To ask for the positives of only having one child?

[uhohala]

I know I’m lucky to have one. I always wanted at least two, so they each had a sibling. Sadly separated from DP when ds was 1 and he’s 2.5 now. No new relationship on the horizon and I’m 38 so it’s possible it’s already too late. I feel really down about it tonight. Anyone truly made peace with it or can see any plus points to just having one? I have the money to go it alone but it feels too much when I already have ds.

Jesus, I don't have the patience (nor the Crayola) to repeat things for a ninth time...

Evidently, at the start of each post you actually need the words "in my opinion" or "in my experience" to understand that's the basis someone is speaking from. Otherwise they are clearly referring to scientific reports and research.

I haven't shared any threads. Just my lived experience.

“Parents who choose to have onlys don't like to hear that we'd rather have a sibling than all that stuff that they think it's so brilliant they've given us a head start on. It's all about them”

”There are a minority of only children, who say as adults, they had a great childhood and continue to have a great adulthood.

The majority of only children, as adults, say otherwise.”

have you read your own posts ? These are just some of the examples of generalisations you have made. Also I know you didn’t post any threads but you posted this:

“You mean links to tonnes of other threads all supporting her feelings and opinions”

hence me highlighting these threads aren’t scientific research and don’t really mean anything

You literally told me my child was unhappy at being an only child and was hiding it from me.

Sadly I can't bring my other two children back from the dead.

But that's OK because at least I know their lived will be forever sad and lonely because yours was.

I still have the ashes of my children. Perhaps they could hold those while they weep alone at my grave?

@YellowphantGrey so sorry about your losses.

i give up. These two are never going to admit or see what they have done wrong here .

I'm really sorry that there are some people on this thread that have had negative experiences of being only children. However, parents are never going to be able to give their children a perfect life. Some only children love it, some hate it, some children with siblings hate it, some love it. You can never guarantee that the life you give your children is going to make them happy, as a parent you can only make the decisions that you feel are the best ones for you and the family at the time. That's just the way it is. We are served the hands we are are dealt and when we grow up we have to learn to accept that hand and make the best of the life we have.

If my son feels lonely as an only child then I'm truly sorry for that. However - my choice was either have an only, or risk my mental health to have a second. If I'd had another there was a real risk that I could have become suicidal, or ended up in bed all day with depression. I could have become bitter and twisted, could have become a horrible mother who resented her kids, or could have become highly emotional and unpredictable. I might have been fine had I had another child, but coming off my medication and leaving my mind to the unpredictable effects of pregnancy hormones and then post natal sleep deprivation was just something I could not risk. For both myself and for my child. If the choice really is between loneliness or growing up with a mentally ill mother / dead mother, I will always pick the loneliness for my child.

But my child certainly doesn't act as if he's lonely . He makes friends wherever he goes, his teachers always comment on what a ray of sunshine he is and he has confidence, is self assured and knows exactly what he wants. He talks to us all the time and we have fun, play games, have movie nights as a family. Maybe he is lonely, maybe he does resent us for not providing him with a sibling, but really I would rather that than the effects that living in a severely unhappy household could cause him.

@YellowphantGrey so sorry for your losses and the insensitive comments on here x

Yes you've said in your experience. Which would have been fine had you said that and left it. But you didn't. You had to turn nasty and start telling all the parents of singletons that they are lying about their children being happy and their children are lying to them about being happy

So what do you propose I do about my single child and their two dead siblings? According to you, he's going to live a sad and lonely and unfilled life so would it be preferable to go for a fourth child and run the risk of another child death?

One and done here, also not by choice. I was sad at first but now I'm really, really glad I've only got one! My DC asked for a sibling for a while... and now hates the thought of having one! So all good. The obvious one is that there's more ££ to go around. Once a phase is finished, it's finished! No sibling rivalry. No squabbling. No competing for my attention. No trying to be in more than one place at a time... All positive!

You literally told me my child was unhappy at being an only child and was hiding it from me.

I literally didn't but I'm happy to clarify what I did say again.

My parents are (were? I don't know if they would talk about it much any more) adamant I was a very happy child. And I wasn't a miserable child. I wasn't wallowing around in pity. They provided everything that any child could probably ever wish for. Both materially and experience wise. Did I feel extreme love? Probably not, quite a well to do, old fashioned, we don't do long talks about feelings, kind of family. But I did feel well looked after. That they were very proud of me. I certainly felt they were doing what they thought was the very best for me.

They were all I had. Directly. Cousins and pals are no substitute. But my parents were adamant I wasn't missing out on anything because I had them. And as they were all I had, I certainly wasn't going to tell them any different. They definitely had the attitude that I was very lucky. And in some respects I absolutely was. Like another PP, my inheritance will be different level. That's not to be ignored. And I do account for that, and the difference it will make for not only my children, but theirs. But I never had the one thing I longed for. And that's not suggesting they should have had more children because I said so. Nor being a spoilt brat. Just longing for what I could see all my friends with, another person their age. To love, to play with, to fight with, to hide with. To get into trouble with, to roll their eyes at my parents with. And as an adult whilst the reasons why I long for a sibling now have changed, they are still there. That's not about a spoilt tantrum because I want and didn't get. It's a real sadness.

My life is good. My life is privileged. But I have, and will always want a sibling. And that's ok.

You have my absolute deepest sympathy. I too, have suffered the loss of a child. Pre term. But that's not for this thread. There may be deeply, deeply tragic reasons why we have the number of children we do. And whilst it absolutely determines the number of children we have, I think it's quite a separate issue in how the parent feels, to how a child feels in relation to being an only child or not. It's a totally different dynamic.

Again, why not start your own thread to wallow about this rather than hijacking the OP's thread, when the OP began by explaining that she was already feeling down about probably not having a second and was looking for positive experiences?

It displays a complete lack of self awareness. What makes you so important that you have a right to spam and derail this thread by banging on about how miserable you are?

I am pleased that MN has taken down many posts by StrawberriesAndPears because they are not helpful to the OP. Good for them 👍 The post was a plea for help, and tact and kindness were needed.

I'm not miserable.

It's only people like you on this thread that are telling me I am. I've said enough times, my life is certainly what people aspire to, in a society/media general purpose sense.

There is a big void in my life, that I see filled in that of my peers and extended family via siblings. I'm not apologetic for noticing that, or how I feel about it.

Perhaps if I hadn't had to spell out nine separate times that I am speaking from my experience and not all experiences are the same, it wouldn't seem like so many posts, eh.

But your experience has nothing to do with the support that the OP was looking for when she started this thread. Why post something that is off topic and will kick her when she is down? You should start your own thread to whine about the void in your life.

So what actual people are telling you they actually feel, and what their lived experience is, isn't "scientific research" so it doesn't count.

Are you ok?

Actually she commented on the idea of going it alone.

And I, and another poster suggested she should give it more thought than an instant discount.

You don't get to police threads and tell people your decision if they can post or not. Everyone is allowed to comment on their feelings as long as this is with in MN guidelines.

The OP opened this thread by asking for other people who were or had onlies for some positives, so she could feel better about being in what is not her preferred situation. However, you have taken that as an invitation to reiterate how awful you perceive the OP's child's situation will be.
It's selfish and inappropriate to dump your anxiety in a thread like this where someone was reaching out for support.

This.

I think you misunderstand me completely. I actually give up trying to explain. It’s like talking to a brick wall.

I don't get to police threads, but I can encourage you to read the room and see how selfish you are being by turning this thread, which was a call for support, into a soap box for your own anxieties.

Ah, so now I'm not only miserable, but have anxiety too. You were the one bullying and name calling at that poor other woman too. Remember, she was a "pathetic narcissist with a victim mentality."

I think I'll take any more of your "advice" with that in mind

Did you have a name change fail?! Nobody says "This" to their own posts!

MN has deleted posts by that other poster. Maybe you can give a thought as to why they did that.

Because she was linking other threads. Literally that. She could have linked one about Yorkshire pudding and it would technically be not allowed.