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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be genuinely afraid of my future and spending it alone and dying alone?

52 replies

TumbleweedRolling · 18/06/2023 19:54

I’ve never been in a relationship, I haven’t totally given up, but I’m not exactly imagining a future with a partner anymore.

I’m an only child, parents are pretty okey now, but getting older and it shows and they have become more needy.

And wathing them has made me so scared of my own future, I’ll be totally on my own once they are gone. I’ll have no support, fucking terrifying!

I don’t have much money, I’m not in a place to go and have a child on my own.

For the past year I’ve had horrid nightmares about my life and what will happen to me.

Tbh, I’m not totally sure what I’m looking for, I guess I just had to talk to someone.

OP posts:
wp65 · 18/06/2023 19:56

I worry about this too. Sorry, I don't have anything useful to say, but didn't want to ignore your post.

DarrellRiversCriminalBehaviourOrder · 18/06/2023 19:57

What's your social circle like?

flannelbritches · 18/06/2023 19:59

Oh my darling that sounds terrible. I'm so sorry you feel this was. Is there a community near where you live that you can become part of? For example, a group that makes meals for the homeless, a book group? Doesn't mean you have to attend loads or anything, it will just help to build your circle.

Have you met your neighbours? It's surprising how many people love to meet for a cup of tea.

If maybe you take one small action a week, in a years time things will be very different for you.

Wishing you & your family the best xxx

CaptainMyCaptain · 18/06/2023 20:01

How old are you?

Remind yourself that in every couple someone has to die first so one of them will be left alone anyway. Your partner could be ill in old age and you could spend years caring for them - is that what you had in mind?

CaptainMyCaptain · 18/06/2023 20:03

Just want to add I'm not being harsh I'm in my late 60s and got married when I was 52.

BCBird · 18/06/2023 20:06

Have you got any friends yiu can do sime activities with. As for not having a relationship, it's never too late. I had a full life but decided I wanted to meet someone at 45 and went online and met someone and had a relationship. We not together now but I'm.glad i did it. Will try again one day.

YouLittlePlonka · 18/06/2023 20:14

Same boat. If someone offered me £100k to look into a magic mirror and see my own life in 20 years time I couldn't do it. I'd be terrified x

cytase · 18/06/2023 20:18

No advice but I’m in the same boat and worry about this too. It sucks 😔

Cherryhill22 · 18/06/2023 20:18

Hi OP. I would recommend a dog . My sweet dog is my best companion. She gives so much love and comfort. I prefer her company to most people. Get a dog and you will be fine. X

Fraudornot · 18/06/2023 20:26

A dog is a good idea - would you consider joining a local church? You need a place where the faces will be the same every week to build consistent interaction.

Original poster
TumbleweedRolling · 18/06/2023 20:34

Thank you for the comments.

And sorry to hear that some of you are also in this predicament.

To answer the questions:

I’m 37.

I have looked into and my therapist also recommended volunteering, I have’t done it / found anything yet that I can do.
And I have some anxiety when it comes to people, I have quite a lot of shame og hiw my life turned out and I’m afraid to talk to people, I’m worried of personal tooics coming up and I have bothing to say.

I don’t have friends, I’ve only ever had a few and we drifted apart, bothing dramatic.
And as I wrote above, scared to meet people, for same reasons.

I live dogs! Mine passed away a year ago. I’m in a little bit of bind with having a new one: I want to be in a better place so I can take care of it, but life without a dog is more boring/sadder.
They are amazing company, I know☺️.

OP posts:
5128gap · 18/06/2023 20:35

I think you'll find you're in good company OP. Most married women will be widowed in old age, and its very common for adult DC to live too far away to be much practical help or company. Many elderly women I know are to all intents and purposes 'all alone' and find companionship and support with others in the same position.

ceecee32 · 18/06/2023 20:36

I understand, when my 91 year old mum goes I will have no.one.
Have a couple of friends but only see them once a month or so.
My biggest worry is who can I put as next of kin on any hospital records

dotdotdotdash · 18/06/2023 20:44

This lovely podcast has a long section around building up your social links, and honestly it starts with very simple things like smiling at people, saying hello to a shopkeeper, passing time of day with a neighbour. Think of yourself as kindly as you would another person who is struggling- you are probably too hard on yourself

https://open.spotify.com/episode/6x4OgpJdOpkrcykegggBdK?si=nQBDFrz3TjW0Qmf9sgF_dw

I think part of the problem can be thinking you have to be hosting cocktail parties from the off! Start small and build up

Spotify

https://open.spotify.com/episode/6x4OgpJdOpkrcykegggBdK?si=nQBDFrz3TjW0Qmf9sgF_dw

LilacRain12 · 18/06/2023 20:47

Similar worry here.
Same age as you, similar scenario. Worried I will end up as a carer, already feel like my mother is exhibiting signs of dementia, has severe anxiety and exhausted all the time despite not working and she's only early sixties.
I hate my job, have no real support and have my own chronic illnesses. Like you I am terrified. The future looks extremely bleak.

Theoldgreygoose · 18/06/2023 20:47

I'm in the same boat, and while I sometimes think about it, I don't worry as much as you seem to be doing. My parents have already gone, I have no children, but do have an exDH at the moment, however he doesn't live in the same town and I can't rely on him forever. Just tell yourself that you are not the only person who is alone and people have been coping with this situation for a long time. My friend's DH died a few months ago (no children or parents), and she has been overwhelmed by the kindness of friends and people from various groups she belongs to. Goodness, I have just read that you are only 37! You have plenty of time to cultivate some friends, and however hard you think it might be you need to do it, and you also need to work on your anxiety.

MuddlerInLaw · 18/06/2023 20:50

You’re 37 - your life hasn’t ‘turned out’ in any definitive way yet! You’re still early in the process of becoming - which will only cease when you stop breathing.

Relationships can be great, and you have plenty of time to experience many, if you want them. But no relationship is a guarantee against growing old essentially un-partnered. And children leave …

I think, if you can find a way to get beyond whatever shame is cutting you off, it would be good to begin building even the most tenuous connections to those around you. Ideally, through locality or work or a shared leisure interest you might over years forge a community of your own.

I’m sorry this is causing you so much anxiety - you should be enjoying your youth while you have it.

CaptainMyCaptain · 18/06/2023 20:52

I agree with PP 37 is still young.

ThisIsACoolUserName · 18/06/2023 21:01

I think living in a little flat/house in the centre/a short walk from a small town is a good option for someone in this position.
Pop out for a coffee every day if you can afford it as a pensioner, join knitting clubs, a choir, the church if that's your thing, take part in community coffee mornings - all on your doorstep.
I have DH, but if he goes first, this is my plan.
We're already in that town, but a smaller property to maintain, bang in the centre, would be nice.

ThisIsACoolUserName · 18/06/2023 21:02

Sorry I should make clear, this is my plan for my 70s/80s - not now!

continentallentil · 18/06/2023 21:02

Blimey OP you’re 37 - that’s decades to build up a support network. Start small as the PP with the helpful podcast says.

I always think it’s best to pick hobbies that really interest you, so you keep it up as friendship takes time. You will build acquaintances though which will help.

I know anxiety is very debilitating but try and get a grip on this - it is just not logical.

restie · 18/06/2023 21:08

I worry about this all the time.... to an obsessive point...my parents are early to mid 70's.
I'm around 10 years older than you OP

flannelbritches · 18/06/2023 21:08

37 is super young! Wow I pictured a completely different age OP.

I agree meeting new people is super hard, especially when you have anxiety. My advice would be to smile, make initial eye contact, say hello, and have a little tool box prepared for initial conversation, something that gets the conversation going, such as 'do you live near here?' 'How do you know XYZ?' 'It's my first time here, have you been before?'

If someone isn't friendly back: that is there issue.

If the conversation stalls: no problem, move on, not everyone gels and they might be just as nervous as you are.

If the conversation flows: great! Best case scenario! But leave them wanting more and after a while go get a drink or something, you can then go back to them later and say 'hey it was lovely chatting to you before, see you next time?'

The above might not work for everyone but it works for me.

Oh and yes get a dog if you like them! They are wonderful

Kitkatfiend31 · 18/06/2023 21:11

My friend has found a lovely relationship at 58. You have plenty of time yet. Work on making a few acquaintances first. Just people you say hello to, see at a class etc first. Think about little things that make you happy at home. Fresh flowers, nice tea/coffee, a tidy lounge... Go to the library for books to read. I find setting a routine helps. On Monday I clean and buy some flowers. Tuesday I go swimming... You have plenty of time to change things. Take it slowly and be kind to yourself.

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