To ask for the positives of only having one child?

[uhohala]

I know I’m lucky to have one. I always wanted at least two, so they each had a sibling. Sadly separated from DP when ds was 1 and he’s 2.5 now. No new relationship on the horizon and I’m 38 so it’s possible it’s already too late. I feel really down about it tonight. Anyone truly made peace with it or can see any plus points to just having one? I have the money to go it alone but it feels too much when I already have ds.

I can see that I'm a bit late to the party and this thread has been derailed by a couple of posters but if you're still reading, OP here's my 2 cents anyway! I'm an only child and it never bothered me in the slightest. It just wasn't something I thought about as a child. Sometimes adults would ask me "wouldn't you like a brother or sister?" and I didn't really understand why they were asking me. The answer was "no, not really". If it had happened I'm sure I would have been fine but I wasn't bothered either way. I certainly never felt lonely. I had friends and activities and enjoyed lots of quality time with my parents.

I've never felt I was missing out as an adult either as I've always had plenty of friends and now have a family of my own. Most of my friends aren't particularly close to their siblings as adults. Most have polite but distant relationships with them, some really can't stand them. There are no guarantees that they'll like each other or be a source of support for one another.

I've often seen people on MN talk about how the burden of caring for elderly parents all falls on only children. But to be honest, IME even where there are siblings the burden seems to disproportionately fall on one person in most families. My DM is one of 5 and it all fell to her. You see this in lots of families. But I do think it's important, if you have an only child, to make sure you have planned financially for your old age and have conversations in advance about what you want to happen.

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/4830447-to-be-genuinely-afraid-of-my-future-and-spending-it-alone-and-dying-alone

Oh look! Turns out it isn't just me and my 'vile' counterpart @StopInhalingRevels who fear for a future on our own. This poor poster is 'genuinely terrified'. But yeah, you continue to tell us we need 'therapy' and that we are the only two basket cases who feel this way.

@Strawberriesandpears what's your point exactly? This thread is about the positives of only children? To be quite frank no one is interested in how terrifying you'll find older age. There's plenty of other threads for that. You do seem to turn every thread you can find into a whole pity party about your own scenario when no one asked for it.

Just engaging in discussion on a discussion board. Didn't know I wasn't allowed to have my views.

The conversation has progressed to the point where @StopInhalingRevels and I have been told we are the only ones who feel like this, so I am just providing evidence that we are not.

@Strawberriesandpears, people are not criticising you and @StopInhalingRevels because you're "right", and you've touched some imaginary nerve, we're flabbergasted that people like yourselves could selfishly hijack a thread where an OP was already down and looking for support, just so you can take out your unresolved issues with your own parents by bashing strangers online, many of whom have described loss and miscarriage.

The OP didn't title this thread "One child families, good or bad, discuss"? She said she was feeling down about her situation and was looking for some positive stories to help her come to terms with probably not being able to have a second.

All you are doing with your posts on this thread, is coming across as a pair of unhinged narcissists.

But the discussion was about having an only child and the poster was looking for positives on this. Your views on finding getting older terrfying are completely irrelevant to that. You seem to have some sort of unhealthy obsession around this based on every post you make.

If you'd actually made some sort of positive balanced contribution that would have been fine. Instead you wittered on about catastrophic predictions such as parents funerals and being all alone at Christmas that you have no evidence of being true or not. No one dismisses your view of being an only child but you seem to can't comprehend that other people do not share this view points.

You've made no acknowledgement to the suffering other people have gone through and why they don't have more than one child but instead gone on and on about throwing yourself a one woman pity party.

I sincerely hope you are not this self centred and self pitying in real life, as trust me you may find your prediction of a lonely life come true.

I know I’m lucky to have one. I always wanted at least two, so they each had a sibling. Sadly separated from DP when ds was 1 and he’s 2.5 now. No new relationship on the horizon and I’m 38 so it’s possible it’s already too late. I feel really down about it tonight. Anyone truly made peace with it or can see any plus points to just having one? I have the money to go it alone but it feels too much when I already have ds.

I am copying the OP here. I feel it would be useful for some posters to re-read and have some tact when responding.

I am not actually! I am very well liked and make friends easily 😊

Doesn't take away my existential lonliness, but yeah, nobody in real life would regard me as a horrible person. Quite the opposite. 😊

I am one of two, but do not get along with my sibling at all. I am the parent of two girls who get on very well with each other. I cannot pretend I have any experience of the only child upbringing. I do however have a few only child friends in their 50s who seem perfectly content with their lot.

I am posting just to make a comment in my experience of being a consultant psychiatrist for nearly 30 years. I have heard every possible sad story of abuse, trauma and hardship. When I take a history, I have to ask everybody about their childhood.

On quite a few occasions, I have heard about specific problems with siblings which have contributed directly to poor mental health, and also issues with growing up with parents who could not handle the number of kids at home. I can hand on my heart promise when I say that nobody has ever said to me that they have been unhappy because of being an only child.

I accept that it happens of course, as some posters here have indicated. But I think it says something that when patients talk to me about adverse effects in their life, they have never talked about the only child experience. And I have seen hundreds and hundreds of patients over the last few decades. So statistically the chance of serious unhappiness about being an only child is pretty low. (But when it happens, patients deserve to be heard of course and the pain is real).

I just thought it might be worth sharing my experience as a mental health professional OP. There is so much more to a full and content existence than the number of siblings someone has.

@Strawberriesandpears I think you mean existential navel gazing. Your posts continue to display staggering levels of self absorption.

You said earlier you have no close friends

There are a minority of only children, who say as adults, they had a great childhood and continue to have a great adulthood.
The majority of only children, as adults, say otherwise

Can I ask how you know these stats?

You just don't get it, never will. It's too deep for you to understand.

It's not bizarre. It's not difficult either...

My experience, is broad. It's my personal experience, of the many people around me, plus myself.

So I can speak directly for me. I can also speak for the adults who have no reason to lie, who have told me their experiences. I can also witness a huge amount of my peers having excellent relationships with their siblings, nieces, nephews. I also have my best friend who can not stand their sibling.

So yes, my personal experience is that being an only child is not what I would ever want my child(ren) to go through and being an only child as an adult has so many downsides. Which some can only interpret as "what a terrible, wretched existence, an awful life." Which is not only deliberate misinterpretation, but also not my problem if that's the faux hyperbole they want to project.

I guess the long and short of it, is you can have lots in your life, and still have a huge part you feel is missing.

I think people will always try and convince themselves they have done the right thing. But it’s a shame when that spills over into criticising those who have done otherwise.

I could not imagine giving more than two kids the attention and support I want to. So I stopped at two (and was privileged to have the choice). What I wouldn’t then do is tell people with three plus kids that they had too many and are neglecting their children. Because that is dickish behaviour, and also not true as people cope differently as parents and there are so many variables.

The other things some people do is if they are deeply unhappy, is that it is easy to blame some external factor rather than look at themselves. Eg a job, where they live, not having a sibling etc, When the ‘cause’ may be within themselves. That is where therapy can be helpful. And of course the external factor may be the trigger for unhappiness but it’s always worth exploring. Emotions are rarely that simple.

And you sound too deeply absorbed to understand anyone else’s point of view.

@Strawberriesandpears its so silly posting these threads . They are about different peoples individual experiences. There are numerous threads on here about peoples problems they are having with siblings . Can’t be arsed posting them. It’s meaningless . Why don’t you just start your own self pity thread as someone suggested ?

I'm an only child as I've stated multiple times.