To ask for the positives of only having one child?

[uhohala]

I know I’m lucky to have one. I always wanted at least two, so they each had a sibling. Sadly separated from DP when ds was 1 and he’s 2.5 now. No new relationship on the horizon and I’m 38 so it’s possible it’s already too late. I feel really down about it tonight. Anyone truly made peace with it or can see any plus points to just having one? I have the money to go it alone but it feels too much when I already have ds.

You get your time back. We have 2 and while DC1 is starting to get independent and give me an hour or so 'off' dc2 is relentless and it'll be a long time before I get some time on my own.

Everything is also cheaper, you can have a smaller house, smaller car, cheaper holidays. You can provide for DC1 better like covering uni fees and inheritance. You have more time for DC1 to support with school work and generally time with you.

I am one and done (not through choice) and yes there was a phase where I mourned not having another child but honestly as DS gets older I really enjoy having one child.

Our time and attention is not stretched, less financial strain, generally easier to keep on top of things. He's so much fun to hang out with and it's just lovely really.

Thanks @Funfaxfan and @ViscountessBridgerton

@ViscountessBridgerton do you find your child misses out at all being an only?

I have one child and very happy with that decision. I can afford things I couldn’t afford with more than one and I don’t have to deal with sibling squabbles! He also has close relationships with his cousins and friends so I don’t think he feels like he is missing out too much at this point but of course he may feel differently when he is older.

One and done not by choice also.

I don’t have to share my money or attention, he can have all of it. I’m careful to cultivate cousin relationships and friends because he’ll need them when I’m gone.

We have one and constantly our friends with 2 (about 75% of the couples we know) say how hard it is, the siblings are mostly at ages 0-6 and at the moment none of them are close (I realise thing may change as they’re older). They all fight relentlessly, my child’s friends moan to him about the fact they can’t do what he does as they have younger siblings etc so can’t spend mornings at the skate ramps/ have Lego toys on display their baby siblings break etc etc. Of course these are trivial things that only 6 year olds would moan about. In terms of the parents it’s the years of back to back no sleep/ tantrums etc/ pregnancy toll on the body, nursery fees. From the outside it does not look fun for at least the first 6 years! Of course they have their moments but seeing the snippets I don’t regret being only able to have one (it’s now not a choice I have to have more). We can provide much more time and obviously things like clubs and extracurricular activities than our friends stretched with nursery fees still. We go on holidays more frequently and feel like we all get quality time together without having to divide and conquer with each parent dealing with a sibling each. We have more options with putting savings away for him and for the future than we’d have saving for two.

Of course every family is different, I’m sure there are families with two that say it’s the best thing ever. But I wouldn’t beat yourself up over something you can’t change. There’s always silver linings to every circumstance and it’s more how you see things.

I have 5 DC and feel so jealous of parents with an only child! It looks so lovely and calm and not overwhelming like my life. On the rare occasion I have 1-on-1 time with one of mine I love it so much! Enjoy it.

Loads! I also would’ve liked a second, but decided to draw a line after a number of traumatic losses. DS is now 8 and life is great, it’s so easy with one. Travelling is easy, hotel rooms etc are perfectly fine for 3 but a squeeze for 4. No arguments to break up. When he was younger he demanded more attention but now he’s older he amuses himself happily and we get to actually chill out at weekends. There’s only one of him so he can do pretty much anything he wants extracurricular/activity wise as no competing demands on time or money. And he’s used to spending lots of time around adults so people always comment on how confident, sociable and articulate he is. One has SO many advantages!

The only children we know seem generally more confident and mature than their peers. I would guess the percentage of adult conversation builds maturity and full parental attention contributes to feeling self assured/outgoing.

Also means more time for clubs and facilitating friendships out of school.

I love only having one. Our house has always been calm and peaceful, DD feels loved and secure with plenty of attention and no sibling rivalry. We didn't have tantrums at two or teen moods, just a great relationship and we love her company and always have. She's always been great with adults because that was her experience at home and she's always been able to converse easily with adults. Our bond feels closer than the bonds I see my friends have where their time is split between several children, refereeing arguments, juggling bedtimes when they're little and issues when they're teens. It's just been easy for us at every stage. I think having one is the reason. Or maybe we're just very lucky!

My first was when I was a bit older and second never happened. I guess you concentrate on the one you have. And feel blessed.

I chose to have one so I'm biased!

But for me, I'm an introvert. I enjoy calm and quiet and my own space. That was somewhat difficult to achieve in the early years but I'm seeing the benefit now.

Working full time is also doable as are hobbies for all of us.

We have more money and can pay for a private education.

It's just way easier with one. Life is busy and hectic enough as it is. It's fine to want to carve out time for yourself. This is way harder with more than 1 especially if you don't have willing family help on your doorstep.

Yes I felt guilty when mine was younger and felt I was depriving them but I just didn't want to go through it all again.

Loads of our friends have stuck at one so it's certainly not uncommon - in our circles anyway. I can say without hesitation that the happier parents stopped at 1.

I would advise that if you are feeling this way, look into going it alone. Speak to others that have done it, put the feelers out.

I almost broke up with my partner when first child was 1 and I knew straight away, that if we did break up, I'd get a donor and do it alone.

2 years later and we now in a much better place which 2 kids.

If you were to go ahead now, it'd be a beautiful age gap.

Sending you courage to take the leap IF it feels like something you want to do xx

I have one, they're 13 now. I imagined having 3, but due to health reasons decided not to have another. It was a difficult decision that took years.

All the obvious advantages of more time, energy, money, to provide both now and in the future. A calm house, being able to say yes to her.

The thing that worried me about having an only was her being sociable, not lonely and confident.
When she was a toddler I took her to lots of playgroups, play dates, trips to the park etc. I used to talk to her about 'single serving friends' - kids you meet at the park or soft play and play with while you're there and you might not see them again. We used to practice her introducing herself so when she was little she felt confident enough to go up to a group of unknown kids and ask to play.

I don't think she's missed out, she has a big group of friends who hang out in the park and do clubs together, she knows her mind, can stand up for herself. She's confident enough to perform at school and club shows in front of hundreds. I'm able to say yes to mostly all the opportunities that come her way. We couldn't imagine our family any different than it is now

Having 1 is amazing. I've seen so many families where the kids are constantly knocking seven shades of shite out of each other.

My house is peaceful (I'm a lone parent) and it means I've been able to afford private education and good holidays.

I have one child. How can I possibly tell you the positives? In order to do so I'd have to know the negatives of having more than one. But I dont.

Oh another thing, when they start doing play dates and sleepovers you get time to yourself.

This comes across so insincerely, unless you had contraception failures four times which I don’t imagine is the case.

We have one child, and it's great. It was a choice, mainly down to my mental health finally being stable and not wishing to disrupt that by coming off medication or running the risk of post natal depression by having another baby. We wanted to ensure our child had a happy mum and not put that at risk.
Travel is easy, we can afford for him to do the hobbies he loves without having to factor in costs of other kids hobbies, he makes friends really easily and he isn't shy about talking to our adult friends. We have a lovely relationship with him, we're his parents but we are really open with him and include him in a lot of conversations. When there is only 1 child in the house I think you do have to be more aware of them not feeling left out - there's no siblings to bitch about the parents to, it's def not a "kids v parents" situation, so we want him to not feel excluded. He went through a stage of asking for a brother or sister a few years ago but he's grown out of that now. We make an effort to ensure he spends lots of time with friends so that he doesn't feel lonely.

All of our friends with kids have at least 2, we are very much the odd ones out. Some of those friends really struggle with 2, some make it look easy. Sometimes when the house is quiet and our son is pottering around in his room I wonder what a noisy, busy household would be like - but I'm a quiet introvert so in reality this calmer family life suits me more.

I have one living child (although he does have an adult older sibling from DHs earlier relationship they've never lived together but do have a bond).

He's decided he's talking up three different institutions and it's fine, we can accommodate that. Plus a sport and another club. He gets a lot of adult input and as a result is fairly confident at speaking up. He can have what he wants. Is the sole focus of several adults and will be provided for.

We feel incredibly fortunate to have him.

One here and it’s great. I got him involved in sports teams from the age of 5 so he has a big circle of friends and acquaintances. We have the time and money for a nice life, great holidays and as many hobbies/interests as he wants to do. Most importantly though, we have time to spend with him. He’s 13 now and a happy kid, he’s great. Oh, and his friends the same age can’t stand their siblings at the moment, regardless of how close they played as small kids. He’ll be well provided for and we’re not worried about uni fees.

I loved being an only child so much I've decided to only have one.

I like a calm house. Not having to share resources. I can't bear the thought of 2+ children bickering. Siblings are not all they're cracked up to be.

Having watched what my mum (one of 4) went through when my beloved gran was dying, all the hard work dumped on her (and me) I am glad I am an only child. I will only have 1 too.

This happens ALL the time. I’ve lost count of the number of people I know who have had to do everything for an aging or sick parent while their siblings did nothing. Completely put to bed for me the idea that siblings share burdens.
Also, having one means DH and I can adequately provide and plan for our own dotage. I’d never expect DS to take us on.

Easier logistics and cheaper are the pros.

As an only myself, I lived the cons. And it's the reason I have 3DC.

I'm particularly aware that now, it's just me looking after both elderly parents, whereas friends have siblings to share this with. It's not just about being a little child alone, it's very lonely as an adult. I have DH and my own family unit, but it's not like my cousins who are all siblings and have each other, nieces and nephews.

I get that siblings aren't guaranteed to get on. Most do though.

I too, in your position OP, would look further into having a second on my own.