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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

He stayed out to help a lady get home safe… AIBU or is DH?

283 replies

SoulSissss · 12/07/2024 22:32

DH went out for “a couple of drinks” at 2.00pm. He text me at 5.30 and said that he’d be having another couple of drinks. He then messaged at 7.30 told me he would be home at 8.30 and also told me that his battery was at 1%. However, he then bumped into a lady he knows, who asked him to make sure she got home safe. She was drunk but not paralytic. It’s hard to access taxis in the place we live. He text me to tell me this at 9.15.

So our children stayed awake to get their goodnight kiss from daddy, but I had to tell them that unfortunately thing had changed and daddy wouldn’t be able to be home in time.

DH has just got home just after 10.00 and explained that the lady was upset about her marriage and wouldn’t stop talking to him about it. He said he felt he couldn’t leave her incase something happened to her. I totally understand that but explained that it’s not his job to babysit an adult. He could have explained that he would be leaving and could make sure she got home okay if she left now. I then said that DD was upset (suspected neurodivergent) that he wasn’t home. He said he tried for ages to get her to leave but it was difficult.

He then completely deflected and said, well if DD was so upset, why didn’t I phone him. I explained that I knew he was on 1% battery ages before hand and we had been waiting expecting him to come through the door any minute. He said “so you knew I planned to be home at 8.30 and when I still wasn’t home at 9.15 you weren’t even concerned for my safety???” I explained again, I didn’t think his phone would even possibly still be on at that time and that no, I wasn’t concerned for his safety! He began smirking and rolling his eyes.

I told him that I’m really upset at how he is speaking to me and I’d be happy if he just left the house. I think he is being completely out of order. But maybe it’s me?

I know I’ve given specific timings for messages. I’m not actually that anal about stuff, but I want to share an actuate timeline so that you get the full picture.

AIBU??

OP posts:
womenarehuman · 13/07/2024 00:14

I think what he did is OK, as long as it isn't part of a pattern. But his questioning you about whether you were worried for his safety, and in particular that He began smirking and rolling his eyes when you explained, very logically, why you did not call him casts him as a bit of a potential arsehole, and possibly as a misogynist. However, if your child is so upset when you aren't both home when you say you will be and doesn't accept that plans can change, maybe agree on backup plan if one of you is delayed or has obligations elsewhere and she does get upset by this. This shouldn't fall on one or the other of you disproportionately.

RawBloomers · 13/07/2024 00:20

Other than your probablyND DD and the possibility he won’t be fit for tomorrow, do you have any issue with what he did? You seem to have no concerns about infidelity so I’m going to ignore that, it’s the obvious one that a lot of posters have jumped on, but I can see, from your description, why you might have dismissed it.

I think telling him off (?Badgering him?) when he came in was a bit off if this isn’t a common occurrence. He’d had a nice time out, done a good deed and then come home to hassle and bad feeling. Unless there’s a bigger story, other issues, or you never get time away when you want it, I kind of see this as the turning point here. It was a one off. It caused you more hassle than you wanted, of course, but being able to occasionally not be constricted by timetables because you have a partner who you can rely on is one of the joys of a good marriage.

But I do see there could well be bigger issues that these two things last night are just highlights for. Does he not see DD’s needs in the way you see them? Is this a bigger issue that the one night and his not making sure he gets back when he said he would just one way he lets her down and you have to pick up the pieces and deal with the distress when he never needs too and has no ideas for handling it? Can you rely on him to see to your DC’s needs if you aren’t there and want to stay out longer than initially agreed? And does he have form for not being fit for family time because he’s priotised drinking? Because these I could see being the sorts of issues that start as one offs and become bigger and bigger in impact (even if the actual “offence” is less than the time before). and not only that they have an impact, but that they signal a lack of engagement in the family. Leaving all the hassle to you.

Twototwo15 · 13/07/2024 00:29

I think 10:00 at night till 9:00 the following morning is plenty of time for someone to rest and sober up, especially if they are not paralytic, which it doesn’t sound like he is, being able to have a reasonably normal conversation. Why do you think he won’t be in a fit state by then?

Opentooffers · 13/07/2024 00:39

Oh I bet he knew he'd get a lift too if he hung around for her mate. But, really he's just full of excuses to carry on drinking. You seem to suggest that it's not the first time he's come back late after drinking. I'm sure he had other excuses then too.

shuggles · 13/07/2024 00:45

If he ditched the woman and something bad happened to her, everyone would be calling him a monster for not looking after a drunk person.

itsmabeline · 13/07/2024 00:54

The helping a woman he knows get home seems reasonable to me and so although a bit annoying he was late, wouldn't bother me overall.

But it bothers you and he needs to take that into account, not what strangers on the internet think, so address this with him.

Wait until he's slept and sober, it's not a conversation worth having with someone already drunk.

LiterallyOnFire · 13/07/2024 01:07

Is he problem drinker? He switched tactics on you mid conversation because he's uncomfortable so he l turned the tables as a diversionary tactic. That's either addictive behaviour or he's covering up something.

The ND thing; PP is right in her advice. With my eldest particularly I used to be quite explicit in talking about promises versus aspirations or how much time variation we might reasonably expect if the aim was to have the dinner at 6pm and would it be better to say "between 6 and half past" and so on... It helped.

Then you have the bits where unreliable (alcoholic?) partner and ND collide.

It might be an idea in future not to tell her about special days out etc ahead of time unless you are confident you can pull it off solo if DO is hungover.

LiterallyOnFire · 13/07/2024 01:09

shuggles · 13/07/2024 00:45

If he ditched the woman and something bad happened to her, everyone would be calling him a monster for not looking after a drunk person.

But they were with at least one other friend throughout (the driver) so what was the DO's vital role? He couldn't drive. Someone else drive them. Before that, they were in a pub surrounded by people. Unless he was hand pumping her emergency oxygen supply, it's hard to see why he was essential to her safety.

shuggles · 13/07/2024 01:18

LiterallyOnFire · 13/07/2024 01:09

But they were with at least one other friend throughout (the driver) so what was the DO's vital role? He couldn't drive. Someone else drive them. Before that, they were in a pub surrounded by people. Unless he was hand pumping her emergency oxygen supply, it's hard to see why he was essential to her safety.

Show quote history

What driver?

caringcarer · 13/07/2024 01:23

CandiedPrincess · 12/07/2024 22:57

You're trying to have a rational argument with a man who has been drinking all day. It ain't going to happen.

This. Next time say nothing and let him come to you full of apologies the next day.

CarpetSlipper · 13/07/2024 01:35

Absolutely fine for him to help a woman home IF he shows this level of consideration towards the people close to him.
If he’d happily let you make your own way home but can’t possibly let a woman he has no responsibility for get her own taxi then he’s not doing it because he’s a kind person.
Seems like he shows a total lack of consideration for you and shouldn’t be ‘helping’ others at the expense of his own family.

LiterallyOnFire · 13/07/2024 01:37

@shuggles
OP's post at 00.10

They got a lift from another friend.

Fraaahnces · 13/07/2024 01:40

Not cool… I’d be having words about white knight syndrome and the effect it has on the family at home.

MrsCatE · 13/07/2024 01:49

Sorry OP. Nothing to add apart from he's a complete jerk.

SapphireSeptember · 13/07/2024 01:55

@SoulSissss He left you stranded?! Shock How did eventually get home? That's really shitty of him. Sad

Willyoujustbequiet · 13/07/2024 01:55

Doubter2 · 13/07/2024 00:02

If my phone battery was on 1% at 7.30pm...there's no way it would still be on and able to text at 9.15pm.

Was he putting you off trying to contact him 🤔

This

Surely I'm not the only one who has heard this same story as an excuse before?

There's more to it imo OP, sorry.

Jellybeanz456 · 13/07/2024 01:56

DoreenonTill8 · 12/07/2024 23:06

He (an adult) went out for a drinking session, you're pissed off with him, weaponised your daughter and told him to leave the family home? Would you accept him chucking you out if you annoyed him?

This!!

BeeBonnet15 · 13/07/2024 02:36

I’m not really buying DH’s excuses. He should be home with his family and not escorting this woman home. He could have called a taxi for her and paid for it if he was ‘really concerned’ and it would have taken 5 minutes. His actions and smirking make me think that he isn’t invested in his marriage or children.

Original poster
SoulSissss · 13/07/2024 05:21

He just kept reiterating “so you wouldn’t even be concerned for my safety and even attempt to call me if I wasn’t home 45 minutes after the agreed time.” I said that, for starters, why would I try to call someone whose battery was on 1% 1 hour and 45 minutes earlier. He said “so you’re telling me you wouldn’t even try.” Then all the eye rolling etc, as if I’m completely inconsiderate and uncaring. 🤦🏻‍♀️

OP posts:
Catmoobs · 13/07/2024 05:47

SoulSissss · 13/07/2024 05:21

He just kept reiterating “so you wouldn’t even be concerned for my safety and even attempt to call me if I wasn’t home 45 minutes after the agreed time.” I said that, for starters, why would I try to call someone whose battery was on 1% 1 hour and 45 minutes earlier. He said “so you’re telling me you wouldn’t even try.” Then all the eye rolling etc, as if I’m completely inconsiderate and uncaring. 🤦🏻‍♀️

Oldest trick in the book…making himself out to be the real victim, deflecting from his own bad behaviour to try to guilt trip you. It’s manipulative.

I would never accept this kind of behaviour, you’re not being unreasonable at all OP. He sounds rather self-entitled, especially with his attempt to turn this around on you. He knows what he’s doing.

Rafting2022 · 13/07/2024 05:55

It’s exhausting just reading about it.

Passay · 13/07/2024 05:56

You just need to stop being your husband’s mother

Itstherichthatgetthepleasureasusual · 13/07/2024 05:57

Sorry OP but who is this woman ?
When he went out drinking is it her he went drinking with? Because presumably if she was so drunk she had been on a long drinking session similar to your DH.
Does he normally go out drinking with other women while you are left at home with the children?
It's also one thing for him to see her safely home. But saying he couldn't get away from her is another.
I wouldn't be happy about his behaviour and that's even before the upset he caused to your daughter.

Lurkingandlearning · 13/07/2024 06:07

What you had to say would’ve been best left until he’d sobered up.

I don’t see you pointing out that he’d let his children down was weaponising them. If he’d told them he’d be home before they went to bed he should’ve been. He didn’t seem to realise that so needed to be told. Apparently.

Looking out for a drunk woman is a decent thing to do. Seeing her into a taxi would be enough. I don’t see why he needed to escort her home, go inside and listen to her woes which were probably maudlin drunk blethering. Does he go home with drunk male friends and stay for hours to make sure they are ok? They’d be at just as much risk as she was.

And she might have thought taking a man to her home when she was drunk might make her less upset about her marriage but I doubt her husband would’ve sympathised. How did your husband think him going there would help that situation?

It’s all bullshit. He’d met up with a woman, maybe by chance, and went home with her. Just because he was home by 10ish doesn’t mean nothing bad happened. People don’t only cheat late at night. I think he kept changing the time he’d be home waiting to see how long it would be before she invited him to her house. The 1% battery would explain why his phone was off while he didn’t want to be distracted by you. Don’t suppose you checked that. I don’t think I’d think of that at the time.

Sorry to be so blunt. Maybe his explanation was true and just stupid behaviour because he’d been drinking since 2pm or maybe it was just a stupid excuse- the best he could come up with having been drinking since 2pm. I think you need to get an STI check and think about your situation

WatchingTheTime · 13/07/2024 06:10

Why do so many women have such a low bar for male behaviour? And anyone who believes the "I can't come home because I'm helping a drunk woman" story is naive in the extreme.

If this thread was about you going out for a couple of drinks at 2pm OP and not coming home until 10pm because you got chatting and you wanted to help a drunken man get home, while your husband and ND daughter were calling you and DC was upset you weren't home, you would be absolutely flamed.

What sort of husband and father just disappears off drinking for half the day anyway? I don't think I know any men like that. I'll probably be told I don't live in the "real world", in which case I'm glad I don't.