messages. I’m not actually that anal about stuff, but I want to share an actuate timeline so that you get the full picture.

AIBU??

Oh, but didn’t you say he did explain this to her but she took ages to get going? So what is the problem?

Can’t fit every single piece of background into an OP. There’s always a backstory. I could tell you a million other things, so could any person behind any other mumsnet post. Because very rarely is one incident completely isolated.

Yes, but she refused to leave apparently. So he stayed until she agreed to leave.

This! ⬆️ @SoulSissss

Yeah, speaking from experience, parents do get delayed unknown amounts of time for different reasons (ie extra shift, train delay, etc) and it is easier on the child to say from the start “daddy might be home in time, but if not he will say good night to you while you are sleeping” and then proceed with the bedtime routine at normal time. Especially with a day out planned for the next day! A ND child will need all their sleep to cope and should not be staying up late waiting and wondering.

So how is that his fault and why are you saying he did something wrong?

I wouldn't be upset about him making sure someone got home safely, that's exactly what my DH is like and he has done this before.

The long hours drinking would bother me if he would then be incapable of being 100% present for the plans the next day, one of the reasons I hated my ex. I don't mind going out drinking but not if it's knock on effect then affects the entire family weekend.

Alas, there is no point in trying to have any sort of conversation with someone who has been drinking all that time. I hope he is sorted in the morning to be able to go on the day out that was planned, if not, then I would be annoyed.

He prioritised random drunk woman with marriage issues over you and his children. I wouldn't be happy. She isn't his responsibility. You and his children are. He then tried to gaslight you by calling into question why you werent worried about him.
I would definitely be having a conversation about this, though I wouldn't be asking him to leave......unless this is the latest in a series of similar events.
Convo probably better had when he is sober

I'd be pleased my partner had seen a drunken woman home safely.

I wouldn't be impressed with one that had been on a whole day drinking marathon, whose words are inconsistent or who speaks to me in a disrespectful manner.
Those are far more serious for me than walking someone home.

I appreciate this advice. We have only fairly recently found out that she is likely ND. Which explains a lot. I genuinely believed DH would be home by the time she went to bed. Which on reflection, was stupid of me. Lesson learned for me.

Why would he be listening to her marriage issues? Does she not have a female friend to confide in who she could also walk home with? Can't be doing with this distressed damsel/rescue me scenario, which he was apparently only to happy to help with

So it would be ok for a random drunk woman with marriage issues to be potentially at risk so long as the DH gets home at half 8 instead of at 10? What about a random sober woman with no marriage issues?

You seriously think 90minutes of his time is worth so much to the OP “and his children” that you’re ok with him just ignoring a request for help?

You know that random drunk woman with marriage issues could be you or your sister, or a friend one day. Would you be ok if there was an inquest and MrSmith was like “yeah the victim was drunk and asked me to see her home, but getting home to my wife and kids by half 8 was more important, so I left her there. I had no idea she’d fall into a canal and drown- it’s only a 30min walk but I just couldn’t spare the time”

Trust me, I learned this the hard way too! (two of mine have ASD)

Probably because falling over drunk people who are drowning their sorrows tend to also broadcast these sorrows to anyone and everyone around them.

@WTF99

he potentially saved her coming to harm for the sake of what? Coming home two hours later than he thought he would?! It wasn’t even late at night!

No point arguing with him when he's drunk and on the defensive. He probably thought he was being a knight in shining armour and is not happy to find you don't share his point of view. Although when he's sobered up he might realise what an arse he's been. If the disappearing out for hours drinking is a regular thing, then you need to have a Proper Talk. It's really not on to leave you to cope on your own, at what is plainly a stressful time with your DD.

They aren’t even friends, just acquaintances who would say hello to one another. Hence why DH believes there was an ulterior motive to the whole thing, and I think he’s probably right. DH actually said that he made her his priority though.

There was a night a couple of years ago that I couldn’t get a taxi home. DH was in bed at home and the kids were in bed. He wouldn’t get up and pop the kids in the car to collect me. I was literally stranded. I have just remembered this and I’m now extra upset about the whole thing.

I rarely go out, but DH goes out regularly.

@SugarandSpiceandAllThingsNaice of course I wouldn't want to see any of those scenarios happen to a vulnerable woman, but I'm just speculating as to why the only person available to her to provide support was the Ops dh.
If he really was the only person.present who could ensure her safety, then of course he did the right thing. And if I was his partner and he explained to me just how vital his intervention had been for this woman, then.if course I would be fine with that....

You know that is probably why this upsets you because he should have come to get you then or have helped in some other way- got a taxi, called a friend of the kids couldn’t be disturbed.

He did the right thing for this acquaintance, but not for you.

Another day when heads are calmer, I’d raise the issue with him. Not tonight. Not tomorrow (as big day out). Perhaps Sunday?

Come on people, he wasn't just seeing her home. She "made him" stay in the pub drinking with her for a couple of hours and THEN he saw her home. After he'd already been there for about four hours. He could have said he'd see her home but she'd have to go there and then. There must have been someone else in the pub who could have kept an eye on her if she refused. He's prioritised this comparative stranger over his wife and child.

If my phone battery was on 1% at 7.30pm...there's no way it would still be on and able to text at 9.15pm.

Was he putting you off trying to contact him 🤔

Helping someone home is fine, but I'm not so sure about:

Battery miraculously recovering
Deflecting and blaming you for not calling him
Blaming you for not being worried (Deny/attack)

This is how I feel.

and then gaslighted me.

They ended up getting a lift home by another guy who is friends with her. So subsequently, she would have got home safely without DH. But in fairness, he wouldn’t have known that was how it would play out.