Page 10 | To ask for the positives of only having one child?

uhohala · 2024-07-12T18:59:58+00:00

I know I’m lucky to have one. I always wanted at least two, so they each had a sibling. Sadly separated from DP when ds was 1 and he’s 2.5 now. No new relationship on the horizon and I’m 38 so it’s possible it’s already too late. I feel really down about it tonight. Anyone truly made peace with it or can see any plus points to just having one? I have the money to go it alone but it feels too much when I already have ds.

Barnabyby · 13/07/2024 23:08

SummerSnowstorm · 13/07/2024 22:38

As a flip side to this, when growing up with a parent who has MH issues having a sibling can be an immense support.
Hard to judge though as unless there's a long history it's easy for someone to expect their MH to improve and put it down to them just struggling with parenting a young child etc.

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Ok, so you're saying if you suffer with MH issues, have another child so the second child can support your first child when your MH issues worsen, as a result of having the second child.

Right.

I don't think my MH would get as bad as it did the first time round, but I know for a fact I would struggle mentally to deal with lack of sleep and juggling two children's needs without considering my own.
The question is, is it all worth it to 'give my child a sibling'?

YellowphantGrey · 13/07/2024 23:08

StopInhalingRevels · 13/07/2024 19:52

Do you just invent stuff to dramatise your own narrative?

Because that's a spectacular load of bull to create from: Most only children would prefer siblings in both younger and later years. This thread shows that. My personal experience is aligned with this. The parents of only children are very insistent that their children prefer this, very vocal about how their child absolutely loves it. The majority of only children on this thread beg to differ.

I had dogs, cats, ponies. Endless holidays. Clubs. Activities. Over compensation in other words. They thought they were giving me the world. I'd have swapped the lot for someone to grow up with. I had five cousins in walking distance. It's not the same.

I imagine most children would have looked at me and thought how insanely lucky I was (v. wealthy parents) with all my "stuff" and constant experiences. And yes, it looked like that from the outside. But I wanted to wake up every morning with my sister and creep downstairs. To share secrets. To have a brother to jump out of trees with. To just have someone there to play one bloody board game with without it being a parent or an arranged play date. I would yearn for school holidays to be over, just so I had my friends back. No, playing out often isn't the same. You can't imagine the boredom.

And that's not even the most difficult part. Teen to adulthood as an only, is hard. No sibling to confide in. No sibling to ask for help. My cousins are all siblings and they socialise weekly, at each others, at their parents. Holidays, Christmases, always out together. Childcare. They have nieces and nephews, they are aunts and uncles. They are the proverbial "village" raising their own families. Me? I'm on my own. My parents are in old age. To care for. To worry about. To run after. When they pass it will all be on my shoulders. I'll inherit a fuck tonne. I won't have to share it. Woopy doo.

And my parents will be the first to tell you how charmed and wonderful my childhood was. Couldn't have been a happier child, who wanted for nothing. Oh, but wait, I can't "prove" them wrong, so it must be true...

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Crikey, bit touchy aren't we?!

I literally quoted what you said, yet your accusing me of being dramatic?!

According to you, only children are desperate for siblings, are unhappy through life and their parents pretend they are happy.

My only child is none of the things you describe and has never wanted a siblings, even now at 16, they don't want one.

Stop assuming everyone's life as a single child is as miserable as yours was and clearly continues to be.

Barnabyby · 13/07/2024 23:15

It's funny isn't it, how so many think it's selfish to have just one child, yet so many have 3 or more kids when they clearly shouldn't, either for personal or financial reasons, because of this 'hormonal need to breed'. Some kids can really suffer from this dynamic.
Nobody really talks about how selfish that can be, do they?

Thedayb4youcame · 13/07/2024 23:18

Barnabyby · 13/07/2024 23:15

It's funny isn't it, how so many think it's selfish to have just one child, yet so many have 3 or more kids when they clearly shouldn't, either for personal or financial reasons, because of this 'hormonal need to breed'. Some kids can really suffer from this dynamic.
Nobody really talks about how selfish that can be, do they?

Well I did, in a roundabout way, but I don't want to be rude to the memory of my late parents, who I loved very much. But still, as I said, "I will always be vexed for them bringing me into the world".

Beezknees · 13/07/2024 23:22

Barnabyby · 13/07/2024 23:15

It's funny isn't it, how so many think it's selfish to have just one child, yet so many have 3 or more kids when they clearly shouldn't, either for personal or financial reasons, because of this 'hormonal need to breed'. Some kids can really suffer from this dynamic.
Nobody really talks about how selfish that can be, do they?

I've said it before on a previous thread regarding a pregnant couple planning on making 3 kids all share a room including a teen and the baby. But I was shouted down as apparently the teen would just be happy to have another sibling and would be overjoyed about sharing with a baby.

Barnabyby · 13/07/2024 23:27

Beezknees · 13/07/2024 23:22

I've said it before on a previous thread regarding a pregnant couple planning on making 3 kids all share a room including a teen and the baby. But I was shouted down as apparently the teen would just be happy to have another sibling and would be overjoyed about sharing with a baby.

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🙄🙄🙄

Strawberriesandpears · 13/07/2024 23:44

SummerAndSunPlease · 13/07/2024 14:54

@AnonSoc But even if you don't spend much time together, you know that there's someone out there in the world who is closely related to you, that you have a shared childhood and family history with, and who would hopefully have your back if push came to shove.
Us onlies don't have that, after our parents are gone we have no close birth family. This can cause a particular kind of existential loneliness, for some of us (not all, clearly).

My life isn't terrible, far from it. I enjoy what I have and am thankful for it. But there are some difficulties that are specific to being an only child.
I know the Op asked for positive things and plenty of people have listed those. Threads do evolve though.
She sounds like she's on the fence and is considering going it alone for a second child, so clearly she isn't happy about having an only either. Otherwise she'd be secure in her choice and wouldn't be on here asking for positives.

@SummerAndSunPlease has described perfectly the lonliness of being an only child. It isn't about day to day lonliness. It's about existential lonliness. I think it's too deep for some of you to understand and appreciate.

And to all the parents of young children and teenagers saying 'oh they're perfectly fine'. Firstly, they may be now, but how do you know they will be in the future? I felt fine at that age. It's later in life that the existential lonliness has set in. Secondly, how do you know they are 'fine' now even? Maybe they are bottling their thoughts and feelings up. I certainly would never have said anything to my parents then or now.

Lastly, sorry that I am not giving positives, but this is a discussion. It has evolved. For me, the negatives outweigh the positives.

Can't believe someone had the nerve earlier to say that I can never understand what it is like to have siblings, without even giving a thought to the fact that they can surely never understand what it is like NOT to have them. It's like you are trying to make use second class citizens. Like we don't even know our own minds and we need all you 'sibling havers' to tell us what we are are thinking.

Basically, I think a lot of you are rattled because deep down you have these worries for your own only children. Obviously it is sad when you can't have the number of children you want, but that does not make my feelings (and others who have similar opinions to me) invalid. Kindly stop trying to tell me how I should feel. I wouldn't tell you how you should feel towards your siblings. It works both ways.

Barnabyby · 13/07/2024 23:48

@Strawberriesandpears as much as you say you are entitled to your opinions, which is fine by the way, we are also entitled to ours.

Therefore we are entitled to disagree with you.
You think deep down we're worried for our only children.
Maybe we aren't worried at all. You're pressing on with your argument presuming that deep down, everyone feels the same way as you.
Maybe they don't?

StopInhalingRevels · 13/07/2024 23:53

YellowphantGrey · 13/07/2024 23:08

Crikey, bit touchy aren't we?!

I literally quoted what you said, yet your accusing me of being dramatic?!

According to you, only children are desperate for siblings, are unhappy through life and their parents pretend they are happy.

My only child is none of the things you describe and has never wanted a siblings, even now at 16, they don't want one.

Stop assuming everyone's life as a single child is as miserable as yours was and clearly continues to be.

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Lol, what a shock. You're a parent of an only, talking for them.

This is unheard territory, a parent of an only child, declaring how great their child has it.

Take a seat next to my parents...

According to you, only children are desperate for siblings

Some. This is for the fourth time now. There is some real "hard of reading" on this thread. And as for your child not telling you, only children tend to be constantly seeking the validation and approval of their parents. When you're all they've got, they don't always tell you they aren't happy, because they can't afford to lose the only immediate family dynamic they have.

are unhappy through life

Aaaaand you've made that up too. But isn't it interesting how my actual words of "longing for a sibling" you've translated as being unhappy through life. Very interesting. I'm happy. There is a massive void in my life where a sibling should be. I wonder what your child will say as an adult. I'm sure you've already got that answered.

and their parents pretend they are happy

Yes, many do. Some, because they can't admit they might not have made the best choice for their child. And some, like my parents think that all the stuff they can throw at just one child, makes that child happier than a sibling.

I'll do it for a fifth time, as it seems necessary, not everyone will have the same experience.

Oh, and I just have to laugh at you thinking I've got a miserable life. How sad. I have a far better life than you could probably ever hope for. Incredibly privileged, all the things that people work, wish and strive for, way beyond the norms, done. Maybe that will help it sink in how much a sibling can mean to a child, when I would rather have none of it, but a brother or sister.

StopInhalingRevels · 13/07/2024 23:57

Strawberriesandpears · 13/07/2024 23:44

@SummerAndSunPlease has described perfectly the lonliness of being an only child. It isn't about day to day lonliness. It's about existential lonliness. I think it's too deep for some of you to understand and appreciate.

And to all the parents of young children and teenagers saying 'oh they're perfectly fine'. Firstly, they may be now, but how do you know they will be in the future? I felt fine at that age. It's later in life that the existential lonliness has set in. Secondly, how do you know they are 'fine' now even? Maybe they are bottling their thoughts and feelings up. I certainly would never have said anything to my parents then or now.

Lastly, sorry that I am not giving positives, but this is a discussion. It has evolved. For me, the negatives outweigh the positives.

Can't believe someone had the nerve earlier to say that I can never understand what it is like to have siblings, without even giving a thought to the fact that they can surely never understand what it is like NOT to have them. It's like you are trying to make use second class citizens. Like we don't even know our own minds and we need all you 'sibling havers' to tell us what we are are thinking.

Basically, I think a lot of you are rattled because deep down you have these worries for your own only children. Obviously it is sad when you can't have the number of children you want, but that does not make my feelings (and others who have similar opinions to me) invalid. Kindly stop trying to tell me how I should feel. I wouldn't tell you how you should feel towards your siblings. It works both ways.

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Yup.

YellowphantGrey · 14/07/2024 00:08

Strawberriesandpears · 13/07/2024 23:44

@SummerAndSunPlease has described perfectly the lonliness of being an only child. It isn't about day to day lonliness. It's about existential lonliness. I think it's too deep for some of you to understand and appreciate.

And to all the parents of young children and teenagers saying 'oh they're perfectly fine'. Firstly, they may be now, but how do you know they will be in the future? I felt fine at that age. It's later in life that the existential lonliness has set in. Secondly, how do you know they are 'fine' now even? Maybe they are bottling their thoughts and feelings up. I certainly would never have said anything to my parents then or now.

Lastly, sorry that I am not giving positives, but this is a discussion. It has evolved. For me, the negatives outweigh the positives.

Can't believe someone had the nerve earlier to say that I can never understand what it is like to have siblings, without even giving a thought to the fact that they can surely never understand what it is like NOT to have them. It's like you are trying to make use second class citizens. Like we don't even know our own minds and we need all you 'sibling havers' to tell us what we are are thinking.

Basically, I think a lot of you are rattled because deep down you have these worries for your own only children. Obviously it is sad when you can't have the number of children you want, but that does not make my feelings (and others who have similar opinions to me) invalid. Kindly stop trying to tell me how I should feel. I wouldn't tell you how you should feel towards your siblings. It works both ways.

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I can assure you, I have no worries or feelings of guilt for having an only child.

Your life was clearly awful as a single child and seemingly your adult life too. But that doesn't mean single children will all lead the same life you did. My child has great friendships, great family relationships, cousins on both sides and Aunts on both sides. Just because I don't talk to my siblings, they still talk to each other.

You also only need to look at the boards on here and the majority of trouble and angst and money worries comes from families with multiple children.

But sure, keep peddling the narrative that all single children are doomed.

AnonSoc · 14/07/2024 00:11

A lot of the posts here also completely seem to disregard the strain that additional children can put on parents and their relationship. I know a lot of couples where the second child was the straw that broke the camel's back for their partnership or marriage. So the child gets a sibling, but separated parents.
I am actually quite shocked by how many posters on here see their parents as baby making factories who shirked on their duty to produce them a sibling, rather than as people who probably had complex and valid reasons for not going for a second child.

YellowphantGrey · 14/07/2024 00:16

StopInhalingRevels · 13/07/2024 23:53

Lol, what a shock. You're a parent of an only, talking for them.

This is unheard territory, a parent of an only child, declaring how great their child has it.

Take a seat next to my parents...

According to you, only children are desperate for siblings

Some. This is for the fourth time now. There is some real "hard of reading" on this thread. And as for your child not telling you, only children tend to be constantly seeking the validation and approval of their parents. When you're all they've got, they don't always tell you they aren't happy, because they can't afford to lose the only immediate family dynamic they have.

are unhappy through life

Aaaaand you've made that up too. But isn't it interesting how my actual words of "longing for a sibling" you've translated as being unhappy through life. Very interesting. I'm happy. There is a massive void in my life where a sibling should be. I wonder what your child will say as an adult. I'm sure you've already got that answered.

and their parents pretend they are happy

Yes, many do. Some, because they can't admit they might not have made the best choice for their child. And some, like my parents think that all the stuff they can throw at just one child, makes that child happier than a sibling.

I'll do it for a fifth time, as it seems necessary, not everyone will have the same experience.

Oh, and I just have to laugh at you thinking I've got a miserable life. How sad. I have a far better life than you could probably ever hope for. Incredibly privileged, all the things that people work, wish and strive for, way beyond the norms, done. Maybe that will help it sink in how much a sibling can mean to a child, when I would rather have none of it, but a brother or sister.

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I wasn't going to say anything and lower myself to your standards however I am going to bite because your whole attitude is irritating me.

I actually have 3 children. Daniel, born September 15th 2004 died December 2nd 2004.

Lyla born 10th March 2006 died 11th March 2006

And my youngest born 2008.

He is an only child, will remain an only child and is not this desperately unhappy child you've convinced yourself he is. He isn't hiding anything from me, he express his feelings and emotions well because he is raised by two parents who have taught him how to communicate.

You seriously need therapy and to get a grip. Your maudling loneliness and sadness in life is down to you. Non wonder your alone if your this bitter and spend time on the Internet trying to make everyone as bitter as you.

You've forced my hand into revealing things I didn't want to. I'm not replying tk you anymore because I will end up getting banned for telling you the truth.

Caniwinthelotteryplease · 14/07/2024 00:20

I have a sister I'm estranged from and probably about 40 cousins whom I don't have any contact with.

I feel this thread has kinda gotten off track a little, op asked for the positives.

In my own parents case I can say they would have had more money, a lot less stress because myself and my sister couldn't even stand to be in the same room as each other a lot of the time which I know was very upsetting to our mother, but you can make siblings get along and there is never any guarantees of it happening.

I can't say I would have felt lonely as an only child because I felt lonely as a kid whose sister never wanted to play with her, I had a better relationship with a girl who lived across the road from me. However I see loneliness as something I need to solve in my own life, not for a sister who is only tolerating me out of politeness because we are from the same family.

Dragontale · 14/07/2024 01:16

No bickering, not too much noise, the atmosphere in the house is more likely to be calm and peaceful.

circular2478 · 14/07/2024 02:44

@StopInhalingRevels and @Strawberriesandpears in the kindest way you both need therapy.

frequentlyfrazzled · 14/07/2024 04:28

SummerSnowstorm · 12/07/2024 20:19

The only children we know seem generally more confident and mature than their peers. I would guess the percentage of adult conversation builds maturity and full parental attention contributes to feeling self assured/outgoing.

Also means more time for clubs and facilitating friendships out of school.

I agree with this. There are a couple of only children (hate that phrase) within my wider family, and both (now adults) are really self assured, sociable, and contented people as adults, with great relationships with their parents. It has never seemed like they were missing out on anything by not having siblings, in fact they seem more well adjusted if anything. And yes, financially things must have been a lot easier. I wonder if not having to compete or compare yourself with siblings growing up, brings a calmer home atmosphere.

Channellingsophistication · 14/07/2024 04:50

DS16 is an only child - miracle baby anyway and I couldnt have more. Would have liked siblings for him but he’s happy, nursery from a baby has made him sociable and he makes friends easily. Household is calm place! With just one we can really help him in life. His best friend has 5 siblings so often he is glad to be an only!

Thetroutofnocraic1 · 14/07/2024 05:40

StopInhalingRevels · 13/07/2024 23:53

Lol, what a shock. You're a parent of an only, talking for them.

This is unheard territory, a parent of an only child, declaring how great their child has it.

Take a seat next to my parents...

According to you, only children are desperate for siblings

Some. This is for the fourth time now. There is some real "hard of reading" on this thread. And as for your child not telling you, only children tend to be constantly seeking the validation and approval of their parents. When you're all they've got, they don't always tell you they aren't happy, because they can't afford to lose the only immediate family dynamic they have.

are unhappy through life

Aaaaand you've made that up too. But isn't it interesting how my actual words of "longing for a sibling" you've translated as being unhappy through life. Very interesting. I'm happy. There is a massive void in my life where a sibling should be. I wonder what your child will say as an adult. I'm sure you've already got that answered.

and their parents pretend they are happy

Yes, many do. Some, because they can't admit they might not have made the best choice for their child. And some, like my parents think that all the stuff they can throw at just one child, makes that child happier than a sibling.

I'll do it for a fifth time, as it seems necessary, not everyone will have the same experience.

Oh, and I just have to laugh at you thinking I've got a miserable life. How sad. I have a far better life than you could probably ever hope for. Incredibly privileged, all the things that people work, wish and strive for, way beyond the norms, done. Maybe that will help it sink in how much a sibling can mean to a child, when I would rather have none of it, but a brother or sister.

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Wow. So You are soooo used to getting absolutely everything handed to you. It is clear the ONE thing you never got was a sibling and you don’t like not getting everything you want. You are an unbelievably spoiled and nasty individual. Thanks for highlighting this. I’ll endeavour not to raise my only to be like this. “Fat better life” … wait weren’t you just moaning earlier about how stuff doesn’t equal love. Stop contradicting yourself

Thetroutofnocraic1 · 14/07/2024 05:44

StopInhalingRevels · 13/07/2024 21:48

I must have missed the bit where I said giving me a sibling would have meant they loved me.

I don't resent my parents. At all. I massively missed having a sibling then, and now, and this would have been somewhat in their control. It doesn't make them bad people. I just knew I wouldn't want that lonely life for any child of mine.

Perhaps they had fertility issues. I don't believe so. But not entirely unreasonable that they did, and I still remain unaware. They certainly had the money to adopt, but maybe that wasn't right for them. I think I was quite a bad birth, but it's hard to tell with my mother, she's so extra about everything, that it may indeed have been pretty normal. Maybe it was that bad she never wanted another.

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Why are you listing out things they got you like ponies and cars and saying “does this mean they loved me” etc etc . What would have made you think they loved you ?? Why are you sooo resentful ? Because they didn’t give you a sibling ? I had a horrible late miscarriage, I will never tell my dc about it. I just cannot get over how immature , spoiled and entitled you sound

Thetroutofnocraic1 · 14/07/2024 06:05

circular2478 · 14/07/2024 02:44

@StopInhalingRevels and @Strawberriesandpears in the kindest way you both need therapy.

This.

Metagoths · 14/07/2024 06:12

Strawberriesandpears · 13/07/2024 23:44

@SummerAndSunPlease has described perfectly the lonliness of being an only child. It isn't about day to day lonliness. It's about existential lonliness. I think it's too deep for some of you to understand and appreciate.

And to all the parents of young children and teenagers saying 'oh they're perfectly fine'. Firstly, they may be now, but how do you know they will be in the future? I felt fine at that age. It's later in life that the existential lonliness has set in. Secondly, how do you know they are 'fine' now even? Maybe they are bottling their thoughts and feelings up. I certainly would never have said anything to my parents then or now.

Lastly, sorry that I am not giving positives, but this is a discussion. It has evolved. For me, the negatives outweigh the positives.

Can't believe someone had the nerve earlier to say that I can never understand what it is like to have siblings, without even giving a thought to the fact that they can surely never understand what it is like NOT to have them. It's like you are trying to make use second class citizens. Like we don't even know our own minds and we need all you 'sibling havers' to tell us what we are are thinking.

Basically, I think a lot of you are rattled because deep down you have these worries for your own only children. Obviously it is sad when you can't have the number of children you want, but that does not make my feelings (and others who have similar opinions to me) invalid. Kindly stop trying to tell me how I should feel. I wouldn't tell you how you should feel towards your siblings. It works both ways.

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The thing is you feel you're entitled to tell others how they should be feeling and you don't seem to take on board that not all only children feel how you do or will. Not all only children will feel as you do.

I am sorry you have this loneliness in life but you sound immature and self centred. You post on thread after thread with your extreme tales of woe somehow managing to turn all threads about yourself and wanting everyone to feel sorry for you and give you reassurance. You seem to think you're the voice for only children and all only children are going to have the same sad lonely life you have.

You haven't even acknowledged the hurt you have caused some people with your vile posts and still play the victim. I am sorry you don't have siblings but you are not the tragic victim you think you are. If you want to have a meaningful life with connections I suggest you start to stop feeling so sorry for yourself and go out and live your life.

Beezknees · 14/07/2024 06:43

circular2478 · 14/07/2024 02:44

@StopInhalingRevels and @Strawberriesandpears in the kindest way you both need therapy.

Yup.

As an only myself I just can't imagine thinking my parents should have had more children that they might not have wanted, just to make ME happy.

Maybe it's because I've been dealt with far worse shit in life than the horror of being an only child 🙄 but I can't be doing with this woe is me victim rubbish. You can't change the cards you've been dealt but you can change how you react to them. Get yourself together and cope.

To the parents of onlies don't worry, we're not all a miserable self centred bunch.

Metagoths · 14/07/2024 07:20

@YellowphantGrey I am truly sorry for your losses. I am sorry you have felt you needed to share them.

I still can't believe how entitled and self absorbed some people have been on this thread. I might not know what it's like to be a truly be an only child but I know enough to know siblings aren't a cure for loneliness, anxiety or anything else people think has blighted their life by being an only child. Instead of people getting caught up in some magical fantasy of what a sibling could have been they would do well to actually seek professional help work through their feelings.

My heart goes out to those that have bravely shared stories of loss and how you cannot have more than one child. I hope those that are struggling with their choice take comfort from the positive stories shared by those that have only children and those that are adult only child and what research knows. I am not discounting peoples negative experience but they are in a minority and do not speak for everyone.

Workoutinthepark · 14/07/2024 07:36

circular2478 · 14/07/2024 02:44

@StopInhalingRevels and @Strawberriesandpears in the kindest way you both need therapy.

100% agree with this, the bitterness in your posts is so overwhelming. Having a sibling or not having a sibling is ... just your life situation. Get over it. Sounds like you had a phenomenal amount of other benefits in your life, why not appreciate those a bit more?

@YellowphantGrey I'm so sorry for your losses.