He stayed out to help a lady get home safe… AIBU or is DH?

[SoulSissss]

DH went out for “a couple of drinks” at 2.00pm. He text me at 5.30 and said that he’d be having another couple of drinks. He then messaged at 7.30 told me he would be home at 8.30 and also told me that his battery was at 1%. However, he then bumped into a lady he knows, who asked him to make sure she got home safe. She was drunk but not paralytic. It’s hard to access taxis in the place we live. He text me to tell me this at 9.15.

So our children stayed awake to get their goodnight kiss from daddy, but I had to tell them that unfortunately thing had changed and daddy wouldn’t be able to be home in time.

DH has just got home just after 10.00 and explained that the lady was upset about her marriage and wouldn’t stop talking to him about it. He said he felt he couldn’t leave her incase something happened to her. I totally understand that but explained that it’s not his job to babysit an adult. He could have explained that he would be leaving and could make sure she got home okay if she left now. I then said that DD was upset (suspected neurodivergent) that he wasn’t home. He said he tried for ages to get her to leave but it was difficult.

He then completely deflected and said, well if DD was so upset, why didn’t I phone him. I explained that I knew he was on 1% battery ages before hand and we had been waiting expecting him to come through the door any minute. He said “so you knew I planned to be home at 8.30 and when I still wasn’t home at 9.15 you weren’t even concerned for my safety???” I explained again, I didn’t think his phone would even possibly still be on at that time and that no, I wasn’t concerned for his safety! He began smirking and rolling his eyes.

I told him that I’m really upset at how he is speaking to me and I’d be happy if he just left the house. I think he is being completely out of order. But maybe it’s me?

I know I’ve given specific timings for messages. I’m not actually that anal about stuff, but I want to share an actuate timeline so that you get the full picture.

AIBU??

Everyone on this thread is projecting their own relationships onto this situation which is not going to help OP who has clearly got herself into a state. Basically if you don't trust him and have other reasons and contexts to feel he's up to no good then YANBU . If he's generally a good guy and has got carried away on an afternoon drinking session then YABU.

YANBU but he most definitely is. You’ve had a long, stressful week by the sounds of it, you’ve got a family day out planned today that is being looked forward to, and he just gets to go out and get pissed for 8 hours? Repeatedly moving the goal posts about when he’ll be home? Regardless of the ‘good deed’ It’s just selfish behaviour.

Of course parents should get to go out, together and independently, and I don’t think any spontaneity should die just because there are kids involved, but why do people think this behaviour is acceptable??

You mention that he gets to go out all the time and you don’t. I know why it can end up like this, and often it’s because of our own choices, but sounds like a conversation should be had, maybe about time spent together relaxing if you don’t have the urge to leave the kids at home and go out yourself as much. It doesn’t have to be a 50/50 split, and it sounds like he definitely values time away from the family to decompress which should be respected, but if you feel resentment then it needs addressing. And when do you get your time doing something enjoyable without the constraints of parental responsibility?

I hope you get to have a nice day today, and try not to blow the whole weekend up just because he’s been a dick, but don’t let him put ANY of this on you.

Totally, people who drink habitually are more than capable of getting themselves home, even after a few. She would have been fine.

If it was a young person I’d see it as my responsibility to make sure they were ok, but a grown woman who’s chosen to be out drinking by herself? I’m sure if she’d not happened to bump into the H, she’d have happily made her way home by other means. Sounds like she wanted a drunken chat with someone more than anything, and probably he did too.

Who wants to be in a parenting relationship with a man who starts drinking from 2pm in the afternoon? Pissed people are so unattractive.

A one off for something like a wedding party is ok but if it’s remotely a regular thing, you need to re-evaluate your relationship. Men like that rarely grow up into reliable adults.

You're not unreasonable OP, and I would get him up and make sure he meets his commitments today seeing as he's so committed to helping random drunks in the pub.

No way are you being unreasonable. You waited at home with the children looking after them doing the bedtime routine and he was drunk in a pub listening to a drunk woman. Id be fuming.

I know it means you’ll have to drip feed, but do tell us some of the other million things you say he’s done. Context is everything here. I bet he’s horrible.
Also do you suspect yourself of being neurodivergent as well as your daughter? That might be a factor e.g.in his ability to manipulate conversations with you.

If she was there with a friend why did she need your DH who she barely knows to 'keep her safe' absolutely ridiculous and she knew what she was doing. He was obviously lapping it up being her shoulder to cry on. It's nothing to do with trust, he's changed the goalposts all night for this woman and then tried to deflect by going on about why you hadn't called him?!

Also don't buy it that his phone was on 1 percent he obviously just didn't want you interrupting

You are trying to make an argument out of nothing.

He was home by 10pm and you are going out today at 9am and you are worried he wont be fit?
What? He is over 5 years old I imagine?

YANBU to be pissed off that he changed the goalposts and was later than intended. Telling him to leave was OTT in my opinion though.

You being up all night stewing is just as likely to ruin your daughter's day out as him being hungover from an afternoon/evening on the lash tbh.

lol I think it’s the 8 hours drinking she has in mind

I dunno. Every 6-8 weeks or so I meet up with a friend ( male) in the afternoon ( shock horror!!) and we go out for drinks. This often stretches well into the evening with a KFC thrown in as well

Im self employed so work when I want and he does a half day Friday. Not everyone is on the 9-5

Hmm. I think you are both being unreasonable tbh.

The key question I think is whether this is part of a pattern where he doesn’t pull his weight at home, goes out and doesn’t come home when he says he will. If this is the case, then this is a bigger conversation than the specifics of this one afternoon.

If this is not the case I think you were being controlling and inflexible to be giving him a hard time about exactly when he was coming home. Everybody deserves some time off and I’d have left him to it and hoped he enjoyed himself, (and then made sure I got some time to go out and do something for myself next time).

The good night kiss from daddy thing is a little silly. I understand because I have a small child who’s very particular like this, but you should have told her daddy was out and you were doing bedtime and that’s that. You shouldn’t have had the kids waiting up, that wasn’t fair on anyone and sounds a bit manipulative.

Him deflecting the conversation into why you didn’t check up on him is totally out of order and soo manipulative/ immature. Does he have form for communicating like that? I wouldn’t be able to stand someone like that tbh. This is the most unreasonable behaviour of all.

The drunk woman is a total red herring and YABU for bringing in that she “has a reputation”.

Time to loudly wake him up, tell him to get dressed and be on his best behaviour for your daughter’s day out - the rest can wait.

@Booboobedooo I can go to a BBQ or something or a lunch with friends and drink all afternoon. It does not mean I am drunk, merely a bit tipsy, maybe. It sounds like he paced himself as no mention is given of him rolling him speaking gibberish.

"8 hours drinking" could well be 4/5 pints over 8 hours.

Its all so emotive "I had to explain why Daddy couldnt give them a goodnight kiss" Seriously, manage it and grow up!

Look, I'm a cynic, so maybe disregard what I say, but ......

Grown man having to be home before a child's bed time = ridiculous.

Man hanging around to walk a woman home, who has a reputation, and who is drunk and slagging off her husband = he was hoping to get his leg over when he got back to hers.

Saying his phone battery was on 1% = he's hoping to stay out late for the above, and wants a cover story for going off grid. If you have find a friend on your phones, he could switch his off, claiming it died, and then you wouldn't be able to see that he was at her house for longer than it would take to drop her at her door.

Him saying you weren't worried about his safety = deflection.

Sorry but she is being unreasonable.

Doesn’t sound like he stays out late often and clearly this woman was upset. You’d like to think someone would help you if you were in such a state wouldn’t you? He’s hardly put anyone’s needs before his wife’s - she made a rod for her own back with the bedtime kiss thing and is frankly a ridiculous thing to have done. Plans change - doesn’t sound like the husband came in paralytic either. Shit happens sometimes.

The woman is a red herring imo, he just used her as an excuse to stay out later and the whole 'damsel in distress' story sounds like bullshit he's dreamed up because he knew he was letting you and DD down by staying out when you were expecting him home. I don't think you should get bogged down in the idea that he put another woman before you OP, I think he just put himself first and wanted to stay out drinking, she was just a convenient excuse for his selfishness.

IME men who have an agenda to cheat usually tell a story that has a lot of truth in it. He's telling you he found himself a female drinking buddy who wanted him to go home with her and he hung around to do it. He also prepped you for going no contact by telling you his battery was low. And now he feels you don't care about him. I would very very suspicious.

Is he up OP and ready to go out?

Does he smell like fresh shower or some other woman?

Love how mumsnet jumps straight to cheating in every situation it really is hilarious

This is a classic cheating scenario though

Going off for the whole day at the weekend to enjoy himself is fine as long as you do the same.

I agree with blondiebeachbabe
This guy is up to no good and trying to concoct a cover story