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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To ask for the positives of only having one child?

360 replies

uhohala · 12/07/2024 19:59

I know I’m lucky to have one. I always wanted at least two, so they each had a sibling. Sadly separated from DP when ds was 1 and he’s 2.5 now. No new relationship on the horizon and I’m 38 so it’s possible it’s already too late. I feel really down about it tonight. Anyone truly made peace with it or can see any plus points to just having one? I have the money to go it alone but it feels too much when I already have ds.

OP posts:
AnonyLonnymouse · 12/07/2024 21:41

I have one DC (now a teen) and it did strike me this week that one major advantage is that our family dynamic is at least simple: parents and child; child and parents. Whereas with siblings involved (I have siblings) you have all the potential complications of comparison, equality and differing levels of need to consider…

Dweetfidilove · 12/07/2024 21:43

A clean, quiet and peaceful environment.

Able to provide her with more opportunities. Wouldn't be able to fund the same level of activity for another child.

She's currently off on an overseas trip with school and I'm free to just be/do.

When she struggled with anxiety post COVID, I could pay for her to have counselling- bloody expensive, but didn't have to weigh up costs against another...

She absolutely loves being an only and nurtures her relationships with cousins and friends from school/activities.

Holidays are easy. I pick a destination, she plans the itinerary and we just go. No bickering, compromising etc.

She's very mature and supported in her endeavours, so is quite confident and self-sufficient.

HcbSS · 12/07/2024 21:44

FungusMcEyebrow · 12/07/2024 21:39

This happens ALL the time. I’ve lost count of the number of people I know who have had to do everything for an aging or sick parent while their siblings did nothing. Completely put to bed for me the idea that siblings share burdens.
Also, having one means DH and I can adequately provide and plan for our own dotage. I’d never expect DS to take us on.

Horrible isn’t it. My gran was my world. We are battered and exhausted, over a year after her death while one section of the family have had 9 holidays. ‘So that my child can have a sibling’ is a lame excuse for having another child. By all means do it for you, but there is no guarantee that they will stand together as adults.

daffodilandtulip · 12/07/2024 21:47

Well when I saw your title, I was going to say, when your partner pisses off you don't have to split yourself in two everyday to do school runs and evening activities, but then I saw you're already single. The point is still there though!

FungusMcEyebrow · 12/07/2024 21:50

HcbSS · 12/07/2024 21:44

Horrible isn’t it. My gran was my world. We are battered and exhausted, over a year after her death while one section of the family have had 9 holidays. ‘So that my child can have a sibling’ is a lame excuse for having another child. By all means do it for you, but there is no guarantee that they will stand together as adults.

It is horrible. I’d rather know I’m on my own than be aware there are others who can’t be bothered to pull their weight. I have one friend right now who’s caring for elderly parents and a sibling with mental health problems, while trying to hold down a job. She has three other siblings, two of whom live abroad and the other just isn’t bothered.
My mum was one of four, ended up doing all the elder care as the other three sat on their hands.
It’s not unusual to have one child now, with the cost of living, childcare, education and housing.

DelilahBucket · 12/07/2024 21:51

DS16 is an only, I couldn't have any more. He's not spoilt but having grown up with just adults in the household he's a very mature 16 year old. We're very close and do a lot together. I don't know if we would be that close if he had a sibling. I also don't think he would have had the opportunities he's had so far if he wasn't an only as there wouldn't have been the money. I have no regrets.

HcbSS · 12/07/2024 21:57

FungusMcEyebrow · 12/07/2024 21:50

It is horrible. I’d rather know I’m on my own than be aware there are others who can’t be bothered to pull their weight. I have one friend right now who’s caring for elderly parents and a sibling with mental health problems, while trying to hold down a job. She has three other siblings, two of whom live abroad and the other just isn’t bothered.
My mum was one of four, ended up doing all the elder care as the other three sat on their hands.
It’s not unusual to have one child now, with the cost of living, childcare, education and housing.

I’m so sorry for your friend. You are so right in what you say.

Noimaginationforaun · 12/07/2024 22:00

I love this thread. My 5YO is an only and will be (not by choice). It has been hard to come to terms with not having the big family I envisaged.

Beezknees · 12/07/2024 22:01

I didn't need to make peace with it as I only wanted one.

I'm an only child. It's fine. People really overthink this and it's ridiculous to me.

WhereAreWeNow · 12/07/2024 22:04

I only wanted one so I'm in a different situation to you. I can see how difficult it must be if you want more. I don't regret my choice at all. I am so lucky to have an amazing relationship with my now teenage DD. I don't think I could have coped with more.

FungusMcEyebrow · 12/07/2024 22:04

Beezknees · 12/07/2024 22:01

I didn't need to make peace with it as I only wanted one.

I'm an only child. It's fine. People really overthink this and it's ridiculous to me.

You mean nobody’s ever said you’re selfish, can’t share, weird, spoilt or lonely?! I jest, of course, but there’s really weird people among us who think so.

Dobbyismyabsolutefav · 12/07/2024 22:11

I have an only child, not through choice, but I have been on the IVF journey. I definitely went through a period of sadness not having more children but my DH reminded me that we needed to focus on what we had and not what we couldn't have and he was right.

My DD is at uni now and she has turned into a lovely young woman with a great group of friends. When she was younger she definitely wanted a sibling but was bribed with pets instead! Our house has always been full of friends and play dates so I don't think my DD hasn't missed out too much not having a sibling. She definitely had a lot of attention from us growing up and we are very close and chat most days even though she is 200+ miles away.

Bigoldmachine · 12/07/2024 22:11

The fighting, constant bickering all the time! It wears you down. Plus of course the cost. (Caveat: I love the bones of my two, I really wouldn’t change a thing, just pointing out what I wouldn’t miss if I had an only).

JADS · 12/07/2024 22:17

My dh is an only child. His mum wasn't very maternal so he grew up being extremely close to his dad. Their closeness was always lovely to see. I am one of three and our parents were definitely stretched thinner.

We have two who fight like cat and dog and have done since they were tiny. They are two very different people - one is an introvert, one is very extroverted and loud. I envy people with one child and feel I would be a far better parent. Both Dh and I work full time, but we often end up doing things 1:1 with the children so don't get proper family time.

If you are on your own, I 100% wouldn't add another. Two children is more than twice the work.

lanthanum · 12/07/2024 22:34

You can make decisions without having to think about whether you'll be able to do the same for the next child when they reach that stage - whether that's riding/music/ballet lessons, special outings, expensive school trips, visiting university open days for four consecutive weekends. You also avoid the problem of two children wanting to do different after-school activities at the same time and having to decide who wins.

You can do more adult things with one child than two, because when they're bored of it you can go, without the problem of one child being interested and the other bored. You can go places/eat out without risk of bickering, because there's nobody to bicker with. You can do things with them where they need one-to-one help. You can watch family movies easily - no telling the 13 year old it will have to be a PG, or scaring the younger one with something they're not quite ready for.

Reciprocal childcare is much easier - if you normally work school hours but have a later meeting one day, it's relatively easy to organise a playdate for one child, harder to farm out two. (Even easier in my case as DD had friends who were also only children with mums who occasionally needed the same in return.)

Once they start going to playdates and parties without you, you get a couple of hours off.

No bickering in the car, plenty of space for holiday luggage even with a small car.

When they get old enough to decide where they want to meet up, a house where there aren't any siblings around can be an advantage.

I was one of four, and didn't have a problem with that. DH and DD are both only children, and both prefer that - they are both quite happy in their own company. I think it might have been better for DD to have had a sibling during lockdown, but she says it wasn't a problem.

User7842462 · 12/07/2024 22:37

Beezknees · 12/07/2024 22:01

I didn't need to make peace with it as I only wanted one.

I'm an only child. It's fine. People really overthink this and it's ridiculous to me.

Same here! One and done by choice as I was also an only and felt perfectly happy with my own life. I never felt I missed out on anything or need to be pitied so I find it very odd how parents overthink the "tragedy" of not giving their kids siblings. Siblings could go in any direction...it's no guarantee you have anyone to share the burden later in life.

I think there are many other factors that can negatively influence a child's life and future prospects growing up, and having siblings actually raises the chances of that instead of reducing it. Some obvious things include more mental load & stress for the parents which can easily spill over onto the children, more financial strain due to the mother not being able to work FT for longer, increased chance of one or more siblings having ND which means uneven splitting of resources for all kids, increased chances of sickness & injury etc.

It essentially comes down to how many variables you can control. With one child, you have a relatively good overview of everything and there are fewer variables that can derail your plans. Eg. As long as one child is healthy, you can go on holiday. If you have two children, the risk is doubled that you might have to cancel in case one of the two gets sick. One child is also much easier to leave at the grandparents or a babysitter. You get more time for yourself or a (future) partner. You get more sleep. You get your pre-child life back faster when they leave home.

As soon as the child hits school age, you also don't have to worry about them being bored. I had tons of friends growing up and was literally out of the house every weekend. I also loved the bliss of going home and knowing I had peace and quiet all to myself.

BlueBlahBlah · 12/07/2024 23:06

I am one who only has one and I hope my DD is always as happy with my choice as I was/am being an only one.

EatTheGnome · 12/07/2024 23:18

People say 2 is more than double the work.

No1 is so easy, we never have to miss anything either because we are working around 1 schedule. Trust me, once you have a 7yo that you can have breakfast with in the mornings (without wrangling a toddler) having a nice walk to school (without fitting in a nursery run) amd a pick up where you can have a snack together and chat then he or she will gonoff and read for an hour (without fighting a sibling) you'll enjoy the peace of your little duo facing the world together. Everything will be special like a mummy/child dates, picking snacks and films together.

I wanted two and wavered until about age 6 and its just pure luxury. We are so close and the house is so calm (which I enjoy despite having always wanted a hustle and bustle).

I got to terms with it when I realised my current reality is perfect. There are no guarantees of a healthy pregnancy, labour or baby, never mind an idyllic sibling relationship. I hope you find peace, however it pans out for you xx

Girliefriendlikespuppies · 12/07/2024 23:31

I'm a single parent to one and think it's great, you're like a mini team.

Dd and I did lots of road trips (she is brilliant at working out directions!), holidays, days out.

It's much cheaper only having the one kid, I could afford for dd to do the clubs/hobbies she wanted to do.

Dd also gets lots of time and attention which she has appreciated (she's 18 now!)

Gettingbysomehow · 12/07/2024 23:36

There is no way on earth I'd have managed as a single mum with two kids because of the cost of childcare.
One was the maximum I could afford and as a result I managed a really good career and bought us a house.
If I'd had more than one we'd have been on benefits and no way would we have bought a nice home.
It meant he had nice holidays and didn't go without.
Now he;s in his 40's he says he never wanted a sibling, he's quite happy as he is and he will be inheriting from his grandparents, me and his father one day so he will be comfortable.

Strawberriesandpears · 13/07/2024 00:40

This reply has been deleted

We decided to take this down as it is not helpful to the OP.

Strawberriesandpears · 13/07/2024 00:46

This reply has been deleted

We decided to take this down as it is not helpful to the OP.

Strawberriesandpears · 13/07/2024 01:02

StopInhalingRevels · 12/07/2024 21:40

Easier logistics and cheaper are the pros.

As an only myself, I lived the cons. And it's the reason I have 3DC.

I'm particularly aware that now, it's just me looking after both elderly parents, whereas friends have siblings to share this with. It's not just about being a little child alone, it's very lonely as an adult. I have DH and my own family unit, but it's not like my cousins who are all siblings and have each other, nieces and nephews.

I get that siblings aren't guaranteed to get on. Most do though.

I too, in your position OP, would look further into having a second on my own.

100% agree with this. Many people with only children do not look far enough ahead. It isn't just about the childhood years. Having a few extra 'play dates' won't mean a thing when they are an adult and find themself without family. The only way an only child can have family is by having children themself. And there is no guarantee this will happen. They might not meet a partner, experience infertility etc. And if that happens, they are alone. Just stop and think about that. How would you like to be alone? Not nice, is it? Think about spending Christmas ALONE. When all around you are families gathering. That's the reality of my life as an adult only child. Then there is the worry of growing old all alone. Terrifying.

No doubt someone will be along soon to tell me I am being too dramatic or that I need help, but this is my reality and I am entitled to share it.

novocaine4thesoul · 13/07/2024 01:12

I think it is great in these modern times, and you should regret for not a moment more. There are plenty of advantages, and as long as your son has friends, you can always go on hol or do activities with two (where he gets to take a friend of choice rather than a different aged and sometimes resented sibling) Whereas sometimes, occasionally, I am delighted with the interaction between my four, and it can be fun (noisy) the sheer effort of keeping all four happy at the same time is hard yards. They can fight like cat and dog when they choose, and resources are spread thin. And yes, the delight of an evening to yourself while son is on a sleepover, and likewise when you have a sleepover, and your son is happy with ANO will be a joy. HTH x